I understand that things like this just happen...that something just wasn't right. I understand that most of the time, there is really no explanation to the question "why?". I know that we can (and will) try again. And I believe that God has a plan for all of us, and that sometimes the things that we want don't fit into that plan now, or even ever.

What I don't understand is why it has to hurt so much. Physical pain aside, my heart is very heavy, especially today. I went to bed last night feeling a little better, and a little less emotional. I think that is mostly due to having Adam home with me now. But this morning I woke up around 6am and couldn't seem to get comfortable in bed. I got up to take some medicine, and I watched the snow falling for a little while. I had tried to prepare myself for this but I don't think I knew what I'd be feeling today. I wasn't prepared for the emotional roller coaster. I wasn't prepared to feel so sad while watching snow fall, or to get really angry over a vacuum cleaner discussion with Adam. I didn't expect to feel completely empty one minute, and totally overwhelmed the next. I wasn't prepared to wage a mental war with myself, knowing completely that there is no reason to blame anyone, including myself, but still feeling so angry. I wasn't expecting to dream about it. I wasn't prepared to actually want to cry but not be able to. But the hardest thing for me has been closing my eyes to pray and not being able to find words. And then the best feeling comes to me...I remember that God already knows, and He doesn't need me to say anything. He knows what I'm feeling, and he knows what I need right now. I know where to go to find that, but I just haven't gotten there quite yet.

I want to say thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers for us. We love you all very much.


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