Discouragement and Faith

Today I'm feeling a little discouraged. I've spent the past 14 months fighting frustration but today, it's just discouragement. We tried for 14 months before we got pregnant with Jonah...14 months after already having had 2 miscarriages. After we lost Jonah, we decided to start trying as soon as we were given the "OK" from the doctors. It's been 14 months. We decided to enlist the help of doctors. At my appointment yesterday, I was told about the first three tests that would be performed to find out if anything is physically preventing a pregnancy. Three tests...easy enough! Well, it would have been easy enough if they were covered by health insurance. 2 of them are NOT COVERED AT ALL (the other I'd just have to pay 10% or something like that). Those 2 non-covered tests would cost us well over $1500. Those 2 tests would exceed what is left of our flexible spending account. So if I have those tests done, we have NO flex money left for 2011...in the event of other medical necessities for any of us, we would have to pay completely out of pocket. I'm not comfortable with that.

So I'm stuck. I feel like it should be a no-brainer...these tests aren't "necessary" so they just don't "need" to be done.

I feel like I sort of gave up on trusting God in this one by even considering testing...and therefore I shouldn't have it done.

I feel like it's selfish of me to even consider spending that amount of my family's money on something that isn't totally needed.

Still, I want answers. But do I NEED them?

I have prayed about this extensively and have not gotten an answer...is that a sign that I need to just let it go? OR am I missing something? I really believe there is something else God wants me to know...but I'm not sure what it is. It's moments like this that I really wish God had text messaging...or email ;)

I'm discouraged...yes, even a little frustrated. Yet, I have a little peace about it. No, not peace about not being pregnant but rather peace that my faith is strong enough to see me through. In the past I might have felt like God had just forgotten me. This past year I've seen God get me through some really tough times: the mornings when I couldn't get myself out of bed, He did it for me. On days when I didn't think I could stay standing upright, He held me up. I know He will never give me more than I can handle.

SO, back to the original "gripe". What am I going to do? I don't know yet. I'm going to keep praying about it...all day Phillipians 4:4-9 has been stuck in my head:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

And don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do.

(what faith can do - kutless)

Baby Clark is due in June 2010!!

So my goals have changed for a little while...instead of focusing on increasing my mileage and losing weight, I'm going to focus on gaining the RIGHT amount of weight this time around (NOT 60 pounds like last time!) and maintaining my fitness level throughout the pregnancy.

The first weeks have been a bit of a challenge. I've been pretty nauseous and very tired...motivating myself to run has been a challenge. But when I do get those runs in, I feel SO much better. My first appointment isn't until December 15th, when I'll be about 13 weeks. I'm hoping this time I won't have to have a c-section, either...I hope that by continuing to exercise (something I did NOT do the first time!) I will stay more fit and perhaps avoid surgery.

So this is going to be a new experience for me...running while pregnant! I'm looking forward to it!

over a year...

It's been over a year of trying to get pregnant. It's been a year of semi-craziness on my part...waking up every morning and taking my temperature, charting signs and symptoms, and hoping, every month, that we would be pregnant. And every month that dream was shattered. Some months were harder than others...the months where I was really late and thought FOR SURE it HAD to be this month that it worked! Nope.

I told Adam that I was just going to stop thinking about it. I can't. I won't lie to myself. I want more children. I will still think about it...probably not as much but I'd be silly to say I'm just going to stand idly by and hope for the best.

It is in God's hands...this much I know. I can't plan it...but I was hoping I could maybe "help it along" a little. I guess not. My help wasn't needed in that area!

Who would have thought that it would be so difficult to get pregnant when you really want to have a baby? I mean, I know there are plenty of other people out there who have tried for longer, and I feel for them, too! It just doesn't seem right...

I really hope we're able to move into our new place soon. I think moving and having to unpack, clean, decorate, etc, will help me stay focused on other things. I hope it will.

Just

I understand that things like this just happen...that something just wasn't right. I understand that most of the time, there is really no explanation to the question "why?". I know that we can (and will) try again. And I believe that God has a plan for all of us, and that sometimes the things that we want don't fit into that plan now, or even ever.

What I don't understand is why it has to hurt so much. Physical pain aside, my heart is very heavy, especially today. I went to bed last night feeling a little better, and a little less emotional. I think that is mostly due to having Adam home with me now. But this morning I woke up around 6am and couldn't seem to get comfortable in bed. I got up to take some medicine, and I watched the snow falling for a little while. I had tried to prepare myself for this but I don't think I knew what I'd be feeling today. I wasn't prepared for the emotional roller coaster. I wasn't prepared to feel so sad while watching snow fall, or to get really angry over a vacuum cleaner discussion with Adam. I didn't expect to feel completely empty one minute, and totally overwhelmed the next. I wasn't prepared to wage a mental war with myself, knowing completely that there is no reason to blame anyone, including myself, but still feeling so angry. I wasn't expecting to dream about it. I wasn't prepared to actually want to cry but not be able to. But the hardest thing for me has been closing my eyes to pray and not being able to find words. And then the best feeling comes to me...I remember that God already knows, and He doesn't need me to say anything. He knows what I'm feeling, and he knows what I need right now. I know where to go to find that, but I just haven't gotten there quite yet.

I want to say thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers for us. We love you all very much.

sigh

It was about 2pm this afternoon when I realized that I was experiencing the beginning of the end. I was waiting for my aunt to get to my house to watch Elijah while I went to the doctor, and I was doing mindless tasks to keep myself busy. Suddenly there was excruciating pain. This wasn't just cramping; it was intense pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and I found it necessary to sit down on the couch and just focus on trying to breathe through the pain. I started to wonder if I was going to be able to drive myself to the doctor's office. I really didn't want to make Elijah sit through another long appointment, however, after the 4+ hour ordeal in the ER last night. Plus, he was still napping. So I just decided to drive in pain, which turned out to be much more difficult than I expected. And as I drove, I prayed. But my prayer was different. For weeks, I have prayed so hard that God would please protect our baby, and that everything would be okay. Today, I prayed that God would help me accept what was happening, because I really didn't want to. When I got to the doctor's office, I sat in my car for a moment, still not allowing myself to believe it completely. When I finally got out of my car, I noticed the pain getting worse, and it hasn't stopped since that time...about 2:55pm.

I heard the words, and although I knew it was true, I wanted to believe that the doctor was wrong. And I told him that. He smiled and told me that he wished he was wrong. I heard all the usual things: this isn't anything you did wrong, or anything that you didn't do; this is the body's way of ending something that isn't developing right; this happens, and it sucks. And then, I heard my doctor say some things I wasn't expecting. He took the next ten minutes to tell me that I needed to allow myself to grieve, and that I could be sad for as long as I wanted. He told me that once I was feeling physically better, I should get a babysitter for the evening and Adam and I should go on a date to reconnect. He strongly urged me to realize that although it will get better, it might get worse again when I remember it in the future. And then he gave me a hug. What an amazing doctor.

Adam is on the road right now...I feel terrible that he has to deal with this alone, in his truck. He feels terrible that he can't be here with me. I wish he was here as well. The good thing for me is that I have the amazing Elijah here with me, who is being so sweet and keeps coming over to give me hugs.

But I feel so empty. And I miss our baby. And right now it is tearing me apart to know that I won't get to carry this baby and feel him/her grow inside me. I'm struggling with crazy emotions and I hear things in my head right now that I know aren't healthy. I know this is all temporary...the emotions and the physical pain. Part of me just wants to scream out that this isn't fair.

I think once I can cry, I will feel a little better. But right now, I can't seem to find the tears.

Last night I spent 4 hours in the emergency room...my spotting turned into bleeding. They collected blood, did an ultrasound and a pelvic. And now I still don't know what's going on. According to the radiologist, they couldn't see anything in my uterus that would indicate a baby...but it could be too early to see anything clearly. They couldn't see anything growing in my tubes but again, it could be too early and the baby too small. The two positives (?) to the visit were that my cervix is still closed, which would indicate that there hasn't been a miscarriage, and my hCG levels were still high, indicating I am still pregnant. But where is the baby?

I have an appointment today at 3pm with my OB. He wants to see me today to check my hCG levels again and I'm assuming we'll do a repeat ultrasound. This is all so crazy to me...I just went to the doctor on Monday and everything was fine. About 36 hours later, I was in the ER. And as much as I believe that God has a plan for all of us, and that everything happens according to His plan, I want so much for this baby to be okay.

I just looked over my discharge papers from the hospital again this morning. They sent me home with three different sets of instructions: one for pregnancy, one for miscarriage, and one for an ectopic pregnancy. I can't stand not knowing what's going on! I know I'll probably know more this afternoon but the waiting is causing me to feel crazy.

appt #1

My first OB appointment was today. I am pleased with the OB that I chose...in fact, Adam and I are both VERY pleased. My first delivery ended up being a pretty big disappointment for both of us, and we were both so unhappy with the way we were treated at the hospital and how our wishes were pretty much ignored. Today we got to sit down with Dr. Leach in his office for about 20-30 minutes prior to my exam to talk to him about health history and my pregnancy with Elijah. As we relived my first delivery with the doctor, he at one point sort of chuckled and said "This all seems unreal to me...I'm waiting for you two to tell me you're joking!" I won't go into detail about the past because, quite honestly, it's over and done and I don't want bitterness to start in me again. But one of the first things I told my new OB is that I don't want another c-section unless it's totally necessary...such as he tells me the baby is in danger. He said that's fine...he totally supports my decision to try a VBAC. I also told him that I didn't really want to be induced this time, which he is also supportive of. He said it's better for VBAC patients to go into labor on their own because there's less of a chance of the old c-section scar tearing that way. He said unless I go past the 42 week mark, he won't induce unless it's completely medically necessary. He strongly urged us to write out a birth plan. I smiled and told him that I did have a birth plan with Elijah...Adam gave it to the nurse at the hospital who pretty much smirked and said "well, just remember delivery doesn't usually go the way you want it to" and put it into the back of my chart. Dr. Leach told us that if we take the time to write a birth plan, he wants us to bring it to an appointment so we can go over it together. As long as everything on the plan is medically safe, practical and reasonable, he said he will respect it. I believe his exact words were "If you want to give birth on your hands and knees, that's fine...we'll get the baby out!"

I'm so relieved. I was worried I might have to see several doctors before Adam and I found one that we both liked and who was willing to at least let me try for a natural birth. But I have a tremendous peace about this...I feel like God pointed me in the right direction for this one. Not to say it was easy...I sat at the computer with my insurance paperwork and researched doctors for about 3 weeks! I made lists and watched video introductions that these doctors provided. I narrowed down my choices to about 4, and Dr. Leach was #1. The good thing is that this time around, I knew the questions to ask and Adam and I both know that if we're not happy with something, we just have to say something. If I had known when I was pregnant with Elijah that I could have switched OB's halfway through, there is a pretty good chance I would have. But that's water under the bridge now...

Anyway, that's my new doctor in a nutshell. He's awesome...I'm feeling good about it. I had all my lab work done this morning as well...all those vials of blood they steal from you! Dr. Leach does an ultrasound at about 10 weeks and then between 18-22 weeks. He likes to do the early ultrasound because he said that getting fetal measurements earlier provides a more accurate due date. If you wait until 18-22 weeks, there is a margin of +/- 2 weeks. At 10 weeks, there is only a margin of +/- 1 week. He said this will be particularly beneficial for me, so that we don't jump the gun on that 42 week mark for an induction. So, I'm waiting on the lab to call me to set up that first ultrasound...it will be after April 1st but before April 10th.

So that's it for now...hope everyone has a good week!