June 23rd, 2010

June 23rd, 2010.

Today was Jonah's due date. Today should have been a day of anticipation, excitement, relief, rejoicing, happiness or any other number of positive emotions.

Instead, it's a day I've been dreading since my birthday. I woke up the morning of my birthday and the very first thing that came to mind was "Today, I would have been 37 weeks pregnant. 37 weeks...that magic number when usually everything is 'green light' for delivery." Happy birthday? huh...

So for the past 20 days, I've dreaded the next day...knowing that my "due date" was coming, and wondering just what the day would be like. I'm sure the whole day won't be as bad as the days that have led up to it. I pray that the whole day won't be as bad as the days that led up to it.

I did a pretty good job convincing myself for the past 6 months that things are "OKAY"...that I'm healing and just moving along like I should. But June 2nd shook things up. That's the crappy thing about grief...you might be okay one day and pretty "not okay" the next. Maybe I just couldn't fully deal with everything until now, or maybe I just didn't want to. I don't know if I want to now. I don't know. All I know is that I think it really sucks that Jonah has 2 days...his due date and his birthday, and that neither day puts him here on earth with us. Neither of his days can be greeted with hugs and kisses and birthday cake and balloons. Instead, both days leave me with a bad taste in my mouth, and an empty place in my heart, arms and life.

I have one plan for today, and that is to just to get through until bedtime. After all, tomorrow is June 24th, and although it won't erase all the feelings, it's a day with no real emotional connection to it.

huh...what else can I say really...?

Dear God, if You're listening (and I know you are), give my little boy a hug and kiss for me. Thank you.