Heartbroken

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"
Psalm 34:18



On Tuesday, December 29th, I woke up early having contractions, which I knew was not a good sign at almost 17 weeks pregnant. We went to the doctor for an ultrasound, and found that the baby was alive and healthy! However, I had started to dilate. We were sent to a perinatal specialist in the hopes that we could stop dilation and stitch the cervix closed. By the time we saw the doctor, I had dilated to 4cm and the bag of waters had begun to slip through my cervix...this unfortunately meant there was no way to stop what had started. We were devastated...our baby was still alive! We were told we had two choices : go to the hospital immediately for a D&E , or go home and wait for my body to start labor naturally. There was really no choice in my mind, nor in Adam's...the baby was alive and we would not use any medical procedure. The doctor understood, and told us to go home and that I should spend the time in bed. He said within a day or two, my water would break and at that time we should go the hospital.

We got home about 4:30pm that day. By 4:45 pm my water broke and there was no time. I had to deliver our son in our bathroom, which was just so difficult. I never passed the placenta which meant I had to cut the cord, which I knew meant I was cutting the only lifeline my son had. We had to go the the ER because I hadn't passed everything and spent the remainder of the night in the ER, then in surgery for a D&C, and finally in a room due to excessive bleeding and fear of hemorrhaging . Thankfully, the hospital staff was amazing and we were able to spend some wonderful time with our baby boy before he was sent to the funeral home. I was allowed to go home Wednesday afternoon, and we spent the afternoon making the final arrangements for our baby boy, Jonah Matthew. The past 2 days have been spent trying to help my 3 year old son make sense out of "mommy had your baby brother but he's in Heaven with Jesus and can't be here with us". I don't understand it...how in the world can my 3 year old?

I have had several miscarriages, but this one is so different for me. This baby was alive, and my body failed. I don't blame myself but sometimes I want to. Nothing makes sense. I am so crushed and hurting...the nightmares I have now are unbelievable. My mind is reeling over the possibilities, all the "what ifs?". And I feel so guilty sometimes...like if I actually smile or laugh about something, I think "how can you be smiling?" I know it will get easier...it always has...but I just hurt so much right now.




I'LL BE THERE

Daddy please don't look so sad, Momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

Please, try not to question God, don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you, and then He changed His mind
You see, I am a special child,and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him,the product of your love.

I'll always be there with you, and watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.
That's me, in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a little breeze,from a gentle wind that blows,
That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
That's me, I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.

So daddy, please don't look so sad, and Momma don't you cry,
I'm in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.
(Author unknown)





Comments

Mandi said…
I love you honey... and I have no profound words of comfort, just an aching heart for you. I've prayed plenty for your uterus, and now I pray for YOUR heart, as it heals. {{HUGS}}
Maybe now that you know why you've been having miscarriages they can fix the problem with future pregnancies. Love you!
silverhartgirl said…
I am so sorry. Your loss is so heartbreaking. Hugs

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