12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 8

**Day 8 (12/21): 8...eight little letters --> ILOVEYOU. I say it more often and I think about the people I love more often. Life is fragile, and it can be gone in a mere heartbeat. It's become more important to me this year especially to make sure the ones I love know just how much they mean to me.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 7

**Day 7 (12/20): 7...Seven special days. What makes them really special to me is I get seven special days every week for the rest of my earthly life. It seems so simple, but I don't think I really relished every day in the past, at least not like I did this year. This year, every day was amazing in some way. Some days were terrible, some days were great; some days were too cold for my liking, others too hot; some days my Elijah was just a handful of preschool madness and craziness, others he was so well-behaved I began to wonder if he was the same kid! Some days we ate frozen pizza for dinner, some days I managed an awesome pot roast with mashed potatoes and some amazing lemon-garlic green beans. Some days I felt on top of the world, while other days I thought I couldn't crawl out of the hole that I seemed to be hiding in. But looking back, I was given 7 days every week to be alive. I am given 7 days a week to fulfill my purpose here on earth...what am I doing with those days? This year, I spent those days learning to keep faith in my Father, hope in the future He has planned for me, and remembering that my life here should be reflecting His love. My angel babies never got one day here on Earth, and I get 7 every week...7 special days every week to live walking in faith until I see my entire heavenly family someday.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 6

**Day 6 (12/19): 6...Six words from a favorite hymn: STANDING ON THE PROMISES OF GOD. I remember singing this song especially as a child, and I remember how the words and melody were simple enough that our rather small Baptist congregation would belt it out at the top of our lungs. A simple message...we can trust our God, because HE follows through on his promises to us. And I will continue to rest in MY savior as my "all in all".

Standing on the promises of Christ my King!

Through eternal ages let his praises ring!

Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing!

Standing on the promises of God.

(Refrain:)

Standing, standing,

standing on the promises of Christ my Savior!

Standing, standing...

I'm standing on the promises of God!

Standing on the promises that cannot fail,

when the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,

by the living Word of God I shall prevail,

standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises I now can see,

perfect, present cleansing in the blood for me,

standing in the liberty where Christ makes free,

standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord,

bound to him eternally by love's strong cord,

overcoming daily with the Spirit's sword,

standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises I cannot fall,

listening every moment to the Spirit's call,

resting in my Savior as my all in all,

standing on the promises of God.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 5

**Day 5 (12/18): 5...Five basic senses, now stronger and enhanced. Everything I experience is on a new level now. I find that I see beauty in things that at one time were ordinary. I have always loved music and it's been a huge part of my life, but I listen to words and melodies differently now. I find myself smelling everyone's clean clothes because I can smell my husband and son's unique "smell" on them...I hope that doesn't sound too crazy! I cherish every touch from everyone, and I've NEVER been a hugger. I always have shied away from physical touch because it made me uncomfortable. Now, I especially look forward to my son and husband hugging me. I feel safer. Finally, taste. Well, I have learned to enjoy food more this year but that COULD be because I started running competitively and I'm just hungrier! However, I wouldn't have started racing when I did if I'd still been pregnant at the beginning of 2010, so I think it qualifies as a gift :)

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 4

**Day 4 (12/17): 4...Four letter words. Stick with me for a minute, I promise they are positive words! I have a different view of some four letter words in my life now.

HEAL...I thought it would just happen. I thought it would be an end point. But it's not...the heal part of losing a child is a process, and it's continual.

LIFE...my babies each had a life. They were short lives, but it was a life nonetheless. It is such a struggle but I want in MY own life to celebrate their lives. I don't want people to be afraid to talk to me about my children in Heaven. It's very hard, sometimes, because the pain of grief makes it easier to focus on losing them. But each of them had their HUMAN life, and now they each are living their heavenly life. Someday I, too, will join them. Until then, I know they are in good hands!

HOPE...some days, it feels like I have none. But I do. I hope for many things...another child to hold here on earth, a sibling that my son can play with, a heart that always trusts that there IS hope. I hope that I will meet my heavenly babies soon but I know it could be a long time. I hope that I can practice patience and focus on what God wants me to do here. I hope that my life is a reflection of my heavenly Father. I hope that He looks at me and says "Well done".

LOVE...God is love. He doesn't do things in any other manner. He didn't take my children because I did something wrong, or because I'm not a good mother, or because I'm screwing up the child I have here (yes, I did think that for a while!). He didn't take them to Heaven because he hates me, and I'm not being punished. Whatever the reason, it was done in Love...the perfect love that ONLY God can give. That perfect Love that is enough for me. I have found myself leaning more on God's love this year, and I'm finding myself closer to Him than I have ever been.

Huh...it wasn't intentional but there are 4, four letter words. :-)

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 3

**Day 3 (12/16): 3...Three angel babies. It is the number of children Adam and I have in heaven, and the number of siblings Eli has. When we lost Jonah last December, the other losses came back to me. It wasn't that I didn't think of them prior to this but very suddenly I thought of them more frequently. So many "what ifs" and "whys" really haunted me for months. Slowly I've been able to think about them all without feeling completely unstable.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 2

**Day 2 (12/15): 2...Two tiny hand prints and two tiny footprints. The hospital was so wonderful to us and took footprints, hand prints and even photos. Those prints are so precious, because I remember holding a tiny, 6 inch long and 3oz baby and marveling at how perfect everything was. I remember counting fingers and toes...and there were 10 of each. Amazing. I commented to our pastor when he came to visit that Jonah was perfect...just born too soon and everything was just too small. Sometimes it's hard to comprehend how something so small can leave such a big empty place in your heart and soul when it's not here.