Stripes

Eli has a toy Beanie Baby tiger whose name is Stripes. This little tiger once belonged to me but I gave him to Eli a few years ago. Stripes has been living in Eli's toy box, undisturbed, for most of those years. That is, until about 2 weeks ago.

2 weeks ago, Eli found Stripes and started playing with him pretty much non-stop. The interaction that Eli has with Stripes is very different from his other stuffed animals. He seems to go through phases where different stuffed things are more important to him than others. When we first moved back to Iowa, when Eli was about 19 months old, he had three things that HAD to be with him at all times: Puppy-puppy, Gi-gi and Lamb. (Gi-gi is his baby blanket). When he would get upset, he would immediately ask for those three items, and only then did he feel better. When I visited my family in Pennsylvania in February of 2010, Eli had a new attachment to a stuffed red, jalapeño- shaped cat toy...aptly named Pepper. We visited my cousin Heather in Wisconsin in April of 2010 and Heather's son Nate gave Eli a stuffed dog, who became Roger Retriever, or just Roger for short. Roger took Puppy-puppy's place for a long time, and I think I was more upset about the replacement than anyone else! Eli would make Puppy-puppy sleep on the floor because he said that Puppy would "gas on him" at night; or Puppy wouldn't stop licking him. Eventually Puppy-puppy was allowed to join the others on the bed at night, and I felt better.

Back to Stripes. Stripes is NAUGHTY! Seriously...first of all, Stripes "talks" in this rather annoying high-pitched meow, and it's usually very loud. When it first started, I would tell Eli that he needed to be quieter and his response was "Stripes, be quiet! Daddy is sleeping!". The more I watched, the more I noticed just how sassy this bean-filled tiger really was. He jumps all over the living room, knocking things off book shelves and speakers. I found Stripes running with scissors a few days ago. He runs all over the house and attacks the LIVING cats! He sometimes attacks my face for no apparent reason and continues to pester me until I say "Eli, you need to stop now...you're hurting me now," and Eli replies, to the tiger (of course) "Stripes, stop hurting Mommy! That's NOT nice!". Stripes never wants to eat dinner...he's always too tired. Stripes never wants to take a bath...he's having too much fun playing. Stripes puts up quite the fuss at bedtime, and is disruptive while we're trying to read bedtime stories. I told Adam yesterday that Stripes is everything that Eli WANTS to be, but he knows he can't get away doing those naughty things!

Now, Stripes isn't ALL bad. Stripes is very inquisitive and likes to investigate things in our house, too. He found a small hole in our carpet, and I was informed that Stripes wanted Eli to tell me about it. Stripes gives great hugs and when he's not hyperactive, he gives wonderful kisses, too. Stripes provides a great amount of comfort to Eli when he falls out of bed. Stripes makes Eli feel better when I tell him something he doesn't want to hear (such as "we have to leave Grandma's house, now"). Stripes is truly one of Eli's closest non-human companions right now, and I think they're very cute together. As I type this, Stripes is launching himself (with a little Eli help!) from the top of the cat scratching post into our window. Oh, and attacking a pumpkin. Eli loves his crazy, sassy little tiger...

Stripes is HOBBES!

I wonder what the future holds if this relationship continues? Perhaps I should brush up on my "Calvin and Hobbes" :D

Discouragement and Faith

Today I'm feeling a little discouraged. I've spent the past 14 months fighting frustration but today, it's just discouragement. We tried for 14 months before we got pregnant with Jonah...14 months after already having had 2 miscarriages. After we lost Jonah, we decided to start trying as soon as we were given the "OK" from the doctors. It's been 14 months. We decided to enlist the help of doctors. At my appointment yesterday, I was told about the first three tests that would be performed to find out if anything is physically preventing a pregnancy. Three tests...easy enough! Well, it would have been easy enough if they were covered by health insurance. 2 of them are NOT COVERED AT ALL (the other I'd just have to pay 10% or something like that). Those 2 non-covered tests would cost us well over $1500. Those 2 tests would exceed what is left of our flexible spending account. So if I have those tests done, we have NO flex money left for 2011...in the event of other medical necessities for any of us, we would have to pay completely out of pocket. I'm not comfortable with that.

So I'm stuck. I feel like it should be a no-brainer...these tests aren't "necessary" so they just don't "need" to be done.

I feel like I sort of gave up on trusting God in this one by even considering testing...and therefore I shouldn't have it done.

I feel like it's selfish of me to even consider spending that amount of my family's money on something that isn't totally needed.

Still, I want answers. But do I NEED them?

I have prayed about this extensively and have not gotten an answer...is that a sign that I need to just let it go? OR am I missing something? I really believe there is something else God wants me to know...but I'm not sure what it is. It's moments like this that I really wish God had text messaging...or email ;)

I'm discouraged...yes, even a little frustrated. Yet, I have a little peace about it. No, not peace about not being pregnant but rather peace that my faith is strong enough to see me through. In the past I might have felt like God had just forgotten me. This past year I've seen God get me through some really tough times: the mornings when I couldn't get myself out of bed, He did it for me. On days when I didn't think I could stay standing upright, He held me up. I know He will never give me more than I can handle.

SO, back to the original "gripe". What am I going to do? I don't know yet. I'm going to keep praying about it...all day Phillipians 4:4-9 has been stuck in my head:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

And don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do.

(what faith can do - kutless)