Sometimes when I'm upset, I really don't like to be touched. Obviously this is true if I'm angry or irritated about something, but I've found it occasionally happens if I'm sad about something. It may be a person's natural, caring instinct to try to hug me but that gesture might be met by resistance from me. It's easy for me to shut down when I'm trying to deal with emotions.
The past two days have been interesting. I got answer to a prayer, but I wasn't especially thrilled by the answer. It confused me, and made me a little irritated. During the extended amount of time this request was prayed for, I continually asked God to help me accept whatever answer He gave me. I really believed that I was okay with whatever answer came...
...until that answer came.
There was hurt and disappointment. There was a little peace. There was some misdirected anger. Okay, I sort of raised my voice to God. I told Him that I was upset, and that I felt like I had been "led on". I thought it seemed like the answer would go the other way. Why would I be allowed to sense my concern being resolved one way if He was going to go the opposite direction? Not fair. I pouted...for a while.
Then I felt guilty.
I felt guilty for yelling at God. I felt guilty for thinking that God would "lead me on" to believe something. I felt guilty for acting childish about it. So I went running. 12 miles later, I felt like I had reconciled with God. I apologized...a lot. I prayed that He would continue to work in me to make me more receptive and accepting of His plan, of His interests. It wasn't just words... I meant it. I don't want to be the Christian whose faith is strong as long as she gets her way and the sun is shining. I want God's interests to become my own. I'm a work in progress...it's going to take some time.
Early today, I really felt like God was holding a grudge against me! I felt that awkward distance from Him that I am so uncomfortable with. I felt like when I prayed, my words bounced off a brick wall back into my face. I began to wonder if God was upset with me. I thought about it a lot this morning. I don't think the distance I was feeling was a grudge from God...it was me. I was doing the same thing that I do with people when I get upset...I was withdrawing. It wasn't intentional. I think it's just habit, really.
But why don't I allow God to comfort me?
I don't know that I've figured out that answer just yet...