White Plastic Hangers: Tiny flickers of hope...

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. ~Psalm 116:7~
But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior;
my God will hear me. ~Micah 7:7~

This past year, I started something new. It started late this summer when we had moved into our new house. I started a simple act that proved more meaningful than I expected, something that started "just because" and became some of my most precious moments during the second half of 2011. Something that nobody knew the meaning of except for me.

I started to light a candle.

Not just any candle. I light candles a lot, especially in the winter. Rather I started to light a specific candle at various times throughout the day. I found this candle to be the most beautiful candle I had ever experienced.

This simple candle had become my little Jonah.

You see, for whatever reason, when I lit this candle in the middle of our dining room table for the first time so many months ago, I started to think about my little boy. It wasn't all sad thoughts, though. Instead, there were some peaceful thoughts...thoughts about what he might be doing up in heaven. Thoughts about what heaven must be like. Thoughts about how wonderful it must be to spend every moment of eternity with our Savior. Thoughts about how someday I get to be there...

forever.

A candle did this for me. A candle prompted me to really spend more than just a moment thinking about what I've been given. I'm the child of an Almighty God who willingly gave His only Son as a sacrifice so that I could be part of HIS FAMILY and live forever with Him.

wow...

I have more children in heaven than I will probably have here on Earth. I often look at Elijah and realize he doesn't even know that he's one of six. Because I know just how fragile life is, I try to cherish everything, even the seemingly small things, because I feel blessed that I have him...he's a gift in so many ways. If someone came to me today and said "Hey, if you are willing, your son Elijah can sacrificially save the world from 'X,Y, and Z'!" I would take Eli and run the other direction as fast as I possibly could. I wouldn't stop until I was so far away that I felt safe...and I would drop off the grid and nobody would see us again. Yeah...I'm serious. I won't dwell on this thought because I'm pretty certain it's not going to come to that! :-) My point is that God did what I know I could never do...

for me...for you...for anyone who wants it.

This hasn't really made the whole thing easier for me, however. December sucks...it is really a hard month. I realized last year, and then again this year, that losing Jonah in December 2009 now causes me to think about and grieve the losses of all my children. It's like I get to the end of the year and suddenly get bombarded with memories and grief all over again. It makes me sad. I think about each child not only on the day they went to heaven, but also random times throughout the year. A mother doesn't forget her children, even when they're not in her sight. And then in December, I get to remember all over again...

and then again...and again...

I'm no fun to be around in December. I don't want it to be this way, and this year I tried (really, I did...) to be a bit more pleasant. It didn't work. We wouldn't have put up any Christmas decorations if Adam hadn't pulled the decoration totes out of the closet and left them pretty much in the middle of the living room floor. I want Eli to have good memories of his childhood Christmases. I want to share with him the true joy and happiness that can be found in the true meaning of Christmas. I want him to grow up knowing just how special the birth of Jesus is for all of us. I want everyone to be happy, myself included...

but it's hard to do when you hurt...

when all you really want to do is crawl in a hole until January 1st.

Back to the candle. The first candle that I was lighting eventually became unusable. I wondered what I would do...I mean, the candle that suddenly had HUGE meaning to me was gone. I pondered this for a few days before I decided to just get another candle for the holder. I wondered if I would get the same feelings, or this new candle would just be like any other random candle. So I lit the new candle...

and I thought about my little Jonah,

and about my babies who are with him right now.

It wasn't the object that held meaning...it was the symbolism, and the feelings, and the memories. It was that bright flame on both candles that flickered just enough to touch my heart, and made me smile when I wanted to cry. It was that little light that helped me remember how close my God always is to me, even when I feel like He is so far away. It was remembering the intense love I feel for all my children, and being reminded that my heavenly Father loves all His children SO MUCH. It was that small flame that reminded me again that my babies spent their first birthday and their first Christmas in heaven...with Jesus. I'll bet they got to sit right on Jesus' lap and hear the Christmas story from Him...and they get to celebrate His special birthday WITH HIM every year! It [lighting a candle] was something I had done thousands of times before in my lifetime, but one day, lighting a candle suddenly held new meaning for me. A candle...it can't replace those who aren't here, but it somehow helps me feel a little closer to them. So I light that candle often...sometimes in the middle of the day when I'm sitting at the table on the computer or doing my devotions. Sometimes I light it at night, when I know I'll be walking past the table many times. The candle was lit for Thanksgiving dinner, and for Christmas dinner...in fact, for many dinners during these past few months. My babies were there with us...at least in my heart and mind. Seeing the small flame makes me realize that five tiny souls have impacted my life in an enormous way. Losing them was heart-wrenching, but realizing that I am who I am today because of all my past experiences helps to ignite that flame of hope in me...

sometimes just enough so I know

I can make it through the next tough moment.

I've met so many other moms in the past 2 years who have lost children. We all agree that we can never understand God's ways, see His master plan or completely know how our child's brief life is part of that plan. It's hard, because I formulate theories about "why" and think about how it might all work. And then I realize that it's just silly to do that because, well, I'm not God and I can't possibly figure it all out! I don't get it...I don't know that I'll ever understand why I've gone through this so many times. I don't know if my mind could really grasp the magnitude of God's plan right now anyway. I have to remind myself often that someday I'll understand, but for now I just need to keep trusting Him. After all, when I look back on my life, it's the times that I trusted Him that things went the most smoothly. Remembering this doesn't make it easier to miss my kids...it just gives me hope. Sometimes a tiny bit of hope is all it takes for me to be "okay" in that moment.

The candle burns in our house more days than not. It's just a small thing that has touched my life in so many ways. A simple candle...a tiny flame...

a heart that still has hope.