Monday, May 16, 2011

Allowing God to comfort you

Sometimes when I'm upset, I really don't like to be touched. Obviously this is true if I'm angry or irritated about something, but I've found it occasionally happens if I'm sad about something. It may be a person's natural, caring instinct to try to hug me but that gesture might be met by resistance from me. It's easy for me to shut down when I'm trying to deal with emotions.

The past two days have been interesting. I got answer to a prayer, but I wasn't especially thrilled by the answer. It confused me, and made me a little irritated. During the extended amount of time this request was prayed for, I continually asked God to help me accept whatever answer He gave me. I really believed that I was okay with whatever answer came...

...until that answer came.

There was hurt and disappointment. There was a little peace. There was some misdirected anger. Okay, I sort of raised my voice to God. I told Him that I was upset, and that I felt like I had been "led on". I thought it seemed like the answer would go the other way. Why would I be allowed to sense my concern being resolved one way if He was going to go the opposite direction? Not fair. I pouted...for a while.

Then I felt guilty.


I felt guilty for yelling at God. I felt guilty for thinking that God would "lead me on" to believe something. I felt guilty for acting childish about it. So I went running. 12 miles later, I felt like I had reconciled with God. I apologized...a lot. I prayed that He would continue to work in me to make me more receptive and accepting of His plan, of His interests. It wasn't just words... I meant it. I don't want to be the Christian whose faith is strong as long as she gets her way and the sun is shining. I want God's interests to become my own. I'm a work in progress...it's going to take some time.

Early today, I really felt like God was holding a grudge against me! I felt that awkward distance from Him that I am so uncomfortable with. I felt like when I prayed, my words bounced off a brick wall back into my face. I began to wonder if God was upset with me. I thought about it a lot this morning. I don't think the distance I was feeling was a grudge from God...it was me. I was doing the same thing that I do with people when I get upset...I was withdrawing. It wasn't intentional. I think it's just habit, really.

But why don't I allow God to comfort me?


I don't know that I've figured out that answer just yet...

Satan is a jerk

Satan is a jerk.

I'm pretty sure that A: nobody is going to disagree with my statement and B: this is not news to anyone. I felt it was important enough to state not only in my post title, but also the first sentence. Perhaps I find it necessary to reiterate simply because it is such an obvious, but important, truth. Honestly, however, I'm kind of hoping he reads my blog so that he knows that I'm onto his unscrupulous trickery. Enough with the shenanigans already!

Okay, back on track. Satan knows exactly what to use to try to bring a Christian down...to make one doubt herself and her faith. Sometimes he likes to try to get me to believe that I'm a bad mom, which is what happened last week. God set me straight when I told Him about that. Other times, Satan has tried to tell me that I'm starting too late...that all those years that I was acting pretty rebelliously toward God will always haunt me. Yeah, God and I talk about that one a lot, too. God has been good about reminding me about 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I've always struggled with guilt. If you tell me your lawn is brown from lack of rain, I might find a way to feel guilty about it. It really brings me down if I let it. Satan knows it's a weakness...God has been good about reminding me to give that problem to Him.

Today, well, Satan pulled out another big one...jealousy. There are a lot of women I know right now who are getting what I really want. I am genuinely happy for them...and I'm also a bit jealous. That jealousy usually manifests itself as just a twinge of "maybe my turn will be next". Not today...today it was the sort of twinge that made me want to spit tacks. The weird thing about today is I didn't recognize it right away...it festered away for a bit. Until I got a message from a friend who is in my shoes...we have mutual friends...she got bit by the jealous bug today, too. She was hoping it was okay that she told me. Let me tell you something, my friend...I NEEDED YOU TO TELL ME. It made me face my vice.

I spoiled myself recently by buying a new study Bible and I am so glad I did. Today when I sat down to deal with my negative emotions, I found endless resources to direct me where I needed to go in the Bible. I usually spend Eli's naptime trying to get caught up on some stuff around the house but today, I spent it with my Bible open and with God gently showing me how to get past the jealousy.

Psalm 143:8
     Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.


Psalm 13:5-6
     But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me.


Psalm 37:4-5
     Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this.
          **Then, my study Bible nicely pointed out that the general theme of Psalm 37 is "Trust in the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act."**

Trust and faith...yes, I have those. Patience? hmmmm....I'm trying. It's a constant undertaking :) 

Just on these three insidious attacks by the jerk, the score stands at :


God-3, Satan-0


Teagan Riley Clark