Tiny flickers of hope...

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. ~Psalm 116:7~
But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; 
my God will hear me. ~Micah 7:7~

This past year, I started something new. It started late this summer when we had moved into our new house. I started a simple act that proved more meaningful than I expected, something that started "just because" and became some of my most precious moments during the second half of 2011. Something that nobody knew the meaning of except for me.

I started to light a candle.

Not just any candle. I light candles a lot, especially in the winter. Rather I started to light a specific candle at various times throughout the day. I found this candle to be the most beautiful candle I had ever experienced.

This simple candle had become my little Jonah.

You see, for whatever reason, when I lit this candle in the middle of our dining room table for the first time so many months ago, I started to think about my little boy. It wasn't all sad thoughts, though. Instead, there were some peaceful thoughts...thoughts about what he might be doing up in heaven. Thoughts about what heaven must be like. Thoughts about how wonderful it must be to spend every moment of eternity with our Savior. Thoughts about how someday I get to be there...

forever.

A candle did this for me. A candle prompted me to really spend more than just a moment thinking about what I've been given. I'm the child of an Almighty God who willingly gave His only Son as a sacrifice so that I could be part of HIS FAMILY and live forever with Him.

wow...

I have more children in heaven than I will probably have here on Earth. I often look at Elijah and realize he doesn't even know that he's one of six. Because I know just how fragile life is, I try to cherish everything, even the seemingly small things, because I feel blessed that I have him...he's a gift in so many ways. If someone came to me today and said  "Hey, if you are willing, your son Elijah can sacrificially save the world from 'X,Y, and Z'!" I would take Eli and run the other direction as fast as I possibly could. I wouldn't stop until I was so far away that I felt safe...and I would drop off the grid and nobody would see us again. Yeah...I'm serious. I won't dwell on this thought because I'm pretty certain it's not going to come to that! :-) My point is that God did what I know I could never do...

for me...for you...for anyone who wants it.

This hasn't really made the whole thing easier for me, however. December sucks...it is really a hard month. I realized last year, and then again this year, that losing Jonah in December 2009 now causes me to think about and grieve the losses of all my children. It's like I get to the end of the year and suddenly get bombarded with memories and grief all over again. It makes me sad. I think about each child not only on the day they went to heaven, but also random times throughout the year. A mother doesn't forget her children, even when they're not in her sight. And then in December, I get to remember all over again...

and then again...and again...

I'm no fun to be around in December. I don't want it to be this way, and this year I tried (really, I did...) to be a bit more pleasant. It didn't work. We wouldn't have put up any Christmas decorations if Adam hadn't pulled the decoration totes out of the closet and left them pretty much in the middle of the living room floor. I want Eli to have good memories of his childhood Christmases. I want to share with him the true joy and happiness that can be found in the true meaning of Christmas. I want him to grow up knowing just how special the birth of Jesus is for all of us. I want everyone to be happy, myself included...

but it's hard to do when you hurt...

when all you really want to do is crawl in a hole until January 1st.

Back to the candle. The first candle that I was lighting eventually became unusable. I wondered what I would do...I mean, the candle that suddenly had HUGE meaning to me was gone. I pondered this for a few days before I decided to just get another candle for the holder. I wondered if I would get the same feelings, or this new candle would just be like any other random candle. So I lit the new candle...

and I thought about my little Jonah,

 and about my babies who are with him right now.

It wasn't the object that held meaning...it was the symbolism, and the feelings, and the memories. It was that bright flame on both candles that flickered just enough to touch my heart, and made me smile when I wanted to cry. It was that little light that helped me remember how close my God always is to me, even when I feel like He is so far away. It was remembering the intense love I feel for all my children, and being reminded that my heavenly Father loves all His children SO MUCH. It was that small flame that reminded me again that my babies spent their first birthday and their first Christmas in heaven...with Jesus. I'll bet they got to sit right on Jesus' lap and hear the Christmas story from Him...and they get to celebrate His special birthday WITH HIM every year!  It [lighting a candle] was something I had done thousands of times before in my lifetime, but one day, lighting a candle suddenly held new meaning for me. A candle...it can't replace those who aren't here, but it somehow helps me feel a little closer to them. So I light that candle often...sometimes in the middle of the day when I'm sitting at the table on the computer or doing my devotions. Sometimes I light it at night, when I know I'll be walking past the table many times. The candle was lit for Thanksgiving dinner, and for Christmas dinner...in fact, for many dinners during these past few months. My babies were there with us...at least in my heart and mind. Seeing the small flame makes me realize that five tiny souls have impacted my life in an enormous way. Losing them was heart-wrenching, but realizing that I am who I am today because of all my past experiences helps to ignite that flame of hope in me...

sometimes just enough so I know 

I can make it through the next tough moment.

I've met so many other moms in the past 2 years who have lost children. We all agree that we can never understand God's ways, see His master plan or completely know how our child's brief life is part of that plan. It's hard, because I formulate theories about "why" and think about how it might all work. And then I realize that it's just silly to do that because, well, I'm not God and I can't possibly figure it all out! I don't get it...I don't know that I'll ever understand why I've gone through this so many times. I don't know if my mind could really grasp the magnitude of God's plan right now anyway. I have to remind myself often that someday I'll understand, but for now I just need to keep trusting Him. After all, when I look back on my life, it's the times that I trusted Him that things went the most smoothly. Remembering this doesn't make it easier to miss my kids...it just gives me hope. Sometimes a tiny bit of hope is all it takes for me to be "okay" in that moment.

The candle burns in our house more days than not. It's just a small thing that has touched my life in so many ways. A simple candle...a tiny flame...

a heart that still has hope.

Happy Birthday, little Jonah. 

Thanks for everything your brief life on earth has taught me the past 2 years...

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or 

crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. ~Revelation 21:4~

Shooting stars

I have this "thing" about shooting stars. I really like them...always have. But that's not my "thing"...

I truly believe that we are given "signs" and things like that from God. I truly believe that when our hearts hurt and  our vision gets clouded because of emotion, God uses whatever He can to break through and remind us that He loves us so much. I'm also pretty certain that I miss these signs sometimes. But there are times when it's undeniable for me. I can be having a really tough day when I'm feeling like a failure and Elijah will walk up out of the blue, give me a hug and say "You're my best mommy in the whole wide world!". Now, of course, I am his ONLY mommy but that is unimportant. I feel better. My kid likes me! Now, I'm sure that he loves me anyway but do you think it's possible that God played a bit of a role in my little boy walking up to me at that very moment to tell me those wonderful things? I believe it could be true...

...or when I'm feeling overwhelmed by something and I'm not near my Bible. Sometimes I'll struggle to remember "what in the world is that verse that I know would help me right now?". Suddenly, I'll remember a song that has that particular verse in it. Or I'll be driving and see any random object in nature and it flips that switch in my brain and I can remember. True, the tree, hill or whatever has ALWAYS been there but I noticed it at that very moment. I believe God has His hand in that, too.

Perhaps one of my favorite, yet difficult, signs that God gives me is shooting stars. Any person who has ever lost a loved one knows that grief is a funny thing that will sneak up on you unexpectedly...sometimes at the most inopportune time! What has always kind of ticked me off about grief is how you can feel awesome for days, weeks or even months...and then you have a day when you're just completely drowning in emotions that you thought were dealt with. No matter what you try to do to claw your way up and out of that hole of gut-wrenching sadness, you just feel like you keep falling to the bottom. It seems like a hopeless climb...

THAT has been the month of June for me. My most prevalent thought this month has been "I should have a little boy here who would be celebrating his first birthday with us...on earth." And this has played into my whole month...we bought a house, and Jonah won't get to be in it. Our new house has a big yard, and pretty soon (if not already) he would be walking and could play in the yard with Eli. There's a big park right across the street and I think about all the pictures I have with Elijah when he was so little in various parks. I won't ever have those pictures of Jonah...or of any of the children who are waiting in Heaven for us. This month, I haven't been having those positive "I trust God's plan and I'm OK"...it's been more of the "This sucks. This is unfair. Why?" approach this June.

This happened to me several months ago. I had met with some friends on a Tuesday evening and while I was driving home, I felt sad. I missed my children who are in Heaven, and really wished they were here with us. As I was on the ramp to get on I35, I saw shooting stars...not just one, but several. I smiled. For quite some time, whenever I see shooting stars, I like to think that it's my kids flicking them out of the sky...just for me. You see, I have an awesome 4 year old here on earth that, if given the opportunity, would most likely fling some stars out of the night sky! He's got spunk like that...and I'm positive that the other Clark kids are just as spunky! So to me, shooting stars are that sign from God. The sign that my kids are okay, with Him; that there really is a bigger picture; that God loves me so much and reminds me of it daily (every moment) if I just let Him.

The thing is...I've been waiting the entire month of June for a shooting star and I haven't seen one yet. Not ONE. I'm waiting...and trying to patiently remind myself that even without those little signs, God does love me, and I know He hasn't forgotten me. Every moment I just remind myself to find rest in Him. I'm reminded of the song I posted in my last blog entry, exactly a month ago:


Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
     When the oceans rise and thunders roar
     I will soar with you above the storm
     Father you are king over the flood
     I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
("STILL" - Hillsong)

A shooting star would still be such a welcome and comforting sign for me this month...

Yes...Still!

It's always interesting to see what God gives you when you ask for comfort and peace. Last night was awful. I don't know WHAT happened, WHERE it all came from or even WHY I suddenly felt like I was being bombarded by raw emotions that I couldn't handle. All I really knew was that I was hurting, and it sucked. I wanted it to be gone. It didn't matter how long I prayed, or how many times I asked God to take it away, I still went to bed feeling like my heart was ripped apart again.

I woke up this morning and didn't feel much better. I slept poorly and had some pretty intense dreams. As I pretty much rolled myself out of bed, I reminded myself that God would help me get through the day. I asked, well maybe it was more like begged, Him to please stay close. I knew I couldn't do this one on my own.

Typically, after I sit down in my pew at church, the first thing I do is scan the array of songs we'll be singing. I didn't this week. I couldn't. Music is a powerful thing for me and I knew if I started thinking about what we were going to be singing, I'd probably get myself all worked up and upset before it even started! So when we got to our fourth song, I realized God had given me a wonderful gift of comfort at that moment:


Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
     When the oceans rise and thunders roar
     I will soar with you above the storm
     Father you are king over the flood
     I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
("STILL" - Hillsong)


I was reminded that God is bigger than this. He has my back. He knows that it hurts, some days more than others. I believe that it makes Him sad, too.

And yet, I have to remember to trust...and to be still and know that He is God. This storm is a tough one for me, but God is holding me.

Because of that, I know I'm okay.

Still???

Should I still miss you so much that it rips my heart out to think about you? I mean, really...is it normal to have weeks of being "okay", only to have a night when something little makes your absence seem unbearable? Is it normal to just fall apart MONTHS later?

Yeah...it is.

It's totally normal, and it's completely acceptable.

But it still hurts like it was that day all over again.

So tonight I just pray that God gives me comfort and peace...

...because tonight it's so hard...

...again.

Happy Birthday, Jonah

I can't even really start to express just how much I've been dreading today. I just knew that it would be hard, and I knew that I didn't know what to expect. I didn't expect everything to start unraveling last night, but it did. I didn't expect to wake up at 5am this morning and not be able to fall back asleep (*that* happened last year, too...). but I did. Elijah and I already had plans for today. I had asked Eli a few weeks ago what he thought his baby brother would want for his birthday, and Eli said (without much thought!) that Jonah would want cookies and balloons. Well, I hope Oreos are okay because baking did NOT happen today! Balloons, however, did. Eli and I sat down late this morning and made a special card:

Eli wanted to sign his name, and Dad's as well. He picked each sticker by himself. He thought the smiley faces would make Jonah happy. And he thought Jonah would like the octopus because it was green, and the hippo because it was "fat and blue". Then he decided to write "love" and draw some circles and triangles. Then we headed to florist for some helium balloons:

Eli decided that Jonah's favorite colors were blue and green (like his own!) and I made sure we got a blue balloon for Eli as well. Then we headed to the park:

After I took the pictures, I asked Eli is he was ready to let the balloons go outside. He got a little anxious and accidentally let them go inside that little shelter...and they got stuck at the top!

First I tried to move the picnic table, which was frozen to the ground. Well, I wasn't giving up...I yanked at it until it moved!

Then I climbed up to rescue the balloons. I could grab the green one by the string but the blue one had a string that was just a little too short. The blue one...with the special note attached. I tried jumping but it was just out of my reach. I tried to smack it with the green balloon...didn't work. I tried to wrap the green balloon string around the blue balloon string and yank it down. Nothing was working, and by that time the tears had started. I kept reminding myself that it wasn't about the balloon...but I WANTED THAT BALLOON. And as I cried a little and prayed that the balloon would just come down, the wind blew and the balloon came a little lower. I still had to do the "wrap and yank" method but finally, I had two balloon strings in my hand. Thank you, God...really...thank you. So we tried again, and THIS time I told Eli to hold tight until we were outside!

It was a good balloon launch. It was a pretty foggy day but we watched the balloons until we couldn't see them anymore. I asked Elijah on the walk back to the car how long he thought it would take the balloons to get to heaven and he said "um, probably like 5 minutes". Eli asked if he could take a picture for Jonah:

He thought Jonah would like the little Christmas tree :-)

Misc. Elijah:

He's getting so big. Sometimes it really catches me off guard! His hat is awesome, don't you think?

The name Jonah means "dove", which really played a role in my part of the decision in naming our little boy. This past February I noticed we have two mourning doves that hang out in the tree in front of our house. Coincidence, perhaps...to a grieving mommy, it's nothing short of a miracle direct from God. When we moved into this half of the house in July, I anxiously waited to see if I would see the pair. I can only see them if I'm at the window in Elijah's room, or the window in our spare bedroom. During the summer and autumn, sometimes I'd wake up early with the sunrise and sneak into the spare room to watch for the pair. Some days I saw them, some days I didn't. I wished so much that I could see them all day, every day. As of Christmas Eve, I have a dove in my window permanently:

Today was so dreary and gloomy, but I'm anxious for some sunlight to come through that dove. Right now he's hanging out in our dining room window, so he will hopefully catch the afternoon sun through that bare tree in our backyard. I think in the spring and summer, I might move him to the living room so he can see the morning sun, too. A little research provided the following information about the symbolism of a dove:

Symbolism of Mourning Doves

By virtue of their melancholy call, Mourning Doves have been fittingly named as such. Their distinctive “wooo-oo-oo-oo” sounds may evoke a feeling of grief over the loss of a dearly beloved. But far from representing death, the symbolism of Mourning Doves is actually more optimistic and spiritual. Beyond their sorrowful song is a message of life, hope, renewal and peace.

Among all the birds, the Mourning Dove prides itself as the celebrated bird – gracing sacred scripture (The Holy Bible under the Christian Faith) and appearing as a recurring icon in our lives. What does the Mourning Dove symbolize? Below are the traditional and primary concepts it epitomizes:

• A symbol of the Holy Spirit

The Holy Spirit, one of the figures of the Holy Trinity (The Christian Doctrine advancing the belief that God exists in 3 persons: Father, Son and Spirit) is depicted as a dove in the baptism of Jesus. According to the Bible, when Jesus emerged from the water, a dove from heaven descended upon him. Baptism is a Christian Sacrament of spiritual rebirth by which we our “cleansed” of our “original sin,” and the Holy Spirit places us in permanent union in Christ, and makes us a formal member of the Christian Community.

• A symbol of Hope

In the Noah’s Ark story, God decided to create a big flood to wipe out all the people on earth, except for Noah and his family. After forty days and forty nights, Noah released a raven to look for dry land. When the raven returned without success, a dove was then released. The dove, thereafter, flew back triumphantly with an olive leaf. Noah was pleased. It brought reassurance that trees were growing on dry land – a certain sign of life! The dove stood, therefore for new beginnings, great expectations and deliverance.

• A symbol of Peace

Although it is a white dove that typically represents peace and safety, Mourning Doves may also represent the same. The states of Wisconsin and Michigan regard the Mourning Dove as their official state symbol of peace. Pablo Picasso, the famous Spanish artist, when commissioned to design the logo for the World Peace Congress in 1949, drew a dove entitled “Dove of Peace-Blue.” It is because of their simple and maternal nature that doves have become a symbol of solidarity and concord among nations.

My day is pretty close to done. It's almost 8pm which means soon, Elijah will be in bed. Adam is working tonight and honestly, I think the quiet will feel a bit lonely. Tomorrow will be a new day, and although I know the hurt won't be completely gone, I know that I'll be able to remember today as "okay". It wasn't easy, but it wasn't terrible. I allowed myself to cry, which I don't do every day. I'm ready for the hurt to be gone, but I'm pretty certain that won't be anytime soon. I don't know when I'll be able to actually see and hold my baby Jonah again, or if he'll even be a baby when I do, but I do know that I'm one day closer.

"I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone, how can I carry on

if I can't find You?

and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away."

Psalm 121: 1-2

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth"

It's been one month...

One month of so many to come. I miss you so much, Jonah Matthew...I hope you know just how much you are loved and missed. My heart aches, and my arms ache to hold you, just one more time. I love and miss you, my beautiful baby boy. Someday I know I will see you you again and the reunion will be so sweet! Until then, please grow and be beautiful in the Lord. I wish you were here but I know that God has another plan for you, my precious baby boy...

Jonah's Page

Tiny Angel

Tiny Angel, rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown

Square one, I guess

So I had my follow up appointment with the OB today, to make sure everything is healing physically and to get the results of my tests. So what did I learn? Nothing, really.

First, I had some sort of bacterial infection that was discovered during the D&C. Not sure what it was or whether it caused the preterm labor, but it was there. Second, this was probably NOT due to an incompetent cervix...I had symptoms of preterm labor (the contractions in the early morning) and those are not common with IC. Usually IC is discovered at a routine appointment and the woman doesn't feel any contractions because the dilation is gradual. Mine was not like that. The doctor said if he had to give me his best guess it would be this: "SOMETHING" caused my body to go into preterm labor. It could have been the infection, or the infection could have occurred after labor started. Cause is really unknown, but for some reason my body decided to start labor.

So good news? It's not an incompetent cervix (he's pretty certain of this) so the chances of it happening in another pregnancy are very slim.

The bad news? We don't know what caused this to happen. It will just be that much tougher to watch for it and prevent it in any future pregnancy. It's going to kind of be like saying "OK, so some mystery infection was present during my D&C. I went into preterm labor with the baby still alive, and nobody knows what caused it. What can we do to prevent this now?" Ugh.

So, I am thankful that I didn't get any really bad news. I did have a dream that I went to this appointment and was told they couldn't put my uterus back into my body because it was falling out...I am SO thankful that isn't the case! But of course I am a little disappointed that I don't know any more than I did 3 weeks ago. It makes me sad again to feel like my body betrayed me...and I really want some peace of mind. I'd like to know that if we ever get pregnant again, this isn't going to happen, but I can't know that.

So it comes down to trust. In the car on the way home, all I could really think was "God, I trust that You know what You're doing, and that there really is a reason that we are going through all this. And I trust that whatever happens in the future is also going to only happen because You want it to. And I trust that You'll help me to accept that."

Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

My sweet Elijah

I'm pretty much on an emotional roller coaster right now, which I suppose can be expected. It's so frustrating to me that one minute I feel fine, only to want to collapse into a sobbing mess and hide from the world the very next minute. And I feel bad that Elijah has to see me like this. I wish that while he is awake I could just pull it all together and be strong, for him. But it doesn't always work out like that.

Tonight, Elijah decided to eat dinner 3 times, with the third time occurring about 10 minutes before he was supposed to go to bed. I sat at the table with him while he ate Frosted Mini Wheats and he decided to get a little sassy and test my patience, declaring quite loudly that he would not be going to bed tonight...not until Daddy got home (which won't be until after 1am sometime). After just a few seconds, I decided that I wasn't going to argue any more and just put my face into my hands to compose myself as I felt the tears threatening. Here is the rest of our conversation:

Eli: "Mommy, I need to see your eyes."

Me: (lifting my head to look at him) "Why? You're being sassy and I'm tired."

Eli: "Mommy, why are you crying? Do you miss your baby brother?"

Me: "Buddy, he's your baby brother. He's Mommy and Daddy's little boy, just like you."

Eli: "Yeah...I miss him, too."

Me: "Do you remember what his name is, Eli?"

Eli: "Yes! He's little baby Jonah."

Me: "That's right. And do you remember where Mommy and Daddy told you that Jonah is?"

Eli: "Yes...he's in Heaven with Jesus and God and some angels."

Me: (I could only nod because he sounded so sweet now)

Eli: "Why is little baby Jonah in Heaven with Jesus?"

Me: (not quite prepared for that question) "Well, because Jesus wants Jonah there. I don't know why but I know that Jesus is taking care of him for us."

Eli: "Is Jesus taking good care of him?"

Me: "Yes...He's taking care of Jonah for us until we can see him again someday."

Eli: "Can we go tomorrow to Heaven to see him?"

Me: "Not tomorrow, Buddy. I don't know when we can go but someday I know we will."

Eli: "And I will hug my baby brother!"

Me: "Yes, we all will. You're a good boy, Eli."

Eli: "And you're my best little mommy, Mommy!"


A little while later, I overheard Elijah talking in his bed. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying but I kept hearing "my baby brother Jonah..." and I suddenly realized that he was talking to his stuffed animals about him. And I heard him telling them about Jonah in Heaven with Jesus. I guess he understands it better than I thought he did. It does make me a little sad, however, because I realize again that Elijah would be an awesome big brother. I really hope he has that chance someday.

"Even the smallest of feet have the power to
leave everlasting footprints upon this world"

Heartbroken

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"
Psalm 34:18

On Tuesday, December 29th, I woke up early having contractions, which I knew was not a good sign at just over 22 weeks pregnant. We went to the doctor for an ultrasound, and found that the baby was alive and healthy! However, I had started to dilate. We were sent to a perinatal specialist in the hopes that we could stop dilation and stitch the cervix closed. By the time we saw the doctor, I had dilated to 4cm and the bag of waters had begun to slip through my cervix...this unfortunately meant there was no way to stop what had started. We were devastated...our baby was still alive! We were told we had two choices : go to the hospital immediately for a D&E , or go home and wait for my body to start labor naturally. There was really no choice in my mind, nor in Adam's...the baby was alive and we would not use any medical procedure. The doctor understood, and told us to go home and that I should spend the time in bed. He said within a day or two, my water would break and at that time we should go the hospital.

We got home about 4:30pm that day. By 4:45 pm my water broke and there was no time. I had to deliver our son in our bathroom, which was just so difficult. I never passed the placenta which meant I had to cut the cord, which I knew meant I was cutting the only lifeline my son had. We had to go the the ER because I hadn't passed everything and spent the remainder of the night in the ER, then in surgery for a D&C, and finally in a room due to excessive bleeding and fear of hemorrhaging . Thankfully, the hospital staff was amazing and we were able to spend some wonderful time with our baby boy before he was sent to the funeral home. I was allowed to go home Wednesday afternoon, and we spent the afternoon making the final arrangements for our baby boy, Jonah Matthew. The past 2 days have been spent trying to help my 3 year old son make sense out of "mommy had your baby brother but he's in Heaven with Jesus and can't be here with us". I don't understand it...how in the world can my 3 year old?

I have had many miscarriages, but this one is so different for me. This baby was alive, and my body failed. I don't blame myself but sometimes I want to. Nothing makes sense. I am so crushed and hurting...the nightmares I have now are unbelievable. My mind is reeling over the possibilities, all the "what ifs?". And I feel so guilty sometimes...like if I actually smile or laugh about something, I think "how can you be smiling?" I know it will get easier...it always has...but I just hurt so much right now.

I'LL BE THERE

Daddy please don't look so sad, Momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

Please, try not to question God, don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you, and then He changed His mind
You see, I am a special child,and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him,the product of your love.

I'll always be there with you, and watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.
That's me, in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a little breeze,from a gentle wind that blows,
That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
That's me, I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.

So daddy, please don't look so sad, and Momma don't you cry,
I'm in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.
(Author unknown)