Thursday, December 29, 2011

Tiny flickers of hope...

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. ~Psalm 116:7~
But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; 
my God will hear me. ~Micah 7:7~

This past year, I started something new. It started late this summer when we had moved into our new house. I started a simple act that proved more meaningful than I expected, something that started "just because" and became some of my most precious moments during the second half of 2011. Something that nobody knew the meaning of except for me.

I started to light a candle.

Not just any candle. I light candles a lot, especially in the winter. Rather I started to light a specific candle at various times throughout the day. I found this candle to be the most beautiful candle I had ever experienced.

This simple candle had become my little Jonah.


You see, for whatever reason, when I lit this candle in the middle of our dining room table for the first time so many months ago, I started to think about my little boy. It wasn't all sad thoughts, though. Instead, there were some peaceful thoughts...thoughts about what he might be doing up in heaven. Thoughts about what heaven must be like. Thoughts about how wonderful it must be to spend every moment of eternity with our Savior. Thoughts about how someday I get to be there...

forever.


A candle did this for me. A candle prompted me to really spend more than just a moment thinking about what I've been given. I'm the child of an Almighty God who willingly gave His only Son as a sacrifice so that I could be part of HIS FAMILY and live forever with Him.

wow...


I have more children in heaven than I will probably have here on Earth. I often look at Elijah and realize he doesn't even know that he's one of six. Because I know just how fragile life is, I try to cherish everything, even the seemingly small things, because I feel blessed that I have him...he's a gift in so many ways. If someone came to me today and said  "Hey, if you are willing, your son Elijah can sacrificially save the world from 'X,Y, and Z'!" I would take Eli and run the other direction as fast as I possibly could. I wouldn't stop until I was so far away that I felt safe...and I would drop off the grid and nobody would see us again. Yeah...I'm serious. I won't dwell on this thought because I'm pretty certain it's not going to come to that! :-) My point is that God did what I know I could never do...

for me...for you...for anyone who wants it.


This hasn't really made the whole thing easier for me, however. December sucks...it is really a hard month. I realized last year, and then again this year, that losing Jonah in December 2009 now causes me to think about and grieve the losses of all my children. It's like I get to the end of the year and suddenly get bombarded with memories and grief all over again. It makes me sad. I think about each child not only on the day they went to heaven, but also random times throughout the year. A mother doesn't forget her children, even when they're not in her sight. And then in December, I get to remember all over again...

and then again...and again...


I'm no fun to be around in December. I don't want it to be this way, and this year I tried (really, I did...) to be a bit more pleasant. It didn't work. We wouldn't have put up any Christmas decorations if Adam hadn't pulled the decoration totes out of the closet and left them pretty much in the middle of the living room floor. I want Eli to have good memories of his childhood Christmases. I want to share with him the true joy and happiness that can be found in the true meaning of Christmas. I want him to grow up knowing just how special the birth of Jesus is for all of us. I want everyone to be happy, myself included...

but it's hard to do when you hurt...
when all you really want to do is crawl in a hole until January 1st.


Back to the candle. The first candle that I was lighting eventually became unusable. I wondered what I would do...I mean, the candle that suddenly had HUGE meaning to me was gone. I pondered this for a few days before I decided to just get another candle for the holder. I wondered if I would get the same feelings, or this new candle would just be like any other random candle. So I lit the new candle...

and I thought about my little Jonah,
 and about my babies who are with him right now.


It wasn't the object that held meaning...it was the symbolism, and the feelings, and the memories. It was that bright flame on both candles that flickered just enough to touch my heart, and made me smile when I wanted to cry. It was that little light that helped me remember how close my God always is to me, even when I feel like He is so far away. It was remembering the intense love I feel for all my children, and being reminded that my heavenly Father loves all His children SO MUCH. It was that small flame that reminded me again that my babies spent their first birthday and their first Christmas in heaven...with Jesus. I'll bet they got to sit right on Jesus' lap and hear the Christmas story from Him...and they get to celebrate His special birthday WITH HIM every year!  It [lighting a candle] was something I had done thousands of times before in my lifetime, but one day, lighting a candle suddenly held new meaning for me. A candle...it can't replace those who aren't here, but it somehow helps me feel a little closer to them. So I light that candle often...sometimes in the middle of the day when I'm sitting at the table on the computer or doing my devotions. Sometimes I light it at night, when I know I'll be walking past the table many times. The candle was lit for Thanksgiving dinner, and for Christmas dinner...in fact, for many dinners during these past few months. My babies were there with us...at least in my heart and mind. Seeing the small flame makes me realize that five tiny souls have impacted my life in an enormous way. Losing them was heart-wrenching, but realizing that I am who I am today because of all my past experiences helps to ignite that flame of hope in me...

sometimes just enough so I know 
I can make it through the next tough moment.

I've met so many other moms in the past 2 years who have lost children. We all agree that we can never understand God's ways, see His master plan or completely know how our child's brief life is part of that plan. It's hard, because I formulate theories about "why" and think about how it might all work. And then I realize that it's just silly to do that because, well, I'm not God and I can't possibly figure it all out! I don't get it...I don't know that I'll ever understand why I've gone through this so many times. I don't know if my mind could really grasp the magnitude of God's plan right now anyway. I have to remind myself often that someday I'll understand, but for now I just need to keep trusting Him. After all, when I look back on my life, it's the times that I trusted Him that things went the most smoothly. Remembering this doesn't make it easier to miss my kids...it just gives me hope. Sometimes a tiny bit of hope is all it takes for me to be "okay" in that moment.

The candle burns in our house more days than not. It's just a small thing that has touched my life in so many ways. A simple candle...a tiny flame...

a heart that still has hope.

Happy Birthday, little Jonah. 
Thanks for everything your brief life on earth has taught me the past 2 years...

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or 
crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. ~Revelation 21:4~

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Running with birds...

Have you ever stopped to watch a large bird soaring above you in the sky? I don't mean casually looking up and thinking "oh hey, look at the bird flying"; I mean really watching the act of soaring? Today I became totally engrossed in it...completely intrigued. I was out for a long run and happened to notice a group of 4 large birds above me, soaring. I couldn't avert my eyes because the longer I watched, the more beautiful it became. They looked so graceful, and their movements seemed so effortless. They just left their wings out wide and soared above me in the blue sky, and it seemed so peaceful. Soon, they were out of my sight and I started running again, which I'm fairly certain did not look nearly as beautiful as the soaring birds!

As I was running, I started to think about Isaiah 40:31 -


"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (NIV)


I have always loved this verse. When I first memorized the verse many years ago, it was in the King James version, which says "...those who wait upon the LORD..."  Waiting, hoping...not inactively sitting and moping,  but rather knowing that our strength is coming from our Heavenly Father. Instead of hoping for the best or hoping that I can make the outcome good, it's a sense of peace knowing that God is working everything together for me...that He really does have a great plan for my life. It's trusting Him, and looking to Him for the help that I need in every moment of every day. It's knowing that this life is not all there is for me; I have something more to look forward to. Hope is a tricky thing, because it's not linear. You don't just start "getting hope" and then you always get more as time passes. Instead, you can have much hope at any given time and suddenly lose it, or see it diminish. Why? Why if I'm really hoping in the Lord, or waiting on God, would my hope falter?

Then I started thinking about renewing strength. The last thing I "renewed" was a library book. What did that mean, exactly? It means I get to keep the book longer! Huh...so if I'm hoping in the Lord, and waiting on God, I get to keep my strength longer? Interesting thought! :)

Soaring...on wings of eagles. Watching an eagle soar is amazing. They are such large, powerful birds. They are beautiful to watch, as they soar swiftly and seemingly effortlessly in the sky. I remember learning as a child that bird's bones are hollow and lightweight. And yet, those bones are inside such a strong creature. Can I really soar like an eagle with God? Will my life really ever seem like soaring? Can I be strong, like those eagles, with God? I already knew the answer, of course.
I know I can...and I know that God and I mutually agree that we both want this!

Suddenly my iPod switched songs...I swear I am NOT lying when I say the song "Everlasting God" came on. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord..."  This is so true! When I'm actively putting my hope where it belongs...in my Father above...I do feel like I'm a stronger person, and I know that strength is God's awesome power. I feel like things aren't quite so bleak. It's when that hope wilts that the intricately woven threads of my life seem to start unraveling, and I start to feel, well,

hopeless.

It isn't always easy to remain hopeful in God. It isn't always easy to trust Him. It sure isn't easy to believe in a better outcome when life is throwing daggers at you from every direction. Life hurts sometimes, and it's much easier to just feel sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for myself usually just makes me more miserable. On the other hand, I know what it feels like to feel hopeful IN GOD. I've been there, and to be honest, I really like to be there. I try to stay there, seated at the feet of the Almighty, knowing that His strength is perfect. It's a good place for me to be. The longer I stay there, the easier it becomes to stay. I may not ever soar through life effortlessly, but I've seen how great life is when I keep my eyes turned upward - not to watch the eagles, but to look to my Almighty Father.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

School days

Hard to believe how big he is already...next year is kindergarten!






New preschool for him this year but it doesn't seem to be phasing him. I think I was more worked up over the school change than he was! He just really likes going to school. I'm so glad he has the opportunity to attend a good school, and that he enjoys it so much. I always liked school and I think the experiences I had and the knowledge that I gained from my school years are so valuable to me...I hope Eli continues to enjoy school!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Field trip - Jacobson Bear Creek Park

I had planned this as a late morning trip to a park we hadn't been to yet. On the agenda was a picnic lunch, followed by a walk to explore the trails in the small wooded area. Eli had other plans in mind, I guess! Let's recap through some pictures, shall we?

Eli took this picture on the way to the park. He is enamored by our town's water tower...thinks it's pretty cool.

Entrance to the park

"Mom, can I run over there before lunch?" Yup!



"Mom, can I stand on the table before lunch?" Sure, why not?!




Just a few pictures from around the picnic tables.





 Yummy lunch...string cheese, grapes, hard-boiled eggs, apples, PBJ (sans crust, of course) for Eli

AND
Diet Coke for me, of course :-P


"Mom, why do we eat celery with peanut butter?"
"MOM, this is really crunchy and tasty!" Those were his actual words...little goof!

So, we finished lunch and began our walk into the wooded area. Eli was talking my ear off the entire time about bugs, squirrels and birds. 



THIS is where it got good...he's walking with his back to me and suddenly stops, turns around and says

"Hey Mom, did you know that 7+5 is 12? And I know that 6+6 is 12, too! Did you know that 8+7 is 15? And know what else? 9+4 is 13!"

I tripped...literally. I was trying to take his picture while walking toward him as he was doing what I would say is "Preschool AP Math" in his head. And I tripped over a tree root. This is the picture I got when I fell!

Okay, so I picked myself up and asked him where he learned that. He said "Oh, I don't remember. Sometimes you help me do math but I think that stuff was just in my brain." Yeah...no kidding! I think I was still counting on my fingers at 4.5 years old! Good grief. But as soon as it began, it was over:

"Look Mom...it's an acorn!" Nope...black walnut. "Yeah, that's what I said, Mom...walnut." Sure ya did...



He was having a blast taking pictures of all sorts of things.


"MOM! Come on...keep up with me!" He took off walking super fast...almost lost him around the tree in the picture below on the right!




It was at the end of the trail that we noticed that many of the trees had signs on them for identification purposes. Eli was super excited by this and we had to walk the trail in reverse to look for trees with signs.

  

 
He wanted pictures of all the trees with leaves next to the signs but I was unable to reach leaves from the tall trees...sycamore, honey locust, etc. He seemed to understand :)

And finally, some misc. pictures:


  

Eli loves these toys. Anytime we go to a park with one of them, he says he "has to do his work" with these! :-)


All in all, we had a productive "field trip". Lunch time was for discussing healthy food (minus Mom's Diet Coke, of course!), there was some math class, some biology and botany, and of course, PE at the end! Productive schooling followed by nap time for a sleepy little guy!





Teagan Riley Clark