Be Still...

"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10a

I have a tough time with this. You see, my Type A personality gets in the way...a lot. When there is a crisis (or perceived crisis), I like to act on it and start to fix it. When there is something that needs to get done (or I think needs to get done!), I like to get an action plan and then get the plan into action! I like to figure things out, to understand not only the answer to something but how I got there, and WHY it happened and HOW I can use it in the future or prevent it from happening again. When I worked as a manager, I filled my office and store with charts, graphs, spreadsheets, lists and everything was color-coded somehow...even the managers who worked under me had colors assigned to them! I like order, and I like routine. I like to know what's coming next. I get a little unnerved if someone tries to adjust my organizing.

I like control. (There...I said it!)

So it's very difficult for me when God tells me to "be still". I heard it quite a few times in 2010 but I find that I'm hearing it more frequently this year. There is a handful of things that I've been praying about that I've been told to just "be still" about. One that comes to mind is children. After well over a year of not getting pregnant, we decided to jump on the "infertility bandwagon" and start testing. We were on board and ready to go...until I actually got to the doctor and they told me how much it was going to cost us. Insurance companies don't like to pay for that. I came home with 3 appointments that had to be set up for 3 tests. But I had this nagging feeling that I shouldn't do it. The cost was a big factor; however, there was something else. I felt like God was trying to tell me something else. After 2 days of conversing with God about it, He finally told me: "BE STILL".

What? I wasn't ready for that. I was ready for either a "Yes, you should do it" or "No, you should not do it". But instead I got the God version of  "maybe...but not now".  It kind of felt like God was telling me the topic isn't closed but we're not going to finish the discussion just yet. I resisted...you see, I like control. God reminded me that I relinquished that control to Him. Ah...I did, didn't I? And that is what I wanted, and still desire. So I said okay...I'll just move that topic to the back burner for now. Strangely, I have some peace with that.

Next thing I decided to take up with God was adoption. Well, I guess that has been a topic between us for more than just a little while. Adam and I have discussed this and we feel that it could be part of our future. But there is this twinge of something that prevents me from jumping into that one with both feet just yet. God didn't say yes or no...He told me to "be still".

Now, I think if God told me this for EVERYTHING that I brought to Him in prayer, I'd be more than just a little frustrated! But He has given me a yes or no answer to many things already. It's been kind of cool for me this year to realize that I can see those yes/no answers sometimes! And just when I was getting comfortable with that, God threw the "be still" answer into the mix. It's hard, because I want to start throwing stuff into Excel and constructing nifty charts to help me make decisions.

That, however, isn't how I decided my life was going to be anymore. I decided that God was back in control, and that I trust that He knows better than I do. It means I believe God when He tells me "I am whatever and everything you could possibly need in this situation. Trust me...I've got your back!"

So when God tells me to be still, I really try to comply.