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Showing posts from 2010

God loves me :)

Today, while driving around doing errands, I heard a song that really put some things into perspective for me. I cried for a moment in the Target parking lot, but it was okay today...even through the hurt, I know that my God loves me. Sometimes it's very easy to forget that God loves us when things are bad because we just feel crappy. But today, while just driving alone with my own thoughts to keep me company, I felt that love and presence so much...and I was so thankful. I know things aren't going to magically be "all better" tomorrow, or even next year. But my God loves me and for me, that is enough to get me through each day.
**MORE** - Matthew West
Take a look at the mountain
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I lov…

Happy Birthday, Jonah

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I can't even really start to express just how much I've been dreading today. I just knew that it would be hard, and I knew that I didn't know what to expect. I didn't expect everything to start unraveling last night, but it did. I didn't expect to wake up at 5am this morning and not be able to fall back asleep (*that* happened last year, too...). but I did. Elijah and I already had plans for today. I had asked Eli a few weeks ago what he thought his baby brother would want for his birthday, and Eli said (without much thought!) that Jonah would want cookies and balloons. Well, I hope Oreos are okay because baking did NOT happen today! Balloons, however, did. Eli and I sat down late this morning and made a special card:

Eli wanted to sign his name, and Dad's as well. He picked each sticker by himself. He thought the smiley faces would make Jonah happy. And he thought Jonah would like the octopus because it was green, and the hippo because it was "fat and blu…

My storm...

I don't know...I really didn't expect to fall apart like this until tomorrow but I really don't know that I can make it through RIGHT NOW, much less tomorrow...

Praise You in This Storm --Casting Crowns--
I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear Yo…

I feel like a hypocrite...

I am having a very hard time right now. I spent the past 12 days focusing on all of the positive things that I have gained this year, positive and happy things despite the sad things. I truly believe the things I said but...
I feel hypocritical. It started Christmas Eve. It started with an innocent shirt on a child...a shirt that said "My first Christmas". And suddenly my world stated to fall apart at the seams a little. I swallowed most of the hurt and grief and just tried to go on but it seemed that the harder I tried, the more it hurt. I really tried to focus once again on the "happy things", but they seemed so trivial. I reminded myself that my special Jonah got to spend his first Christmas with Jesus, and selfishness took over and I felt a twinge of anger and sadness because I wanted him HERE. I scolded myself on Christmas morning and reminded myself to be happy for the things I DO have here...my family, my friends, my husband, my Elijah, my cats, my life, my G…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 12

On another blog I follow, the writer challenged those of us who have lost children to spend "the 12 days of Christmas" thinking about the gifts, tangible or non-tangible, that we have been "left" by our child's short life. There aren't many tangible things that we have from Jonah (although there are a few), but because of that, I've been almost forced to focus more on what isn't seen with my eyes or held in my hands. I'm taking this "challenge" because this month is really hard, harder than I'll admit to anyone (myself included). I need something. I'm not sure I'll be able to follow the "12 days format" of having the exact number of something for each day (12 things on day 12, for instance) but we'll see. What a year 2010 has been!

**Day 12 (12/25): 12...twelve amazing Tuesdays. Every third Tuesday of each month, I spend about 2 hours with some of the most amazing women I have ever met. It is a time for laughte…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 11

**Day 11 (12/24): 11...Hebrews chapter eleven. The entire chapter talks about what faith can do, and what it actually DID for some people. Verse one says: "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see," and Verse six says: "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
This entire year has been a true walk of faith for me. I can't say it's been easy. But God and I had several long chats during which I expressed my desire to live a life of faith, not just hope. I won't lie...I hope we have more kids! But I have faith that whatever happens, it's truly part of God's plan for me. I can't say that I always like to admit that I'm not in control of things but slowly, it's becoming easier for me to just allow God to have that control of me. My life here is temporary...my true home is in heave…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 10

**Day 10 (12/23): 10...ten inches squared. When the nurses in the hospital brought Jonah into my room for us, he was wrapped in a tiny blue blanket that measured 10in x 10in. 10 square inches of blue, fuzzy blanket for a tiny baby. I keep it in Jonah's memory box for the most part, but some times I take it out to hold it for just a moment or two. Sometimes I wish that it smelled like a "real" baby blanket, but if I close my eyes, sometimes I can imagine that new baby smell. I wonder if babies have that new baby smell in Heaven?

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 9

**Day 9 (12/22): 9...nine angel baby friends. There are times in this journey when, even with others around me, I feel very lonely. I wonder if Jonah even thinks about me, or if he asks Jesus about his family here...or if he ever talks to his brothers and/or sisters up there about their family on earth. It's impossible for me to imagine what his life is like there, but I know that it must be wonderful, which gives me some peace. But the mother in me wonders if he's okay, and if his brothers and/or sisters are okay...and sometimes I imagine them with their friends. There are 9 other "angel babies" that come to mind when I imagine my children's friends in Heaven. They are babies of women I have met during this journey...women who feel so many of the same things that I feel and understand how crazy everything can feel at times. It's an odd sort of comforting feeling that I get when I think of our children running around in Heaven...it makes me smile away tears s…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 8

**Day 8 (12/21): 8...eight little letters --> ILOVEYOU. I say it more often and I think about the people I love more often. Life is fragile, and it can be gone in a mere heartbeat. It's become more important to me this year especially to make sure the ones I love know just how much they mean to me.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 7

**Day 7 (12/20): 7...Seven special days. What makes them really special to me is I get seven special days every week for the rest of my earthly life. It seems so simple, but I don't think I really relished every day in the past, at least not like I did this year. This year, every day was amazing in some way. Some days were terrible, some days were great; some days were too cold for my liking, others too hot; some days my Elijah was just a handful of preschool madness and craziness, others he was so well-behaved I began to wonder if he was the same kid! Some days we ate frozen pizza for dinner, some days I managed an awesome pot roast with mashed potatoes and some amazing lemon-garlic green beans. Some days I felt on top of the world, while other days I thought I couldn't crawl out of the hole that I seemed to be hiding in. But looking back, I was given 7 days every week to be alive. I am given 7 days a week to fulfill my purpose here on earth...what am I doing with those days?…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 6

**Day 6 (12/19): 6...Six words from a favorite hymn: STANDING ON THE PROMISES OF GOD. I remember singing this song especially as a child, and I remember how the words and melody were simple enough that our rather small Baptist congregation would belt it out at the top of our lungs. A simple message...we can trust our God, because HE follows through on his promises to us. And I will continue to rest in MY savior as my "all in all".
Standing on the promises of Christ my King! Through eternal ages let his praises ring! Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing! Standing on the promises of God.
(Refrain:) Standing, standing, standing on the promises of Christ my Savior! Standing, standing... I'm standing on the promises of God!
Standing on the promises that cannot fail, when the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, by the living Word of God I shall prevail, standing on the promises of God.
Standing on the promises I now can see, perfect, present cleansing in the blood for me, standing…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 5

**Day 5 (12/18): 5...Five basic senses, now stronger and enhanced. Everything I experience is on a new level now. I find that I see beauty in things that at one time were ordinary. I have always loved music and it's been a huge part of my life, but I listen to words and melodies differently now. I find myself smelling everyone's clean clothes because I can smell my husband and son's unique "smell" on them...I hope that doesn't sound too crazy! I cherish every touch from everyone, and I've NEVER been a hugger. I always have shied away from physical touch because it made me uncomfortable. Now, I especially look forward to my son and husband hugging me. I feel safer. Finally, taste. Well, I have learned to enjoy food more this year but that COULD be because I started running competitively and I'm just hungrier! However, I wouldn't have started racing when I did if I'd still been pregnant at the beginning of 2010, so I think it qualifies as a gift…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 4

**Day 4 (12/17): 4...Four letter words. Stick with me for a minute, I promise they are positive words! I have a different view of some four letter words in my life now.
HEAL...I thought it would just happen. I thought it would be an end point. But it's not...the heal part of losing a child is a process, and it's continual.
LIFE...my babies each had a life. They were short lives, but it was a life nonetheless. It is such a struggle but I want in MY own life to celebrate their lives. I don't want people to be afraid to talk to me about my children in Heaven. It's very hard, sometimes, because the pain of grief makes it easier to focus on losing them. But each of them had their HUMAN life, and now they each are living their heavenly life. Someday I, too, will join them. Until then, I know they are in good hands!
HOPE...some days, it feels like I have none. But I do. I hope for many things...another child to hold here on earth, a sibling that my son can play with, a heart tha…

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 3

**Day 3 (12/16): 3...Three angel babies. It is the number of children Adam and I have in heaven, and the number of siblings Eli has. When we lost Jonah last December, the other losses came back to me. It wasn't that I didn't think of them prior to this but very suddenly I thought of them more frequently. So many "what ifs" and "whys" really haunted me for months. Slowly I've been able to think about them all without feeling completely unstable.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 2

**Day 2 (12/15): 2...Two tiny hand prints and two tiny footprints. The hospital was so wonderful to us and took footprints, hand prints and even photos. Those prints are so precious, because I remember holding a tiny, 6 inch long and 3oz baby and marveling at how perfect everything was. I remember counting fingers and toes...and there were 10 of each. Amazing. I commented to our pastor when he came to visit that Jonah was perfect...just born too soon and everything was just too small. Sometimes it's hard to comprehend how something so small can leave such a big empty place in your heart and soul when it's not here.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 1

On another blog I follow, the writer challenged those of us who have lost children to spend "the 12 days of Christmas" thinking about the gifts, tangible or non-tangible, that we have been "left" by our child's short life. There aren't many tangible things that we have from Jonah (although there are a few), but because of that, I've been almost forced to focus more on what isn't seen with my eyes or held in my hands. I'm taking this "challenge" because this month is really hard, harder than I'll admit to anyone (myself included). I need something. I'm not sure I'll be able to follow the "12 days format" of having the exact number of something for each day (12 things on day 12, for instance) but we'll see. What a year 2010 has been!
**Day 1 (12/14): 1...One big brother who cherishes the memory of his baby brother that he'll only get to meet in Heaven someday. Elijah plays with his toy nativity set and calls…

I'm a slacker

I have seriously neglected my blog. Note to self...UPDATE SOON!

June 23rd, 2010

June 23rd, 2010.

Today was Jonah's due date. Today should have been a day of anticipation, excitement, relief, rejoicing, happiness or any other number of positive emotions.

Instead, it's a day I've been dreading since my birthday. I woke up the morning of my birthday and the very first thing that came to mind was "Today, I would have been 37 weeks pregnant. 37 weeks...that magic number when usually everything is 'green light' for delivery." Happy birthday? huh...

So for the past 20 days, I've dreaded the next day...knowing that my "due date" was coming, and wondering just what the day would be like. I'm sure the whole day won't be as bad as the days that have led up to it. I pray that the whole day won't be as bad as the days that led up to it.

I did a pretty good job convincing myself for the past 6 months that things are "OKAY"...that I'm healing and just moving along like I should. But June 2nd shook things up. That…

My first half marathon...and the weeks before!

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I really wanted to get this down while it was all still fresh in my mind. After all, this is HUGE for me. This is the longest distance I have ever raced...and just to think that I competed in a 13.1 mile race still blows my mind! So let's start at the beginning...when I decided to actually do this thing!

It was March 1st when I actually decided that this was "for real". I had been tossing the idea around for over a year, to be honest. In early 2009, I decided I was going to run in the Dam to Dam in Des Moines. I started training, but my heart wasn't in it 100%. In early April, I started to feel run down, tired and just like all of my training runs sucked. I look back at my training log and it's easy to see why. I was running every day. I was keeping a food journal and my caloric intake was less than adequate. I was still running because I was focusing SO hard on losing weight. I liked running but I hadn't really found "LOVE IT" yet. In early May, I …
Back In His Arms Again
Mark Schultz

I see it in your eyes
The pain you keep inside
It's slowly tearing you apart
Though you've run away
Reminded day by day
You've stumbled and you've fallen
Still He's calling

I believe that He loves you where you are
I believe that you've seen the hands of God
I believe that you'll know it when
You're back in His arms again
I believe that He never let you go
I believe that He's wanting you to know
I believe that He'll lead you 'til
you're back in His arms again.

Glad I found you here
'Cause in between the tears
Something in your eyes shows hope
And I stand before you now
As one that knows about
Coming to Him open and broken

And I know that He's callin'
He's callin' you Home
One life, one love, one way Home
And when you rise and when you fall
He will see you through it all
He is waiting, you are called,
back in His arms again.

tonight...

Tonight is really tough...

I don't know why, exactly. All I know is that tonight I am having a very tough time. Tonight it just hurts again...a lot.

I think maybe I'll just go to bed now.

Faith - part 2

One of the most difficult parts of losing Jonah this past December has been how disconnected and distant I’ve felt from God. At a time in my life when I feel I need Him the most, I often feel like I did many years ago when I was finishing up college and going through absolute turmoil in my life…alone and without the answers that I wanted so much. The difference this time is I remember what it felt like to turn away from God and try to live my life MY way. I remember how lost I was, and how difficult those 5 years were. And I decided in early January that although I felt like God was so far away, I would never turn my back again. Even when I felt like I was calling out to Him and being ignored, I was going to remember His promise to never leave me. I believe there is a reason that we’ve experienced this so many times and I may never know that reason while I’m here on earth…but that’s okay. I wanted so much to believe that I was right for keeping faith in the unknown. And now, not quite…

Faith...part 1

What Faith Can Do -- Kutless
Everybody falls sometimes
You gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you’re stronger, stronger than you know

And don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
You may decide to take that step
Out on the water
But it’ll be all right

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

Overcome the odds
When you don’t have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It will tell you that it can

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

It's been one month...

One month of so many to come. I miss you so much, Jonah Matthew...I hope you know just how much you are loved and missed. My heart aches, and my arms ache to hold you, just one more time. I love and miss you, my beautiful baby boy. Someday I know I will see you you again and the reunion will be so sweet! Until then, please grow and be beautiful in the Lord. I wish you were here but I know that God has another plan for you, my precious baby boy...

Jonah's Page

Tiny Angel

Tiny Angel, rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown

Cherish the moments...

-Cherish the Moment-

Read my book, rub my back
Mommy, listen to my prayer.
Let me sit, in your lap
Daddy, fly me through the air.
Throw a ball, make a snack
Can we go to the park?
Tuck me in, hold me close,
I'm afraid of the dark!

Cherish the moment, soon you'll be apart
Cling to the memory, clasp it to your heart;
Soon comes the day when you'll have no child to hold
So cherish, cherish the moment.

Sing a song, play a game
Swing me high in the air
Ride a bike, fly a kite
How I love the times we share!
Hold my hand, hug my neck
Daddy bounce me on your knee
Come and sit by my bed,
Mommy, rock me to sleep!

Cherish the moment, soon you'll be apart
Cling to the memory, clasp it to your heart;
Soon comes the day when you'll have no child to hold
So cherish, cherish the moment.

Think ahead, to a time
When your little ones are gone.
Hold them tight, don't lose sight
Of the blessings you have known.
Think ahead, to a time when your little boy's a man
And you'd give anything, just to hold him…

Square one, I guess

So I had my follow up appointment with the OB today, to make sure everything is healing physically and to get the results of my tests. So what did I learn? Nothing, really.

First, I had some sort of bacterial infection that was discovered during the D&C. Not sure what it was or whether it caused the preterm labor, but it was there. Second, this was probably NOT due to an incompetent cervix...I had symptoms of preterm labor (the contractions in the early morning) and those are not common with IC. Usually IC is discovered at a routine appointment and the woman doesn't feel any contractions because the dilation is gradual. Mine was not like that. The doctor said if he had to give me his best guess it would be this: "SOMETHING" caused my body to go into preterm labor. It could have been the infection, or the infection could have occurred after labor started. Cause is really unknown, but for some reason my body decided to start labor.

So good news? It's not an incompete…

No words

I was thinking about updating my blog today. No matter how deep I dig, I can't find words today. Have you ever felt something so intensely that you can't put your feelings about it into words? Well, that's what I'm experiencing today. And it sucks. I'm not much of a talker when it comes to feelings but I usually can write about it. But trying to put words to my feelings today is making my chest ache. So I'm just not going to try right now. Again, this sucks.

just thinking

Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
(author unknown)

Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the child that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that he is loved?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died too soon, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy tha…

My sweet Elijah

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I'm pretty much on an emotional roller coaster right now, which I suppose can be expected. It's so frustrating to me that one minute I feel fine, only to want to collapse into a sobbing mess and hide from the world the very next minute. And I feel bad that Elijah has to see me like this. I wish that while he is awake I could just pull it all together and be strong, for him. But it doesn't always work out like that.

Tonight, Elijah decided to eat dinner 3 times, with the third time occurring about 10 minutes before he was supposed to go to bed. I sat at the table with him while he ate Frosted Mini Wheats and he decided to get a little sassy and test my patience, declaring quite loudly that he would not be going to bed tonight...not until Daddy got home (which won't be until after 1am sometime). After just a few seconds, I decided that I wasn't going to argue any more and just put my face into my hands to compose myself as I felt the tears threatening. Here is the res…

Heartbroken

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"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"
Psalm 34:18


On Tuesday, December 29th, I woke up early having contractions, which I knew was not a good sign at almost 17 weeks pregnant. We went to the doctor for an ultrasound, and found that the baby was alive and healthy! However, I had started to dilate. We were sent to a perinatal specialist in the hopes that we could stop dilation and stitch the cervix closed. By the time we saw the doctor, I had dilated to 4cm and the bag of waters had begun to slip through my cervix...this unfortunately meant there was no way to stop what had started. We were devastated...our baby was still alive! We were told we had two choices : go to the hospital immediately for a D&E , or go home and wait for my body to start labor naturally. There was really no choice in my mind, nor in Adam's...the baby was alive and we would not use any medical procedure. The doctor understood, and told us to go home and…

Simplify it all

For those of you have followed my various blogs throughout the years (other blogger accounts, Xanga, etc.), I want to let you know that I am condensing them all HERE. This will be the only blog I keep. I came to realize keeping separate blogs about different areas of my life was just complicating things for me. After all, all these areas are parts of the big picture, so why not just keep it all together?