Monday, March 31, 2008

EDIT AT BOTTOM!

It's raining today. In fact, we've had two thunderstorms already...one very loud one that woke all of us up at about 3am, and another one at noon. Spring is in the air, right?

WHATEVER! It's 37 degrees outside! So not only is it raining and just kind of gloomy, it's cold too! And I'm feeling lied to. All of our "meteorologists" said it would be in the 50's today. Even Mark Baden lied to me. Unbelievable. See, I have this system at 10pm when the news comes on: I like to watch all four major networks to see what their forecast says. (yeah, I only do this now when Adam IS NOT home because he used to give me a hard time about it!) CBS, FOX, NBC and finally ABC. ABC's Mark Baden is usually very accurate, as is his colleague Lance Hill. (Bring back memories, Mom and Dad?) They were all so wrong. And I am not pleased. And you know what will happen tonight? THEY WILL LIE THEIR WAY OUT OF THEIR OH-SO-WRONG FORECAST...probably by saying some front moved the wrong way, or maybe the stars aligned incorrectly, or that a black cat ran over a bridge and caused instability in the atmosphere...and that, my friends, is the reason that we didn't even hit 40 degrees HA!

OK, I'm done. One a lighter note, Elijah has a well-baby check-up tomorrow morning. It's his 15 month check-up . Oops...yeah, he is 16 1/2 months old. I forgot. Anyway, I'm anxious to go tomorrow because I know he's had a growth spurt. I know for certain that he's put on at least 5 pounds since his 1st birthday (he got weighed when he went in for his rash) and I'm sure he's grown in height as well. Plus, I really like his new pediatrician. I really liked the doctor he had in Racine, too, but that's a long drive now that we moved. But his new doctor was very good with him when we went in for his rash. Elijah didn't like her...probably because she had all "scary" stuff like a stethoscope. But I think he'll be okay.

Well, that is all that's going on in my oh-so-exciting life. Hope you're all having a good Monday.

EDIT: Well, I opened my mouth a little soon. As of 8pm, it's 50 degrees outside! HA!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

shoes and haircuts

Elijah loves shoes...even shoes that aren't his own:

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And he loves chocolate...especially chocolate from Daddy:
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And pictures from his first haircut...it had to be done. The mullet was just unbearable for us!

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Friday, March 21, 2008

Just

I understand that things like this just happen...that something just wasn't right. I understand that most of the time, there is really no explanation to the question "why?". I know that we can (and will) try again. And I believe that God has a plan for all of us, and that sometimes the things that we want don't fit into that plan now, or even ever.

What I don't understand is why it has to hurt so much. Physical pain aside, my heart is very heavy, especially today. I went to bed last night feeling a little better, and a little less emotional. I think that is mostly due to having Adam home with me now. But this morning I woke up around 6am and couldn't seem to get comfortable in bed. I got up to take some medicine, and I watched the snow falling for a little while. I had tried to prepare myself for this but I don't think I knew what I'd be feeling today. I wasn't prepared for the emotional roller coaster. I wasn't prepared to feel so sad while watching snow fall, or to get really angry over a vacuum cleaner discussion with Adam. I didn't expect to feel completely empty one minute, and totally overwhelmed the next. I wasn't prepared to wage a mental war with myself, knowing completely that there is no reason to blame anyone, including myself, but still feeling so angry. I wasn't expecting to dream about it. I wasn't prepared to actually want to cry but not be able to. But the hardest thing for me has been closing my eyes to pray and not being able to find words. And then the best feeling comes to me...I remember that God already knows, and He doesn't need me to say anything. He knows what I'm feeling, and he knows what I need right now. I know where to go to find that, but I just haven't gotten there quite yet.

I want to say thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers for us. We love you all very much.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

sigh

It was about 2pm this afternoon when I realized that I was experiencing the beginning of the end. I was waiting for my aunt to get to my house to watch Elijah while I went to the doctor, and I was doing mindless tasks to keep myself busy. Suddenly there was excruciating pain. This wasn't just cramping; it was intense pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and I found it necessary to sit down on the couch and just focus on trying to breathe through the pain. I started to wonder if I was going to be able to drive myself to the doctor's office. I really didn't want to make Elijah sit through another long appointment, however, after the 4+ hour ordeal in the ER last night. Plus, he was still napping. So I just decided to drive in pain, which turned out to be much more difficult than I expected. And as I drove, I prayed. But my prayer was different. For weeks, I have prayed so hard that God would please protect our baby, and that everything would be okay. Today, I prayed that God would help me accept what was happening, because I really didn't want to. When I got to the doctor's office, I sat in my car for a moment, still not allowing myself to believe it completely. When I finally got out of my car, I noticed the pain getting worse, and it hasn't stopped since that time...about 2:55pm.

I heard the words, and although I knew it was true, I wanted to believe that the doctor was wrong. And I told him that. He smiled and told me that he wished he was wrong. I heard all the usual things: this isn't anything you did wrong, or anything that you didn't do; this is the body's way of ending something that isn't developing right; this happens, and it sucks. And then, I heard my doctor say some things I wasn't expecting. He took the next ten minutes to tell me that I needed to allow myself to grieve, and that I could be sad for as long as I wanted. He told me that once I was feeling physically better, I should get a babysitter for the evening and Adam and I should go on a date to reconnect. He strongly urged me to realize that although it will get better, it might get worse again when I remember it in the future. And then he gave me a hug. What an amazing doctor.

Adam is on the road right now...I feel terrible that he has to deal with this alone, in his truck. He feels terrible that he can't be here with me. I wish he was here as well. The good thing for me is that I have the amazing Elijah here with me, who is being so sweet and keeps coming over to give me hugs.

But I feel so empty. And I miss our baby. And right now it is tearing me apart to know that I won't get to carry this baby and feel him/her grow inside me. I'm struggling with crazy emotions and I hear things in my head right now that I know aren't healthy. I know this is all temporary...the emotions and the physical pain. Part of me just wants to scream out that this isn't fair.

I think once I can cry, I will feel a little better. But right now, I can't seem to find the tears.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Last night I spent 4 hours in the emergency room...my spotting turned into bleeding. They collected blood, did an ultrasound and a pelvic. And now I still don't know what's going on. According to the radiologist, they couldn't see anything in my uterus that would indicate a baby...but it could be too early to see anything clearly. They couldn't see anything growing in my tubes but again, it could be too early and the baby too small. The two positives (?) to the visit were that my cervix is still closed, which would indicate that there hasn't been a miscarriage, and my hCG levels were still high, indicating I am still pregnant. But where is the baby?

I have an appointment today at 3pm with my OB. He wants to see me today to check my hCG levels again and I'm assuming we'll do a repeat ultrasound. This is all so crazy to me...I just went to the doctor on Monday and everything was fine. About 36 hours later, I was in the ER. And as much as I believe that God has a plan for all of us, and that everything happens according to His plan, I want so much for this baby to be okay.

I just looked over my discharge papers from the hospital again this morning. They sent me home with three different sets of instructions: one for pregnancy, one for miscarriage, and one for an ectopic pregnancy. I can't stand not knowing what's going on! I know I'll probably know more this afternoon but the waiting is causing me to feel crazy.

Monday, March 17, 2008

appt #1

My first OB appointment was today. I am pleased with the OB that I chose...in fact, Adam and I are both VERY pleased. My first delivery ended up being a pretty big disappointment for both of us, and we were both so unhappy with the way we were treated at the hospital and how our wishes were pretty much ignored. Today we got to sit down with Dr. Leach in his office for about 20-30 minutes prior to my exam to talk to him about health history and my pregnancy with Elijah. As we relived my first delivery with the doctor, he at one point sort of chuckled and said "This all seems unreal to me...I'm waiting for you two to tell me you're joking!" I won't go into detail about the past because, quite honestly, it's over and done and I don't want bitterness to start in me again. But one of the first things I told my new OB is that I don't want another c-section unless it's totally necessary...such as he tells me the baby is in danger. He said that's fine...he totally supports my decision to try a VBAC. I also told him that I didn't really want to be induced this time, which he is also supportive of. He said it's better for VBAC patients to go into labor on their own because there's less of a chance of the old c-section scar tearing that way. He said unless I go past the 42 week mark, he won't induce unless it's completely medically necessary. He strongly urged us to write out a birth plan. I smiled and told him that I did have a birth plan with Elijah...Adam gave it to the nurse at the hospital who pretty much smirked and said "well, just remember delivery doesn't usually go the way you want it to" and put it into the back of my chart. Dr. Leach told us that if we take the time to write a birth plan, he wants us to bring it to an appointment so we can go over it together. As long as everything on the plan is medically safe, practical and reasonable, he said he will respect it. I believe his exact words were "If you want to give birth on your hands and knees, that's fine...we'll get the baby out!"

I'm so relieved. I was worried I might have to see several doctors before Adam and I found one that we both liked and who was willing to at least let me try for a natural birth. But I have a tremendous peace about this...I feel like God pointed me in the right direction for this one. Not to say it was easy...I sat at the computer with my insurance paperwork and researched doctors for about 3 weeks! I made lists and watched video introductions that these doctors provided. I narrowed down my choices to about 4, and Dr. Leach was #1. The good thing is that this time around, I knew the questions to ask and Adam and I both know that if we're not happy with something, we just have to say something. If I had known when I was pregnant with Elijah that I could have switched OB's halfway through, there is a pretty good chance I would have. But that's water under the bridge now...

Anyway, that's my new doctor in a nutshell. He's awesome...I'm feeling good about it. I had all my lab work done this morning as well...all those vials of blood they steal from you! Dr. Leach does an ultrasound at about 10 weeks and then between 18-22 weeks. He likes to do the early ultrasound because he said that getting fetal measurements earlier provides a more accurate due date. If you wait until 18-22 weeks, there is a margin of +/- 2 weeks. At 10 weeks, there is only a margin of +/- 1 week. He said this will be particularly beneficial for me, so that we don't jump the gun on that 42 week mark for an induction. So, I'm waiting on the lab to call me to set up that first ultrasound...it will be after April 1st but before April 10th.

So that's it for now...hope everyone has a good week!

Teagan Riley Clark