12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 5

**Day 5 (12/18): 5...Five basic senses, now stronger and enhanced. Everything I experience is on a new level now. I find that I see beauty in things that at one time were ordinary. I have always loved music and it's been a huge part of my life, but I listen to words and melodies differently now. I find myself smelling everyone's clean clothes because I can smell my husband and son's unique "smell" on them...I hope that doesn't sound too crazy! I cherish every touch from everyone, and I've NEVER been a hugger. I always have shied away from physical touch because it made me uncomfortable. Now, I especially look forward to my son and husband hugging me. I feel safer. Finally, taste. Well, I have learned to enjoy food more this year but that COULD be because I started running competitively and I'm just hungrier! However, I wouldn't have started racing when I did if I'd still been pregnant at the beginning of 2010, so I think it qualifies as a gift :)

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 4

**Day 4 (12/17): 4...Four letter words. Stick with me for a minute, I promise they are positive words! I have a different view of some four letter words in my life now.

HEAL...I thought it would just happen. I thought it would be an end point. But it's not...the heal part of losing a child is a process, and it's continual.

LIFE...my babies each had a life. They were short lives, but it was a life nonetheless. It is such a struggle but I want in MY own life to celebrate their lives. I don't want people to be afraid to talk to me about my children in Heaven. It's very hard, sometimes, because the pain of grief makes it easier to focus on losing them. But each of them had their HUMAN life, and now they each are living their heavenly life. Someday I, too, will join them. Until then, I know they are in good hands!

HOPE...some days, it feels like I have none. But I do. I hope for many things...another child to hold here on earth, a sibling that my son can play with, a heart that always trusts that there IS hope. I hope that I will meet my heavenly babies soon but I know it could be a long time. I hope that I can practice patience and focus on what God wants me to do here. I hope that my life is a reflection of my heavenly Father. I hope that He looks at me and says "Well done".

LOVE...God is love. He doesn't do things in any other manner. He didn't take my children because I did something wrong, or because I'm not a good mother, or because I'm screwing up the child I have here (yes, I did think that for a while!). He didn't take them to Heaven because he hates me, and I'm not being punished. Whatever the reason, it was done in Love...the perfect love that ONLY God can give. That perfect Love that is enough for me. I have found myself leaning more on God's love this year, and I'm finding myself closer to Him than I have ever been.

Huh...it wasn't intentional but there are 4, four letter words. :-)

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 3

**Day 3 (12/16): 3...Three angel babies. It is the number of children Adam and I have in heaven, and the number of siblings Eli has. When we lost Jonah last December, the other losses came back to me. It wasn't that I didn't think of them prior to this but very suddenly I thought of them more frequently. So many "what ifs" and "whys" really haunted me for months. Slowly I've been able to think about them all without feeling completely unstable.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 2

**Day 2 (12/15): 2...Two tiny hand prints and two tiny footprints. The hospital was so wonderful to us and took footprints, hand prints and even photos. Those prints are so precious, because I remember holding a tiny, 6 inch long and 3oz baby and marveling at how perfect everything was. I remember counting fingers and toes...and there were 10 of each. Amazing. I commented to our pastor when he came to visit that Jonah was perfect...just born too soon and everything was just too small. Sometimes it's hard to comprehend how something so small can leave such a big empty place in your heart and soul when it's not here.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 1

On another blog I follow, the writer challenged those of us who have lost children to spend "the 12 days of Christmas" thinking about the gifts, tangible or non-tangible, that we have been "left" by our child's short life. There aren't many tangible things that we have from Jonah (although there are a few), but because of that, I've been almost forced to focus more on what isn't seen with my eyes or held in my hands. I'm taking this "challenge" because this month is really hard, harder than I'll admit to anyone (myself included). I need something. I'm not sure I'll be able to follow the "12 days format" of having the exact number of something for each day (12 things on day 12, for instance) but we'll see. What a year 2010 has been!

**Day 1 (12/14): 1...One big brother who cherishes the memory of his baby brother that he'll only get to meet in Heaven someday. Elijah plays with his toy nativity set and calls baby Jesus "baby Jonah". If I correct him, he just tells me that it's "baby Jonah". Elijah accepts the fact that Jonah isn't here, and tells me that someday he'll play with him in Heaven. My 4 year old reminds me that sometimes it's easier to accept, remember, and look to the future instead of questioning the "whys" and "hows" of what has already happened.

I'm a slacker

I have seriously neglected my blog. Note to self...UPDATE SOON!

June 23rd, 2010

June 23rd, 2010.

Today was Jonah's due date. Today should have been a day of anticipation, excitement, relief, rejoicing, happiness or any other number of positive emotions.

Instead, it's a day I've been dreading since my birthday. I woke up the morning of my birthday and the very first thing that came to mind was "Today, I would have been 37 weeks pregnant. 37 weeks...that magic number when usually everything is 'green light' for delivery." Happy birthday? huh...

So for the past 20 days, I've dreaded the next day...knowing that my "due date" was coming, and wondering just what the day would be like. I'm sure the whole day won't be as bad as the days that have led up to it. I pray that the whole day won't be as bad as the days that led up to it.

I did a pretty good job convincing myself for the past 6 months that things are "OKAY"...that I'm healing and just moving along like I should. But June 2nd shook things up. That's the crappy thing about grief...you might be okay one day and pretty "not okay" the next. Maybe I just couldn't fully deal with everything until now, or maybe I just didn't want to. I don't know if I want to now. I don't know. All I know is that I think it really sucks that Jonah has 2 days...his due date and his birthday, and that neither day puts him here on earth with us. Neither of his days can be greeted with hugs and kisses and birthday cake and balloons. Instead, both days leave me with a bad taste in my mouth, and an empty place in my heart, arms and life.

I have one plan for today, and that is to just to get through until bedtime. After all, tomorrow is June 24th, and although it won't erase all the feelings, it's a day with no real emotional connection to it.

huh...what else can I say really...?

Dear God, if You're listening (and I know you are), give my little boy a hug and kiss for me. Thank you.