sigh

It was about 2pm this afternoon when I realized that I was experiencing the beginning of the end. I was waiting for my aunt to get to my house to watch Elijah while I went to the doctor, and I was doing mindless tasks to keep myself busy. Suddenly there was excruciating pain. This wasn't just cramping; it was intense pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and I found it necessary to sit down on the couch and just focus on trying to breathe through the pain. I started to wonder if I was going to be able to drive myself to the doctor's office. I really didn't want to make Elijah sit through another long appointment, however, after the 4+ hour ordeal in the ER last night. Plus, he was still napping. So I just decided to drive in pain, which turned out to be much more difficult than I expected. And as I drove, I prayed. But my prayer was different. For weeks, I have prayed so hard that God would please protect our baby, and that everything would be okay. Today, I prayed that God would help me accept what was happening, because I really didn't want to. When I got to the doctor's office, I sat in my car for a moment, still not allowing myself to believe it completely. When I finally got out of my car, I noticed the pain getting worse, and it hasn't stopped since that time...about 2:55pm.

I heard the words, and although I knew it was true, I wanted to believe that the doctor was wrong. And I told him that. He smiled and told me that he wished he was wrong. I heard all the usual things: this isn't anything you did wrong, or anything that you didn't do; this is the body's way of ending something that isn't developing right; this happens, and it sucks. And then, I heard my doctor say some things I wasn't expecting. He took the next ten minutes to tell me that I needed to allow myself to grieve, and that I could be sad for as long as I wanted. He told me that once I was feeling physically better, I should get a babysitter for the evening and Adam and I should go on a date to reconnect. He strongly urged me to realize that although it will get better, it might get worse again when I remember it in the future. And then he gave me a hug. What an amazing doctor.

Adam is on the road right now...I feel terrible that he has to deal with this alone, in his truck. He feels terrible that he can't be here with me. I wish he was here as well. The good thing for me is that I have the amazing Elijah here with me, who is being so sweet and keeps coming over to give me hugs.

But I feel so empty. And I miss our baby. And right now it is tearing me apart to know that I won't get to carry this baby and feel him/her grow inside me. I'm struggling with crazy emotions and I hear things in my head right now that I know aren't healthy. I know this is all temporary...the emotions and the physical pain. Part of me just wants to scream out that this isn't fair.

I think once I can cry, I will feel a little better. But right now, I can't seem to find the tears.

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