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Showing posts from January, 2010

It's been one month...

One month of so many to come. I miss you so much, Jonah Matthew...I hope you know just how much you are loved and missed. My heart aches, and my arms ache to hold you, just one more time. I love and miss you, my beautiful baby boy. Someday I know I will see you you again and the reunion will be so sweet! Until then, please grow and be beautiful in the Lord. I wish you were here but I know that God has another plan for you, my precious baby boy...

Jonah's Page

Tiny Angel

Tiny Angel, rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown

Cherish the moments...

-Cherish the Moment-

Read my book, rub my back
Mommy, listen to my prayer.
Let me sit, in your lap
Daddy, fly me through the air.
Throw a ball, make a snack
Can we go to the park?
Tuck me in, hold me close,
I'm afraid of the dark!

Cherish the moment, soon you'll be apart
Cling to the memory, clasp it to your heart;
Soon comes the day when you'll have no child to hold
So cherish, cherish the moment.

Sing a song, play a game
Swing me high in the air
Ride a bike, fly a kite
How I love the times we share!
Hold my hand, hug my neck
Daddy bounce me on your knee
Come and sit by my bed,
Mommy, rock me to sleep!

Cherish the moment, soon you'll be apart
Cling to the memory, clasp it to your heart;
Soon comes the day when you'll have no child to hold
So cherish, cherish the moment.

Think ahead, to a time
When your little ones are gone.
Hold them tight, don't lose sight
Of the blessings you have known.
Think ahead, to a time when your little boy's a man
And you'd give anything, just to hold him…

Square one, I guess

So I had my follow up appointment with the OB today, to make sure everything is healing physically and to get the results of my tests. So what did I learn? Nothing, really.

First, I had some sort of bacterial infection that was discovered during the D&C. Not sure what it was or whether it caused the preterm labor, but it was there. Second, this was probably NOT due to an incompetent cervix...I had symptoms of preterm labor (the contractions in the early morning) and those are not common with IC. Usually IC is discovered at a routine appointment and the woman doesn't feel any contractions because the dilation is gradual. Mine was not like that. The doctor said if he had to give me his best guess it would be this: "SOMETHING" caused my body to go into preterm labor. It could have been the infection, or the infection could have occurred after labor started. Cause is really unknown, but for some reason my body decided to start labor.

So good news? It's not an incompete…

No words

I was thinking about updating my blog today. No matter how deep I dig, I can't find words today. Have you ever felt something so intensely that you can't put your feelings about it into words? Well, that's what I'm experiencing today. And it sucks. I'm not much of a talker when it comes to feelings but I usually can write about it. But trying to put words to my feelings today is making my chest ache. So I'm just not going to try right now. Again, this sucks.

just thinking

Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
(author unknown)

Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the child that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that he is loved?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died too soon, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy tha…

My sweet Elijah

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I'm pretty much on an emotional roller coaster right now, which I suppose can be expected. It's so frustrating to me that one minute I feel fine, only to want to collapse into a sobbing mess and hide from the world the very next minute. And I feel bad that Elijah has to see me like this. I wish that while he is awake I could just pull it all together and be strong, for him. But it doesn't always work out like that.

Tonight, Elijah decided to eat dinner 3 times, with the third time occurring about 10 minutes before he was supposed to go to bed. I sat at the table with him while he ate Frosted Mini Wheats and he decided to get a little sassy and test my patience, declaring quite loudly that he would not be going to bed tonight...not until Daddy got home (which won't be until after 1am sometime). After just a few seconds, I decided that I wasn't going to argue any more and just put my face into my hands to compose myself as I felt the tears threatening. Here is the res…

Heartbroken

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"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"
Psalm 34:18


On Tuesday, December 29th, I woke up early having contractions, which I knew was not a good sign at almost 17 weeks pregnant. We went to the doctor for an ultrasound, and found that the baby was alive and healthy! However, I had started to dilate. We were sent to a perinatal specialist in the hopes that we could stop dilation and stitch the cervix closed. By the time we saw the doctor, I had dilated to 4cm and the bag of waters had begun to slip through my cervix...this unfortunately meant there was no way to stop what had started. We were devastated...our baby was still alive! We were told we had two choices : go to the hospital immediately for a D&E , or go home and wait for my body to start labor naturally. There was really no choice in my mind, nor in Adam's...the baby was alive and we would not use any medical procedure. The doctor understood, and told us to go home and…

Simplify it all

For those of you have followed my various blogs throughout the years (other blogger accounts, Xanga, etc.), I want to let you know that I am condensing them all HERE. This will be the only blog I keep. I came to realize keeping separate blogs about different areas of my life was just complicating things for me. After all, all these areas are parts of the big picture, so why not just keep it all together?