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Showing posts from December, 2010

God loves me :)

Today, while driving around doing errands, I heard a song that really put some things into perspective for me. I cried for a moment in the Target parking lot, but it was okay today...even through the hurt, I know that my God loves me. Sometimes it's very easy to forget that God loves us when things are bad because we just feel crappy. But today, while just driving alone with my own thoughts to keep me company, I felt that love and presence so much...and I was so thankful. I know things aren't going to magically be "all better" tomorrow, or even next year. But my God loves me and for me, that is enough to get me through each day.
**MORE** - Matthew West
Take a look at the mountain
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I lov…

Happy Birthday, Jonah

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I can't even really start to express just how much I've been dreading today. I just knew that it would be hard, and I knew that I didn't know what to expect. I didn't expect everything to start unraveling last night, but it did. I didn't expect to wake up at 5am this morning and not be able to fall back asleep (*that* happened last year, too...). but I did. Elijah and I already had plans for today. I had asked Eli a few weeks ago what he thought his baby brother would want for his birthday, and Eli said (without much thought!) that Jonah would want cookies and balloons. Well, I hope Oreos are okay because baking did NOT happen today! Balloons, however, did. Eli and I sat down late this morning and made a special card:

Eli wanted to sign his name, and Dad's as well. He picked each sticker by himself. He thought the smiley faces would make Jonah happy. And he thought Jonah would like the octopus because it was green, and the hippo because it was "fat and blu…

My storm...

I don't know...I really didn't expect to fall apart like this until tomorrow but I really don't know that I can make it through RIGHT NOW, much less tomorrow...

Praise You in This Storm --Casting Crowns--
I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear Yo…

I feel like a hypocrite...

I am having a very hard time right now. I spent the past 12 days focusing on all of the positive things that I have gained this year, positive and happy things despite the sad things. I truly believe the things I said but...
I feel hypocritical. It started Christmas Eve. It started with an innocent shirt on a child...a shirt that said "My first Christmas". And suddenly my world stated to fall apart at the seams a little. I swallowed most of the hurt and grief and just tried to go on but it seemed that the harder I tried, the more it hurt. I really tried to focus once again on the "happy things", but they seemed so trivial. I reminded myself that my special Jonah got to spend his first Christmas with Jesus, and selfishness took over and I felt a twinge of anger and sadness because I wanted him HERE. I scolded myself on Christmas morning and reminded myself to be happy for the things I DO have here...my family, my friends, my husband, my Elijah, my cats, my life, my G…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 12

On another blog I follow, the writer challenged those of us who have lost children to spend "the 12 days of Christmas" thinking about the gifts, tangible or non-tangible, that we have been "left" by our child's short life. There aren't many tangible things that we have from Jonah (although there are a few), but because of that, I've been almost forced to focus more on what isn't seen with my eyes or held in my hands. I'm taking this "challenge" because this month is really hard, harder than I'll admit to anyone (myself included). I need something. I'm not sure I'll be able to follow the "12 days format" of having the exact number of something for each day (12 things on day 12, for instance) but we'll see. What a year 2010 has been!

**Day 12 (12/25): 12...twelve amazing Tuesdays. Every third Tuesday of each month, I spend about 2 hours with some of the most amazing women I have ever met. It is a time for laughte…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 11

**Day 11 (12/24): 11...Hebrews chapter eleven. The entire chapter talks about what faith can do, and what it actually DID for some people. Verse one says: "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see," and Verse six says: "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
This entire year has been a true walk of faith for me. I can't say it's been easy. But God and I had several long chats during which I expressed my desire to live a life of faith, not just hope. I won't lie...I hope we have more kids! But I have faith that whatever happens, it's truly part of God's plan for me. I can't say that I always like to admit that I'm not in control of things but slowly, it's becoming easier for me to just allow God to have that control of me. My life here is temporary...my true home is in heave…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 10

**Day 10 (12/23): 10...ten inches squared. When the nurses in the hospital brought Jonah into my room for us, he was wrapped in a tiny blue blanket that measured 10in x 10in. 10 square inches of blue, fuzzy blanket for a tiny baby. I keep it in Jonah's memory box for the most part, but some times I take it out to hold it for just a moment or two. Sometimes I wish that it smelled like a "real" baby blanket, but if I close my eyes, sometimes I can imagine that new baby smell. I wonder if babies have that new baby smell in Heaven?

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 9

**Day 9 (12/22): 9...nine angel baby friends. There are times in this journey when, even with others around me, I feel very lonely. I wonder if Jonah even thinks about me, or if he asks Jesus about his family here...or if he ever talks to his brothers and/or sisters up there about their family on earth. It's impossible for me to imagine what his life is like there, but I know that it must be wonderful, which gives me some peace. But the mother in me wonders if he's okay, and if his brothers and/or sisters are okay...and sometimes I imagine them with their friends. There are 9 other "angel babies" that come to mind when I imagine my children's friends in Heaven. They are babies of women I have met during this journey...women who feel so many of the same things that I feel and understand how crazy everything can feel at times. It's an odd sort of comforting feeling that I get when I think of our children running around in Heaven...it makes me smile away tears s…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 8

**Day 8 (12/21): 8...eight little letters --> ILOVEYOU. I say it more often and I think about the people I love more often. Life is fragile, and it can be gone in a mere heartbeat. It's become more important to me this year especially to make sure the ones I love know just how much they mean to me.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 7

**Day 7 (12/20): 7...Seven special days. What makes them really special to me is I get seven special days every week for the rest of my earthly life. It seems so simple, but I don't think I really relished every day in the past, at least not like I did this year. This year, every day was amazing in some way. Some days were terrible, some days were great; some days were too cold for my liking, others too hot; some days my Elijah was just a handful of preschool madness and craziness, others he was so well-behaved I began to wonder if he was the same kid! Some days we ate frozen pizza for dinner, some days I managed an awesome pot roast with mashed potatoes and some amazing lemon-garlic green beans. Some days I felt on top of the world, while other days I thought I couldn't crawl out of the hole that I seemed to be hiding in. But looking back, I was given 7 days every week to be alive. I am given 7 days a week to fulfill my purpose here on earth...what am I doing with those days?…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 6

**Day 6 (12/19): 6...Six words from a favorite hymn: STANDING ON THE PROMISES OF GOD. I remember singing this song especially as a child, and I remember how the words and melody were simple enough that our rather small Baptist congregation would belt it out at the top of our lungs. A simple message...we can trust our God, because HE follows through on his promises to us. And I will continue to rest in MY savior as my "all in all".
Standing on the promises of Christ my King! Through eternal ages let his praises ring! Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing! Standing on the promises of God.
(Refrain:) Standing, standing, standing on the promises of Christ my Savior! Standing, standing... I'm standing on the promises of God!
Standing on the promises that cannot fail, when the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, by the living Word of God I shall prevail, standing on the promises of God.
Standing on the promises I now can see, perfect, present cleansing in the blood for me, standing…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 5

**Day 5 (12/18): 5...Five basic senses, now stronger and enhanced. Everything I experience is on a new level now. I find that I see beauty in things that at one time were ordinary. I have always loved music and it's been a huge part of my life, but I listen to words and melodies differently now. I find myself smelling everyone's clean clothes because I can smell my husband and son's unique "smell" on them...I hope that doesn't sound too crazy! I cherish every touch from everyone, and I've NEVER been a hugger. I always have shied away from physical touch because it made me uncomfortable. Now, I especially look forward to my son and husband hugging me. I feel safer. Finally, taste. Well, I have learned to enjoy food more this year but that COULD be because I started running competitively and I'm just hungrier! However, I wouldn't have started racing when I did if I'd still been pregnant at the beginning of 2010, so I think it qualifies as a gift…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 4

**Day 4 (12/17): 4...Four letter words. Stick with me for a minute, I promise they are positive words! I have a different view of some four letter words in my life now.
HEAL...I thought it would just happen. I thought it would be an end point. But it's not...the heal part of losing a child is a process, and it's continual.
LIFE...my babies each had a life. They were short lives, but it was a life nonetheless. It is such a struggle but I want in MY own life to celebrate their lives. I don't want people to be afraid to talk to me about my children in Heaven. It's very hard, sometimes, because the pain of grief makes it easier to focus on losing them. But each of them had their HUMAN life, and now they each are living their heavenly life. Someday I, too, will join them. Until then, I know they are in good hands!
HOPE...some days, it feels like I have none. But I do. I hope for many things...another child to hold here on earth, a sibling that my son can play with, a heart tha…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 3

**Day 3 (12/16): 3...Three angel babies. It is the number of children Adam and I have in heaven, and the number of siblings Eli has. When we lost Jonah last December, the other losses came back to me. It wasn't that I didn't think of them prior to this but very suddenly I thought of them more frequently. So many "what ifs" and "whys" really haunted me for months. Slowly I've been able to think about them all without feeling completely unstable.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 2

**Day 2 (12/15): 2...Two tiny hand prints and two tiny footprints. The hospital was so wonderful to us and took footprints, hand prints and even photos. Those prints are so precious, because I remember holding a tiny, 6 inch long and 3oz baby and marveling at how perfect everything was. I remember counting fingers and toes...and there were 10 of each. Amazing. I commented to our pastor when he came to visit that Jonah was perfect...just born too soon and everything was just too small. Sometimes it's hard to comprehend how something so small can leave such a big empty place in your heart and soul when it's not here.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 1

On another blog I follow, the writer challenged those of us who have lost children to spend "the 12 days of Christmas" thinking about the gifts, tangible or non-tangible, that we have been "left" by our child's short life. There aren't many tangible things that we have from Jonah (although there are a few), but because of that, I've been almost forced to focus more on what isn't seen with my eyes or held in my hands. I'm taking this "challenge" because this month is really hard, harder than I'll admit to anyone (myself included). I need something. I'm not sure I'll be able to follow the "12 days format" of having the exact number of something for each day (12 things on day 12, for instance) but we'll see. What a year 2010 has been!
**Day 1 (12/14): 1...One big brother who cherishes the memory of his baby brother that he'll only get to meet in Heaven someday. Elijah plays with his toy nativity set and calls…