Thursday, December 30, 2010

God loves me :)


Today, while driving around doing errands, I heard a song that really put some things into perspective for me. I cried for a moment in the Target parking lot, but it was okay today...even through the hurt, I know that my God loves me. Sometimes it's very easy to forget that God loves us when things are bad because we just feel crappy. But today, while just driving alone with my own thoughts to keep me company, I felt that love and presence so much...and I was so thankful. I know things aren't going to magically be "all better" tomorrow, or even next year. But my God loves me and for me, that is enough to get me through each day.

**MORE** - Matthew West

Take a look at the mountain
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to me
And I want you to know
I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Happy Birthday, Jonah

I can't even really start to express just how much I've been dreading today. I just knew that it would be hard, and I knew that I didn't know what to expect. I didn't expect everything to start unraveling last night, but it did. I didn't expect to wake up at 5am this morning and not be able to fall back asleep (*that* happened last year, too...). but I did. Elijah and I already had plans for today. I had asked Eli a few weeks ago what he thought his baby brother would want for his birthday, and Eli said (without much thought!) that Jonah would want cookies and balloons. Well, I hope Oreos are okay because baking did NOT happen today! Balloons, however, did. Eli and I sat down late this morning and made a special card:

Eli wanted to sign his name, and Dad's as well. He picked each sticker by himself. He thought the smiley faces would make Jonah happy. And he thought Jonah would like the octopus because it was green, and the hippo because it was "fat and blue". Then he decided to write "love" and draw some circles and triangles. Then we headed to florist for some helium balloons:




Eli decided that Jonah's favorite colors were blue and green (like his own!) and I made sure we got a blue balloon for Eli as well. Then we headed to the park:
After I took the pictures, I asked Eli is he was ready to let the balloons go outside. He got a little anxious and accidentally let them go inside that little shelter...and they got stuck at the top!

First I tried to move the picnic table, which was frozen to the ground. Well, I wasn't giving up...I yanked at it until it moved!
Then I climbed up to rescue the balloons. I could grab the green one by the string but the blue one had a string that was just a little too short. The blue one...with the special note attached. I tried jumping but it was just out of my reach. I tried to smack it with the green balloon...didn't work. I tried to wrap the green balloon string around the blue balloon string and yank it down. Nothing was working, and by that time the tears had started. I kept reminding myself that it wasn't about the balloon...but I WANTED THAT BALLOON. And as I cried a little and prayed that the balloon would just come down, the wind blew and the balloon came a little lower. I still had to do the "wrap and yank" method but finally, I had two balloon strings in my hand. Thank you, God...really...thank you. So we tried again, and THIS time I told Eli to hold tight until we were outside!

It was a good balloon launch. It was a pretty foggy day but we watched the balloons until we couldn't see them anymore. I asked Elijah on the walk back to the car how long he thought it would take the balloons to get to heaven and he said "um, probably like 5 minutes". Eli asked if he could take a picture for Jonah:
He thought Jonah would like the little Christmas tree :-)

Misc. Elijah:
He's getting so big. Sometimes it really catches me off guard! His hat is awesome, don't you think?

The name Jonah means "dove", which really played a role in my part of the decision in naming our little boy. This past February I noticed we have two mourning doves that hang out in the tree in front of our house. Coincidence, perhaps...to a grieving mommy, it's nothing short of a miracle direct from God. When we moved into this half of the house in July, I anxiously waited to see if I would see the pair. I can only see them if I'm at the window in Elijah's room, or the window in our spare bedroom. During the summer and autumn, sometimes I'd wake up early with the sunrise and sneak into the spare room to watch for the pair. Some days I saw them, some days I didn't. I wished so much that I could see them all day, every day. As of Christmas Eve, I have a dove in my window permanently:
Today was so dreary and gloomy, but I'm anxious for some sunlight to come through that dove. Right now he's hanging out in our dining room window, so he will hopefully catch the afternoon sun through that bare tree in our backyard. I think in the spring and summer, I might move him to the living room so he can see the morning sun, too. A little research provided the following information about the symbolism of a dove:

Symbolism of Mourning Doves

By virtue of their melancholy call, Mourning Doves have been fittingly named as such. Their distinctive “wooo-oo-oo-oo” sounds may evoke a feeling of grief over the loss of a dearly beloved. But far from representing death, the symbolism of Mourning Doves is actually more optimistic and spiritual. Beyond their sorrowful song is a message of life, hope, renewal and peace.
Among all the birds, the Mourning Dove prides itself as the celebrated bird – gracing sacred scripture (The Holy Bible under the Christian Faith) and appearing as a recurring icon in our lives. What does the Mourning Dove symbolize? Below are the traditional and primary concepts it epitomizes:
  • A symbol of the Holy Spirit
The Holy Spirit, one of the figures of the Holy Trinity (The Christian Doctrine advancing the belief that God exists in 3 persons: Father, Son and Spirit) is depicted as a dove in the baptism of Jesus. According to the Bible, when Jesus emerged from the water, a dove from heaven descended upon him. Baptism is a Christian Sacrament of spiritual rebirth by which we our “cleansed” of our “original sin,” and the Holy Spirit places us in permanent union in Christ, and makes us a formal member of the Christian Community.
  • A symbol of Hope
In the Noah’s Ark story, God decided to create a big flood to wipe out all the people on earth, except for Noah and his family. After forty days and forty nights, Noah released a raven to look for dry land. When the raven returned without success, a dove was then released. The dove, thereafter, flew back triumphantly with an olive leaf. Noah was pleased. It brought reassurance that trees were growing on dry land – a certain sign of life! The dove stood, therefore for new beginnings, great expectations and deliverance.
  • A symbol of Peace
Although it is a white dove that typically represents peace and safety, Mourning Doves may also represent the same. The states of Wisconsin and Michigan regard the Mourning Dove as their official state symbol of peace. Pablo Picasso, the famous Spanish artist, when commissioned to design the logo for the World Peace Congress in 1949, drew a dove entitled “Dove of Peace-Blue.” It is because of their simple and maternal nature that doves have become a symbol of solidarity and concord among nations.

My day is pretty close to done. It's almost 8pm which means soon, Elijah will be in bed. Adam is working tonight and honestly, I think the quiet will feel a bit lonely. Tomorrow will be a new day, and although I know the hurt won't be completely gone, I know that I'll be able to remember today as "okay". It wasn't easy, but it wasn't terrible. I allowed myself to cry, which I don't do every day. I'm ready for the hurt to be gone, but I'm pretty certain that won't be anytime soon. I don't know when I'll be able to actually see and hold my baby Jonah again, or if he'll even be a baby when I do, but I do know that I'm one day closer.


"I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone, how can I carry on

if I can't find You?

and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away."

Psalm 121: 1-2
I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth"

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My storm...

I don't know...I really didn't expect to fall apart like this until tomorrow but I really don't know that I can make it through RIGHT NOW, much less tomorrow...


Praise You in This Storm --Casting Crowns--

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth


Remember Me --Mark Schultz--

Remember me
In a Bible cracked and faded by the years
Remember me
In a santuary filled with silent prayers

And age to age
And heart to heart
Bound by grace and peace
Child of wonder, Child of God
I'll remember you
Remember Me

Remember me
When the color of the sunset fills the sky
Remember me
When you pray and the tears of joy
fall from your eyes

Remember me
When the children leave
their Sunday school with smiles
Remember me
When they're old enough to teach
Old enough to preach
Old enough to leave

Age to age and heart to heart
Child of wonder child of God



Held--Natalie Grant--

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I feel like a hypocrite...

I am having a very hard time right now. I spent the past 12 days focusing on all of the positive things that I have gained this year, positive and happy things despite the sad things. I truly believe the things I said but...

I feel hypocritical. It started Christmas Eve. It started with an innocent shirt on a child...a shirt that said "My first Christmas". And suddenly my world stated to fall apart at the seams a little. I swallowed most of the hurt and grief and just tried to go on but it seemed that the harder I tried, the more it hurt. I really tried to focus once again on the "happy things", but they seemed so trivial. I reminded myself that my special Jonah got to spend his first Christmas with Jesus, and selfishness took over and I felt a twinge of anger and sadness because I wanted him HERE. I scolded myself on Christmas morning and reminded myself to be happy for the things I DO have here...my family, my friends, my husband, my Elijah, my cats, my life, my God. I tried all day on Christmas to remember the positive...

but I just don't want to be positive right now.




Saturday, December 25, 2010

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 12

On another blog I follow, the writer challenged those of us who have lost children to spend "the 12 days of Christmas" thinking about the gifts, tangible or non-tangible, that we have been "left" by our child's short life. There aren't many tangible things that we have from Jonah (although there are a few), but because of that, I've been almost forced to focus more on what isn't seen with my eyes or held in my hands. I'm taking this "challenge" because this month is really hard, harder than I'll admit to anyone (myself included). I need something. I'm not sure I'll be able to follow the "12 days format" of having the exact number of something for each day (12 things on day 12, for instance) but we'll see. What a year 2010 has been!

**Day 12 (12/25): 12...twelve amazing Tuesdays. Every third Tuesday of each month, I spend about 2 hours with some of the most amazing women I have ever met. It is a time for laughter, tears, joy, heartache, questions, advice, memories, hope and love. On these Tuesdays I get to meet with other mommies like me...mommies who have children in heaven waiting for them. Women who have other children, and some who don't yet. Women who know that sometimes it takes all of my strength just to get out of bed. They understand that some days it hurts so much, I don't know if I can go on. They understand that sometimes, I can smile and be happy that my children are already with Jesus, safe from all harm. They nod in understanding when I express frustration because I can't know all the "why's". They know just what it feels like to miss someone that was only here for a brief moment in time. They are there to gently remind me that it's okay to hurt, it's okay to not hurt...it's quite all right to just be confused! They are all such amazing, Godly women and I don't know if they realize the profound effect they have had in my life. I spent 2010 striving to become a stronger woman of God and I truly believe they have helped me stay on that path and make some advances in that direction.

Some of these women lost their children years ago, and honestly, at first that was very hard for me. It was hard for me to realize and accept that 4-5 years from now, I will still miss my babies so much that I don't want to get out of bed. But they have shared ideas and ways that they have celebrated their child's lives, no matter how brief it was here on earth; it helped me to have that same desire.

Friday, December 24, 2010

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 11

**Day 11 (12/24): 11...Hebrews chapter eleven. The entire chapter talks about what faith can do, and what it actually DID for some people. Verse one says: "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see," and Verse six says: "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

This entire year has been a true walk of faith for me. I can't say it's been easy. But God and I had several long chats during which I expressed my desire to live a life of faith, not just hope. I won't lie...I hope we have more kids! But I have faith that whatever happens, it's truly part of God's plan for me. I can't say that I always like to admit that I'm not in control of things but slowly, it's becoming easier for me to just allow God to have that control of me. My life here is temporary...my true home is in heaven someday. But what I do here is important, and I want my life to be a true representation of God. I have come to understand that life isn't always easy for the faithful believer, but I can't imagine living my life any other way. I put my faith in God a long time ago, and daily I recommit to Him in faith. For me, it's the only way.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 10

**Day 10 (12/23): 10...ten inches squared. When the nurses in the hospital brought Jonah into my room for us, he was wrapped in a tiny blue blanket that measured 10in x 10in. 10 square inches of blue, fuzzy blanket for a tiny baby. I keep it in Jonah's memory box for the most part, but some times I take it out to hold it for just a moment or two. Sometimes I wish that it smelled like a "real" baby blanket, but if I close my eyes, sometimes I can imagine that new baby smell. I wonder if babies have that new baby smell in Heaven?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 9

**Day 9 (12/22): 9...nine angel baby friends. There are times in this journey when, even with others around me, I feel very lonely. I wonder if Jonah even thinks about me, or if he asks Jesus about his family here...or if he ever talks to his brothers and/or sisters up there about their family on earth. It's impossible for me to imagine what his life is like there, but I know that it must be wonderful, which gives me some peace. But the mother in me wonders if he's okay, and if his brothers and/or sisters are okay...and sometimes I imagine them with their friends. There are 9 other "angel babies" that come to mind when I imagine my children's friends in Heaven. They are babies of women I have met during this journey...women who feel so many of the same things that I feel and understand how crazy everything can feel at times. It's an odd sort of comforting feeling that I get when I think of our children running around in Heaven...it makes me smile away tears sometimes.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 8

**Day 8 (12/21): 8...eight little letters --> ILOVEYOU. I say it more often and I think about the people I love more often. Life is fragile, and it can be gone in a mere heartbeat. It's become more important to me this year especially to make sure the ones I love know just how much they mean to me.

Monday, December 20, 2010

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 7

**Day 7 (12/20): 7...Seven special days. What makes them really special to me is I get seven special days every week for the rest of my earthly life. It seems so simple, but I don't think I really relished every day in the past, at least not like I did this year. This year, every day was amazing in some way. Some days were terrible, some days were great; some days were too cold for my liking, others too hot; some days my Elijah was just a handful of preschool madness and craziness, others he was so well-behaved I began to wonder if he was the same kid! Some days we ate frozen pizza for dinner, some days I managed an awesome pot roast with mashed potatoes and some amazing lemon-garlic green beans. Some days I felt on top of the world, while other days I thought I couldn't crawl out of the hole that I seemed to be hiding in. But looking back, I was given 7 days every week to be alive. I am given 7 days a week to fulfill my purpose here on earth...what am I doing with those days? This year, I spent those days learning to keep faith in my Father, hope in the future He has planned for me, and remembering that my life here should be reflecting His love. My angel babies never got one day here on Earth, and I get 7 every week...7 special days every week to live walking in faith until I see my entire heavenly family someday.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 6

**Day 6 (12/19): 6...Six words from a favorite hymn: STANDING ON THE PROMISES OF GOD. I remember singing this song especially as a child, and I remember how the words and melody were simple enough that our rather small Baptist congregation would belt it out at the top of our lungs. A simple message...we can trust our God, because HE follows through on his promises to us. And I will continue to rest in MY savior as my "all in all".

Standing on the promises of Christ my King!
Through eternal ages let his praises ring!
Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing!
Standing on the promises of God.

(Refrain:)
Standing, standing,
standing on the promises of Christ my Savior!
Standing, standing...
I'm standing on the promises of God!

Standing on the promises that cannot fail,
when the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,
by the living Word of God I shall prevail,
standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises I now can see,
perfect, present cleansing in the blood for me,
standing in the liberty where Christ makes free,
standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord,
bound to him eternally by love's strong cord,
overcoming daily with the Spirit's sword,
standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises I cannot fall,
listening every moment to the Spirit's call,
resting in my Savior as my all in all,
standing on the promises of God.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 5

**Day 5 (12/18): 5...Five basic senses, now stronger and enhanced. Everything I experience is on a new level now. I find that I see beauty in things that at one time were ordinary. I have always loved music and it's been a huge part of my life, but I listen to words and melodies differently now. I find myself smelling everyone's clean clothes because I can smell my husband and son's unique "smell" on them...I hope that doesn't sound too crazy! I cherish every touch from everyone, and I've NEVER been a hugger. I always have shied away from physical touch because it made me uncomfortable. Now, I especially look forward to my son and husband hugging me. I feel safer. Finally, taste. Well, I have learned to enjoy food more this year but that COULD be because I started running competitively and I'm just hungrier! However, I wouldn't have started racing when I did if I'd still been pregnant at the beginning of 2010, so I think it qualifies as a gift :)

Friday, December 17, 2010

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 4

**Day 4 (12/17): 4...Four letter words. Stick with me for a minute, I promise they are positive words! I have a different view of some four letter words in my life now.

HEAL...I thought it would just happen. I thought it would be an end point. But it's not...the heal part of losing a child is a process, and it's continual.

LIFE...my babies each had a life. They were short lives, but it was a life nonetheless. It is such a struggle but I want in MY own life to celebrate their lives. I don't want people to be afraid to talk to me about my children in Heaven. It's very hard, sometimes, because the pain of grief makes it easier to focus on losing them. But each of them had their HUMAN life, and now they each are living their heavenly life. Someday I, too, will join them. Until then, I know they are in good hands!

HOPE...some days, it feels like I have none. But I do. I hope for many things...another child to hold here on earth, a sibling that my son can play with, a heart that always trusts that there IS hope. I hope that I will meet my heavenly babies soon but I know it could be a long time. I hope that I can practice patience and focus on what God wants me to do here. I hope that my life is a reflection of my heavenly Father. I hope that He looks at me and says "Well done".

LOVE...God is love. He doesn't do things in any other manner. He didn't take my children because I did something wrong, or because I'm not a good mother, or because I'm screwing up the child I have here (yes, I did think that for a while!). He didn't take them to Heaven because he hates me, and I'm not being punished. Whatever the reason, it was done in Love...the perfect love that ONLY God can give. That perfect Love that is enough for me. I have found myself leaning more on God's love this year, and I'm finding myself closer to Him than I have ever been.

Huh...it wasn't intentional but there are 4, four letter words. :-)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 3

**Day 3 (12/16): 3...Three angel babies. It is the number of children Adam and I have in heaven, and the number of siblings Eli has. When we lost Jonah last December, the other losses came back to me. It wasn't that I didn't think of them prior to this but very suddenly I thought of them more frequently. So many "what ifs" and "whys" really haunted me for months. Slowly I've been able to think about them all without feeling completely unstable.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 2

**Day 2 (12/15): 2...Two tiny hand prints and two tiny footprints. The hospital was so wonderful to us and took footprints, hand prints and even photos. Those prints are so precious, because I remember holding a tiny, 6 inch long and 3oz baby and marveling at how perfect everything was. I remember counting fingers and toes...and there were 10 of each. Amazing. I commented to our pastor when he came to visit that Jonah was perfect...just born too soon and everything was just too small. Sometimes it's hard to comprehend how something so small can leave such a big empty place in your heart and soul when it's not here.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 1

On another blog I follow, the writer challenged those of us who have lost children to spend "the 12 days of Christmas" thinking about the gifts, tangible or non-tangible, that we have been "left" by our child's short life. There aren't many tangible things that we have from Jonah (although there are a few), but because of that, I've been almost forced to focus more on what isn't seen with my eyes or held in my hands. I'm taking this "challenge" because this month is really hard, harder than I'll admit to anyone (myself included). I need something. I'm not sure I'll be able to follow the "12 days format" of having the exact number of something for each day (12 things on day 12, for instance) but we'll see. What a year 2010 has been!

**Day 1 (12/14): 1...One big brother who cherishes the memory of his baby brother that he'll only get to meet in Heaven someday. Elijah plays with his toy nativity set and calls baby Jesus "baby Jonah". If I correct him, he just tells me that it's "baby Jonah". Elijah accepts the fact that Jonah isn't here, and tells me that someday he'll play with him in Heaven. My 4 year old reminds me that sometimes it's easier to accept, remember, and look to the future instead of questioning the "whys" and "hows" of what has already happened.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

June 23rd, 2010

June 23rd, 2010.

Today was Jonah's due date. Today should have been a day of anticipation, excitement, relief, rejoicing, happiness or any other number of positive emotions.

Instead, it's a day I've been dreading since my birthday. I woke up the morning of my birthday and the very first thing that came to mind was "Today, I would have been 37 weeks pregnant. 37 weeks...that magic number when usually everything is 'green light' for delivery." Happy birthday? huh...

So for the past 20 days, I've dreaded the next day...knowing that my "due date" was coming, and wondering just what the day would be like. I'm sure the whole day won't be as bad as the days that have led up to it. I pray that the whole day won't be as bad as the days that led up to it.

I did a pretty good job convincing myself for the past 6 months that things are "OKAY"...that I'm healing and just moving along like I should. But June 2nd shook things up. That's the crappy thing about grief...you might be okay one day and pretty "not okay" the next. Maybe I just couldn't fully deal with everything until now, or maybe I just didn't want to. I don't know if I want to now. I don't know. All I know is that I think it really sucks that Jonah has 2 days...his due date and his birthday, and that neither day puts him here on earth with us. Neither of his days can be greeted with hugs and kisses and birthday cake and balloons. Instead, both days leave me with a bad taste in my mouth, and an empty place in my heart, arms and life.

I have one plan for today, and that is to just to get through until bedtime. After all, tomorrow is June 24th, and although it won't erase all the feelings, it's a day with no real emotional connection to it.

huh...what else can I say really...?

Dear God, if You're listening (and I know you are), give my little boy a hug and kiss for me. Thank you.

Friday, April 16, 2010

My first half marathon...and the weeks before!

I really wanted to get this down while it was all still fresh in my mind. After all, this is HUGE for me. This is the longest distance I have ever raced...and just to think that I competed in a 13.1 mile race still blows my mind! So let's start at the beginning...when I decided to actually do this thing!

It was March 1st when I actually decided that this was "for real". I had been tossing the idea around for over a year, to be honest. In early 2009, I decided I was going to run in the Dam to Dam in Des Moines. I started training, but my heart wasn't in it 100%. In early April, I started to feel run down, tired and just like all of my training runs sucked. I look back at my training log and it's easy to see why. I was running every day. I was keeping a food journal and my caloric intake was less than adequate. I was still running because I was focusing SO hard on losing weight. I liked running but I hadn't really found "LOVE IT" yet. In early May, I found that I was experiencing lower leg pain with every run...in my shin, like shin splints but MUCH worse. It really made me lose faith in what I was doing. I won't lie...when I started running again in early 2008, the MAIN reason was to lose weight. I remembered how much I loved running in high school and college, but my main reason was to lose weight. In late June, I threw my back out (again!). What a wake up call that was for me! I had to take over a week off from running because we were moving in July...and it HURT so much to walk, much less run! I thought a lot during that time, and made some decisions about my running.

When I started running again, it was with a purpose. I wasn't JUST running to lose weight...I was running because I wanted to get better at it. I still had my treadmill in my basement and 5 days a week when Elijah was napping, you'd find me in our basement running. 3 days a week I was doing strength training...and 3 days a week I was focusing on core exercises. I started to feel better. I wasn't really losing significant weight, but I felt better...I felt stronger. And that's what the summer of 2009 was for me...getting stronger. By early September, I loved running again. I didn't see it as "Oh, Eli's napping...time to run again!"; it was more "Hurry up and fall asleep...I WANT to run!" It was great! I started to plan for a half marathon in Des Moines in October...still not really sure what the heck I was doing :-) By late September, I was exhausted again. There was another reason for it this time. I put the half marathon on hold again.

October 12th, 2009...a turning point for me physically and emotionally. Around 7pm this night we found out we were pregnant again. I decided I was definitely going to stay active this pregnancy, and I was NOT going to gain 60 pounds under ANY circumstances...well, unless I was having triplets or something! The first few weeks were great...I was able to run with no problems. Then, mid November, I started to have nausea until about 4pm every day. I was still able to run, but my mileage was decreasing rapidly. It was OK by me...I was still running, after all.

Mid December, I threw my back out...AGAIN! The 2nd time in a year! I remember laying on the couch thinking about how much I wanted to run. I remember telling myself to be patient. And then there was losing Jonah...

I can't believe how even now this is so hard. There are definitely more good days than bad now, but sometimes it is so hard to think about it. There are still moments when I think "oh yeah, I'd be like 30 weeks pregnant right now...this sucks." And it does suck. Enough said.

So anyway, around January 4th, I decided to go running again. We had a membership to a gym now, thanks to Adam's job. I had worn the belt out on my treadmill, so this was a wonderful thing for me. Plus, I got to take Elijah with me, so I didn't have to wait until nap time. My first few runs were weak...and my heart wasn't in it at all. That's when I reevaluated everything again. I wanted to be healthy...for ME, for ME AND ADAM, and for our family. I started running 4 days a week, biking 2. I felt great. And I started to feel like maybe things would be OK again.

On March 1st, I decided I was going to train for a half marathon. That week, I found out there was a race in Mount Pleasant, WI, on April 10th. I asked Adam if he was OK with the idea of me running in that race. He said absolutely (love my husband...he's always SO supportive of me!!!). I went online and found Hal Higdon's half marathon training programs...took a little of the beginner program and a little of the intermediate program and mixed them together for a 6 week program...after all, that was all the time I had!

And that 6 weeks was amazing for me. I lost over 10lbs...and not by focusing on losing weight. I think it was because I added the "long run" to my training. 6 long runs of 8 miles or more can really do something for you! I started to really have faith in myself again. I started to really WANT to accomplish something...my first half marathon. I reevaluated my goals again...a little closer to race day.

I decided I wanted to finish under 2 hours and 20 minutes...a 10:41 mile. I figured this would allow me time to walk through the water stations, and walk if I tired out early. I really thought I'd finish between 2:15 and 2:20. I focused on getting stronger and making sure I got my mileage in every week. When it got nicer outside, I noticed something strange...I was running FASTER outside than on the treadmill! I decided not to focus too much on that, and to remember why I was running this race (keep that idea in mind...I'll refer to it later!).

Fast forward to the week of April 4th...this was my taper week. I was scheduled to do 3, 3-mile easy runs on Mon, Tues and Wed. These were awful. I felt like I was slacking...I felt lazy! I felt like I should be doing intervals, or at least a long run. Ugh! But I remembered that I wanted "fresh" legs the day of the race. We left for Wisconsin on Thursday, April 8th...drove all day and got into town after 10pm. Elijah went to sleep after 1am that morning. I started to doubt myself. I didn't get a good night of sleep and I was worried it would affect my race. The following night, Elijah went to bed after 10pm and didn't fall asleep until after midnight...I really was starting to wonder if I'd made the right choice. When my alarm went off at 5:15 am the following morning, I cursed the half marathon! I got up, showered, and ate my bagel with peanut butter.

We left to go to Racine at 6:30am...Elijah was NOT a happy 3 year old (understandably!). We got to Racine a little after 7am, realizing we'd forgot our camera, and our toddler was cranky. I decided to let Adam and Eli go for breakfast and I would do my warm up, etc. I got in line for the "port-o-potties"...and talked with some other runners. Then I ran about a half a mile easy, ran some strides and swallowed some Clif Shots energy gels (yuck...ewww on a morning stomach!!) Then the announcer told us to line up for the start.

I started to get really nervous. Started to question my training. Started to wonder if I should turn around and run the opposite direction. Then I heard the gun...there was no turning back now!

Mile 1...I looked at my watch and realized I'd run my first mile in 9:10...faster than my goal time. I decided to just relax and focus on "relaxed running". There was a guy and girl who were in front of me who I felt were keeping me at a good pace...decided to keep pace with them.

Mile 2...9:25...there was a water station shortly after 2 miles. Then I saw Eli and Adam cheering me on. I felt better. I felt like I was running well. The guy and girl in front of me invited me to run with them. This was something new for me...I don't normally run with people, but they were good pacers for me. I joined them...Emily and Gary. Gary was a marathoner. Emily was running her first half, like me, and Gary was her trainer and pacer. We started to talk...and talk. We talked about a lot of stuff! I guess a running partner wouldn't be so bad once in a while.

Mile 4 water station...I got elbowed very roughly by a lady in a crazy floral running shirt with over-processed hair (think frizzy orange :-P ). I apologized for being in her way but she just shot me a nasty glare and kept running without getting water. Crazy runners...glad we're not ALL like that!

Around Mile 6 I passed Adam and Eli again...ahhhhh,....love my boys! I don't have any mile times after mile 2 because my watch doesn't do splits...and I couldn't focus on running and subtraction at the same time. I really need to get a new watch.

Mile 8...OMG...Gary and Emily got me through miles 3 through 8! Those are some of my toughest miles in training. Mile 7 was a killer...the end was uphill, into the wind...it was really tough! I fought through it to the Mile 8 water station...and waited for my "team". Emily and Gary caught up, told me that Emily needed to walk for a bit, and told me to keep going...I "reluctantly" did...I felt like I should stay with them since they invited me to be part of the group but went on alone at their insistence.

Mile 10...passed Adam and Eli again. Got some water. Realized I was running under 10 minute miles. Felt REALLY good. And then I passed the frizzy orange lady in the floral shirt. Karma? If you believe in it, sure...I'm just pretty sure I rock!

Mile 11....this one sucked. I passed the 11 mile marker and everything started to hurt. My hips hurt, my knees hurt....my ankles hurt, my head hurt...I was pretty convinced that everything hurt. And then, I realized something. I said to myself "Sandy, really? You have 2 miles left...suck it up and RUN!"

And I did! I passed the 12 mile marker and felt a surge of energy. I sped up and decided to pick off runners....last mile, last chance! I overtook 13 runners in the last mile. (13 runners in Mile 13...13 is indeed my lucky number!) I saw the Mile 13 marker and felt even better...checked my watch and realized I'd run my last real mile in under 9 minutes (like 8:40-ish...again, just some rough subtraction). I saw a lady at the 13 mile marker who said "this is it, just go around the bend and you're done...finish strong!" and I sped up to finish my race...I was feeling GREAT!

When I rounded the curve to the finish, I saw 2:06 on the timer....I ran hard and finished in 2:06:33...about a 9:40 mile...20 seconds PER MILE faster than I'd hoped for, and about a minute per mile faster than I expected. I wanted to cry and yell all at the same time!

Then my legs started to cramp up. OH MY GOD. Nothing helped...not water, not Gatorade, not walking. Nothing. I stood at the finish line to cheer on Emily and Gary (remember them???) and then felt like dying. I felt better for a brief moment when I saw the orange, frizzy lady in the floral shirt come across the finish line...roughly 8 minutes after me :-) But my calves were KILLING me, and I really just wanted to SIT. I chose not to hang around for the post race festivities because I really just wanted to shower and get off my feet. Finally, we got into our car to go back to my cousin's house...my new half marathon medal in hand.

So POST race...in the car on the way home, I started to talk to Adam: I did this half marathon for ME. There is no doubt in my mind of that...I wanted to do it, and I did. But I decided 6 weeks ago that if I needed that extra push, I was doing it for Jonah, too...for our little baby boy who never got to live with us here. So on the morning of April 10th, I put Jonah Matthew Clark's initials on my bib (JMC) [look on the right side of the #1] :


This race was as much for him as it was for me. And I'm glad I did it for both of us. It's sort of like closure in a weird sort of way...I can never forget but I feel a little better about moving on now. It feels more like moving on with him, and I think it hurts much less this way.


SO that is my first half marathon experience! What a rush! Here's my medal :



I wish I'd worn it around Racine, WI all day!

Oh yeah...here's how I stacked up against the field:

Age group: 20 out of 43 (top 46.5%)
Women: 64 out of 189 (top 33.9%)
Overall: 166 out of 348 (top 47.7%)

Finished in the top half in everything...WAY cool!

So where does this leave me now? I want to do another....I want to get it under 2 hours! I really believe I can. I'm starting a new training program tomorrow that is going to hopefully help me shave off those minutes. I'm going to run in Council Bluffs, IA (same series, different race!) at the end of May...and I want to have another baby. Crazy!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

tonight...

Tonight is really tough...

I don't know why, exactly. All I know is that tonight I am having a very tough time. Tonight it just hurts again...a lot.

I think maybe I'll just go to bed now.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Faith - part 2

One of the most difficult parts of losing Jonah this past December has been how disconnected and distant I’ve felt from God. At a time in my life when I feel I need Him the most, I often feel like I did many years ago when I was finishing up college and going through absolute turmoil in my life…alone and without the answers that I wanted so much. The difference this time is I remember what it felt like to turn away from God and try to live my life MY way. I remember how lost I was, and how difficult those 5 years were. And I decided in early January that although I felt like God was so far away, I would never turn my back again. Even when I felt like I was calling out to Him and being ignored, I was going to remember His promise to never leave me. I believe there is a reason that we’ve experienced this so many times and I may never know that reason while I’m here on earth…but that’s okay. I wanted so much to believe that I was right for keeping faith in the unknown. And now, not quite 3 months later, I’ve finally started to feel God’s presence more.

At church one Sunday I knew from the moment I stepped through the doors that I had been brought there that day for a reason. We had almost skipped church that Sunday because it was absolute CHAOS in the Clark house that morning...Elijah woke up late, I woke up late. Elijah didn't want to eat breakfast or wear underwear. I began to think maybe it was a good day to just stay home. But we pushed through the craziness and went to church. I felt extremely anxious the entire morning, and I figured I was just having trouble relaxing from the morning. But I was having trouble not crying all morning...we would sing and I would become so overcome with emotions that I couldn't harness that morning. It was driving me crazy. More than once, I thought about just going home, but I stayed. The pastor started his message by saying the following:

"Nothing is as confusing to us...nothing is as disorienting to us as when our life suddenly takes a very difficult turn. When our life suddenly just takes a sharp, difficult turn in the other direction and we're facing something that is really, really tough. Like when something that has been good, is now bad. Or when something that has been precious to you, something that you've protected and you've kept safe...something really important to you is now vulnerable or in danger or it seems to be slipping away."


I started to feel a bit overwhelmed...okay, a LOT overwhelmed. When he continued by giving examples and said “…maybe it’s that routine doctor visit where the doctor says something could be wrong with your baby...”, I seriously thought about getting up and leaving, and I looked around to see if I could leave unnoticed (which, strangely enough, I couldn't...I was pretty close to the front that Sunday!). I remember praying at that moment and saying “Really, God? I can’t hear this today. I’m just not ready!” And suddenly I felt like I'd been shushed. Seriously, it was as if God quieted my anxiety for a moment and told me to listen. If you've ever been "shushed" by God, it's an interesting experience! I was sad, so hurt, anxious and really overwhelmed, but there was just a little peace, and I knew my heart was being opened to hear what I needed to hear. And it was enough to get me through that message…a message that I needed to hear that day to remind me that God hadn’t left me alone.

     "What a lesson! There’s a big difference between simply being a Christian and knowing who Jesus is…and having a determined mind-set on God’s interests in a situation that is difficult."

The words were hard to hear, but in the same respect, it was reminding me of what I knew all along. I have to trust that God's ways are so much bigger than my own...I have to trust that He is in control...and I need to let HIM have that control.

     "To lose your life…denying yourself, taking up your cross, following Jesus in your life…to find your life."

When we stood to sing later, I really felt my knees start to buckle and thought I’d have to sit down. But then I heard God...heard Him actually say to me “You’re going to be okay, Sandy…I’m still here”. And I knew for the first time since Jonah’s death that I was going to be okay. For any person who has felt God that close to him or her, you can relate when I say that it was one of the most amazing moments in my life. I felt a little less crazy than I have in the past few months. And although I still struggle sometimes to feel God, and I'm sure I will in the future, I never doubt that He is indeed there.

I don’t know what God has planned for us in the future, but we haven’t lost hope, and we plan to continue trying to have more children. Sometimes God doesn’t make sense, but I’ve learned in the past 11 years that he will never leave me. I’ve watched my life spiral completely out of control only for God to gently urge me to come back to Him, and when I did, He was there with open arms to accept me. I learned that even when I feel like God has left me alone, even for a moment that He hasn’t. I believe that part of this journey has been to teach me what true faith is. And although trusting in faith isn’t always easy, I know it’s the right road for me.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Faith...part 1

What Faith Can Do -- Kutless
Everybody falls sometimes
You gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you’re stronger, stronger than you know

And don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
You may decide to take that step
Out on the water
But it’ll be all right

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

Overcome the odds
When you don’t have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It will tell you that it can

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do.


This is part of a multiple part post...I've learned quite a bit about myself this month. There's more to come but I haven't gotten it all formulated in my head just yet. I needed to get these lyrics down in writing for my own sake and hopefully to give hope to someone else who may need it!

Friday, January 29, 2010

It's been one month...

One month of so many to come. I miss you so much, Jonah Matthew...I hope you know just how much you are loved and missed. My heart aches, and my arms ache to hold you, just one more time. I love and miss you, my beautiful baby boy. Someday I know I will see you you again and the reunion will be so sweet! Until then, please grow and be beautiful in the Lord. I wish you were here but I know that God has another plan for you, my precious baby boy...

Jonah's Page

Tiny Angel


Tiny Angel, rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Cherish the moments...

-Cherish the Moment-

Read my book, rub my back
Mommy, listen to my prayer.
Let me sit, in your lap
Daddy, fly me through the air.
Throw a ball, make a snack
Can we go to the park?
Tuck me in, hold me close,
I'm afraid of the dark!

Cherish the moment, soon you'll be apart
Cling to the memory, clasp it to your heart;
Soon comes the day when you'll have no child to hold
So cherish, cherish the moment.

Sing a song, play a game
Swing me high in the air
Ride a bike, fly a kite
How I love the times we share!
Hold my hand, hug my neck
Daddy bounce me on your knee
Come and sit by my bed,
Mommy, rock me to sleep!

Cherish the moment, soon you'll be apart
Cling to the memory, clasp it to your heart;
Soon comes the day when you'll have no child to hold
So cherish, cherish the moment.

Think ahead, to a time
When your little ones are gone.
Hold them tight, don't lose sight
Of the blessings you have known.
Think ahead, to a time when your little boy's a man
And you'd give anything, just to hold him again!

Cherish the moment, soon you'll be apart
Cling to the memory, clasp it to your heart;
Soon comes the day when you'll have no child to hold
So cherish, cherish the moment.

Ron Hamilton

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Square one, I guess

So I had my follow up appointment with the OB today, to make sure everything is healing physically and to get the results of my tests. So what did I learn? Nothing, really.

First, I had some sort of bacterial infection that was discovered during the D&C. Not sure what it was or whether it caused the preterm labor, but it was there. Second, this was probably NOT due to an incompetent cervix...I had symptoms of preterm labor (the contractions in the early morning) and those are not common with IC. Usually IC is discovered at a routine appointment and the woman doesn't feel any contractions because the dilation is gradual. Mine was not like that. The doctor said if he had to give me his best guess it would be this: "SOMETHING" caused my body to go into preterm labor. It could have been the infection, or the infection could have occurred after labor started. Cause is really unknown, but for some reason my body decided to start labor.

So good news? It's not an incompetent cervix (he's pretty certain of this) so the chances of it happening in another pregnancy are very slim.

The bad news? We don't know what caused this to happen. It will just be that much tougher to watch for it and prevent it in any future pregnancy. It's going to kind of be like saying "OK, so some mystery infection was present during my D&C. I went into preterm labor with the baby still alive, and nobody knows what caused it. What can we do to prevent this now?" Ugh.

So, I am thankful that I didn't get any really bad news. I did have a dream that I went to this appointment and was told they couldn't put my uterus back into my body because it was falling out...I am SO thankful that isn't the case! But of course I am a little disappointed that I don't know any more than I did 3 weeks ago. It makes me sad again to feel like my body betrayed me...and I really want some peace of mind. I'd like to know that if we ever get pregnant again, this isn't going to happen, but I can't know that.

So it comes down to trust. In the car on the way home, all I could really think was "God, I trust that You know what You're doing, and that there really is a reason that we are going through all this. And I trust that whatever happens in the future is also going to only happen because You want it to. And I trust that You'll help me to accept that."

Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

No words

I was thinking about updating my blog today. No matter how deep I dig, I can't find words today. Have you ever felt something so intensely that you can't put your feelings about it into words? Well, that's what I'm experiencing today. And it sucks. I'm not much of a talker when it comes to feelings but I usually can write about it. But trying to put words to my feelings today is making my chest ache. So I'm just not going to try right now. Again, this sucks.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

just thinking



Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
(author unknown)

Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the child that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that he is loved?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died too soon, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?
I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?

Friday, January 8, 2010

My sweet Elijah

I'm pretty much on an emotional roller coaster right now, which I suppose can be expected. It's so frustrating to me that one minute I feel fine, only to want to collapse into a sobbing mess and hide from the world the very next minute. And I feel bad that Elijah has to see me like this. I wish that while he is awake I could just pull it all together and be strong, for him. But it doesn't always work out like that.

Tonight, Elijah decided to eat dinner 3 times, with the third time occurring about 10 minutes before he was supposed to go to bed. I sat at the table with him while he ate Frosted Mini Wheats and he decided to get a little sassy and test my patience, declaring quite loudly that he would not be going to bed tonight...not until Daddy got home (which won't be until after 1am sometime). After just a few seconds, I decided that I wasn't going to argue any more and just put my face into my hands to compose myself as I felt the tears threatening. Here is the rest of our conversation:

Eli: "Mommy, I need to see your eyes."

Me: (lifting my head to look at him) "Why? You're being sassy and I'm tired."

Eli: "Mommy, why are you crying? Do you miss your baby brother?"

Me: "Buddy, he's your baby brother. He's Mommy and Daddy's little boy, just like you."

Eli: "Yeah...I miss him, too."

Me: "Do you remember what his name is, Eli?"

Eli: "Yes! He's little baby Jonah."

Me: "That's right. And do you remember where Mommy and Daddy told you that Jonah is?"

Eli: "Yes...he's in Heaven with Jesus and God and some angels."

Me: (I could only nod because he sounded so sweet now)

Eli: "Why is little baby Jonah in Heaven with Jesus?"

Me: (not quite prepared for that question) "Well, because Jesus wants Jonah there. I don't know why but I know that Jesus is taking care of him for us."

Eli: "Is Jesus taking good care of him?"

Me: "Yes...He's taking care of Jonah for us until we can see him again someday."

Eli: "Can we go tomorrow to Heaven to see him?"

Me: "Not tomorrow, Buddy. I don't know when we can go but someday I know we will."

Eli: "And I will hug my baby brother!"

Me: "Yes, we all will. You're a good boy, Eli."

Eli: "And you're my best little mommy, Mommy!"


A little while later, I overheard Elijah talking in his bed. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying but I kept hearing "my baby brother Jonah..." and I suddenly realized that he was talking to his stuffed animals about him. And I heard him telling them about Jonah in Heaven with Jesus. I guess he understands it better than I thought he did. It does make me a little sad, however, because I realize again that Elijah would be an awesome big brother. I really hope he has that chance someday.


"Even the smallest of feet have the power to
leave everlasting footprints upon this world"

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Heartbroken

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"
Psalm 34:18



On Tuesday, December 29th, I woke up early having contractions, which I knew was not a good sign at just over 22 weeks pregnant. We went to the doctor for an ultrasound, and found that the baby was alive and healthy! However, I had started to dilate. We were sent to a perinatal specialist in the hopes that we could stop dilation and stitch the cervix closed. By the time we saw the doctor, I had dilated to 4cm and the bag of waters had begun to slip through my cervix...this unfortunately meant there was no way to stop what had started. We were devastated...our baby was still alive! We were told we had two choices : go to the hospital immediately for a D&E , or go home and wait for my body to start labor naturally. There was really no choice in my mind, nor in Adam's...the baby was alive and we would not use any medical procedure. The doctor understood, and told us to go home and that I should spend the time in bed. He said within a day or two, my water would break and at that time we should go the hospital.

We got home about 4:30pm that day. By 4:45 pm my water broke and there was no time. I had to deliver our son in our bathroom, which was just so difficult. I never passed the placenta which meant I had to cut the cord, which I knew meant I was cutting the only lifeline my son had. We had to go the the ER because I hadn't passed everything and spent the remainder of the night in the ER, then in surgery for a D&C, and finally in a room due to excessive bleeding and fear of hemorrhaging . Thankfully, the hospital staff was amazing and we were able to spend some wonderful time with our baby boy before he was sent to the funeral home. I was allowed to go home Wednesday afternoon, and we spent the afternoon making the final arrangements for our baby boy, Jonah Matthew. The past 2 days have been spent trying to help my 3 year old son make sense out of "mommy had your baby brother but he's in Heaven with Jesus and can't be here with us". I don't understand it...how in the world can my 3 year old?

I have had many miscarriages, but this one is so different for me. This baby was alive, and my body failed. I don't blame myself but sometimes I want to. Nothing makes sense. I am so crushed and hurting...the nightmares I have now are unbelievable. My mind is reeling over the possibilities, all the "what ifs?". And I feel so guilty sometimes...like if I actually smile or laugh about something, I think "how can you be smiling?" I know it will get easier...it always has...but I just hurt so much right now.




I'LL BE THERE

Daddy please don't look so sad, Momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

Please, try not to question God, don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you, and then He changed His mind
You see, I am a special child,and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him,the product of your love.

I'll always be there with you, and watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.
That's me, in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a little breeze,from a gentle wind that blows,
That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
That's me, I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.

So daddy, please don't look so sad, and Momma don't you cry,
I'm in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.
(Author unknown)





Friday, January 1, 2010

Simplify it all

For those of you have followed my various blogs throughout the years (other blogger accounts, Xanga, etc.), I want to let you know that I am condensing them all HERE. This will be the only blog I keep. I came to realize keeping separate blogs about different areas of my life was just complicating things for me. After all, all these areas are parts of the big picture, so why not just keep it all together?

Teagan Riley Clark