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Showing posts from May, 2011

Yes...Still!

It's always interesting to see what God gives you when you ask for comfort and peace. Last night was awful. I don't know WHAT happened, WHERE it all came from or even WHY I suddenly felt like I was being bombarded by raw emotions that I couldn't handle. All I really knew was that I was hurting, and it sucked. I wanted it to be gone. It didn't matter how long I prayed, or how many times I asked God to take it away, I still went to bed feeling like my heart was ripped apart again.

I woke up this morning and didn't feel much better. I slept poorly and had some pretty intense dreams. As I pretty much rolled myself out of bed, I reminded myself that God would help me get through the day. I asked, well maybe it was more like begged, Him to please stay close. I knew I couldn't do this one on my own.

Typically, after I sit down in my pew at church, the first thing I do is scan the array of songs we'll be singing. I didn't this week. I couldn't. Music is a p…

Still???

Should I still miss you so much that it rips my heart out to think about you? I mean, really...is it normal to have weeks of being "okay", only to have a night when something little makes your absence seem unbearable? Is it normal to just fall apart MONTHS later?

Yeah...it is.

It's totally normal, and it's completely acceptable.

But it still hurts like it was that day all over again.

So tonight I just pray that God gives me comfort and peace...

...because tonight it's so hard...

...again.

Allowing God to comfort you

Sometimes when I'm upset, I really don't like to be touched. Obviously this is true if I'm angry or irritated about something, but I've found it occasionally happens if I'm sad about something. It may be a person's natural, caring instinct to try to hug me but that gesture might be met by resistance from me. It's easy for me to shut down when I'm trying to deal with emotions.

The past two days have been interesting. I got answer to a prayer, but I wasn't especially thrilled by the answer. It confused me, and made me a little irritated. During the extended amount of time this request was prayed for, I continually asked God to help me accept whatever answer He gave me. I really believed that I was okay with whatever answer came...

...until that answer came.

There was hurt and disappointment. There was a little peace. There was some misdirected anger. Okay, I sort of raised my voice to God. I told Him that I was upset, and that I felt like I had been &q…

Satan is a jerk

Satan is a jerk.

I'm pretty sure that A: nobody is going to disagree with my statement and B: this is not news to anyone. I felt it was important enough to state not only in my post title, but also the first sentence. Perhaps I find it necessary to reiterate simply because it is such an obvious, but important, truth. Honestly, however, I'm kind of hoping he reads my blog so that he knows that I'm onto his unscrupulous trickery. Enough with the shenanigans already!

Okay, back on track. Satan knows exactly what to use to try to bring a Christian down...to make one doubt herself and her faith. Sometimes he likes to try to get me to believe that I'm a bad mom, which is what happened last week. God set me straight when I told Him about that. Other times, Satan has tried to tell me that I'm starting too late...that all those years that I was acting pretty rebelliously toward God will always haunt me. Yeah, God and I talk about that one a lot, too. God has been good about…

When I'm wrong...

I don't particularly like being wrong about something. I admit, sometimes I am wrong but sometimes it irks me when it gets pointed out to me. I've found that I tend to react 2 very different ways when my error is shown to me. If the person pointing out my error tends to be attacking about it, I get defensive. Example: "No, you're wrong...black and white, no discussion...whatever debate you provide I can't hear because you're wrong." This person could very well be correct. It may be black and white and I may already realize my error. Their method of correction has sparked a defensive fire in me and I go into argumentative mode, or shut down mode. (That's just me pouting because yes, I'm wrong but my feelings are hurt because I feel attacked by the less than gentle approach!)

Then, there is the person who says: "Okay, I see what you're saying/doing. However, let me point 'A,B, and C'. What do you think?" My defensiveness is muc…

Be Still...

"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10a

I have a tough time with this. You see, my Type A personality gets in the way...a lot. When there is a crisis (or perceived crisis), I like to act on it and start to fix it. When there is something that needs to get done (or I think needs to get done!), I like to get an action plan and then get the plan into action! I like to figure things out, to understand not only the answer to something but how I got there, and WHY it happened and HOW I can use it in the future or prevent it from happening again. When I worked as a manager, I filled my office and store with charts, graphs, spreadsheets, lists and everything was color-coded somehow...even the managers who worked under me had colors assigned to them! I like order, and I like routine. I like to know what's coming next. I get a little unnerved if someone tries to adjust my organizing.

I like control. (There...I said it!)

So it's very difficult for me when God tells me…