My sweet Elijah

I'm pretty much on an emotional roller coaster right now, which I suppose can be expected. It's so frustrating to me that one minute I feel fine, only to want to collapse into a sobbing mess and hide from the world the very next minute. And I feel bad that Elijah has to see me like this. I wish that while he is awake I could just pull it all together and be strong, for him. But it doesn't always work out like that.

Tonight, Elijah decided to eat dinner 3 times, with the third time occurring about 10 minutes before he was supposed to go to bed. I sat at the table with him while he ate Frosted Mini Wheats and he decided to get a little sassy and test my patience, declaring quite loudly that he would not be going to bed tonight...not until Daddy got home (which won't be until after 1am sometime). After just a few seconds, I decided that I wasn't going to argue any more and just put my face into my hands to compose myself as I felt the tears threatening. Here is the rest of our conversation:

Eli: "Mommy, I need to see your eyes."

Me: (lifting my head to look at him) "Why? You're being sassy and I'm tired."

Eli: "Mommy, why are you crying? Do you miss your baby brother?"

Me: "Buddy, he's your baby brother. He's Mommy and Daddy's little boy, just like you."

Eli: "Yeah...I miss him, too."

Me: "Do you remember what his name is, Eli?"

Eli: "Yes! He's little baby Jonah."

Me: "That's right. And do you remember where Mommy and Daddy told you that Jonah is?"

Eli: "Yes...he's in Heaven with Jesus and God and some angels."

Me: (I could only nod because he sounded so sweet now)

Eli: "Why is little baby Jonah in Heaven with Jesus?"

Me: (not quite prepared for that question) "Well, because Jesus wants Jonah there. I don't know why but I know that Jesus is taking care of him for us."

Eli: "Is Jesus taking good care of him?"

Me: "Yes...He's taking care of Jonah for us until we can see him again someday."

Eli: "Can we go tomorrow to Heaven to see him?"

Me: "Not tomorrow, Buddy. I don't know when we can go but someday I know we will."

Eli: "And I will hug my baby brother!"

Me: "Yes, we all will. You're a good boy, Eli."

Eli: "And you're my best little mommy, Mommy!"


A little while later, I overheard Elijah talking in his bed. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying but I kept hearing "my baby brother Jonah..." and I suddenly realized that he was talking to his stuffed animals about him. And I heard him telling them about Jonah in Heaven with Jesus. I guess he understands it better than I thought he did. It does make me a little sad, however, because I realize again that Elijah would be an awesome big brother. I really hope he has that chance someday.

"Even the smallest of feet have the power to
leave everlasting footprints upon this world"