God loves me :)

Today, while driving around doing errands, I heard a song that really put some things into perspective for me. I cried for a moment in the Target parking lot, but it was okay today...even through the hurt, I know that my God loves me. Sometimes it's very easy to forget that God loves us when things are bad because we just feel crappy. But today, while just driving alone with my own thoughts to keep me company, I felt that love and presence so much...and I was so thankful. I know things aren't going to magically be "all better" tomorrow, or even next year. But my God loves me and for me, that is enough to get me through each day.

**MORE** - Matthew West

Take a look at the mountain
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to me
And I want you to know
I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me

Happy Birthday, Jonah

I can't even really start to express just how much I've been dreading today. I just knew that it would be hard, and I knew that I didn't know what to expect. I didn't expect everything to start unraveling last night, but it did. I didn't expect to wake up at 5am this morning and not be able to fall back asleep (*that* happened last year, too...). but I did. Elijah and I already had plans for today. I had asked Eli a few weeks ago what he thought his baby brother would want for his birthday, and Eli said (without much thought!) that Jonah would want cookies and balloons. Well, I hope Oreos are okay because baking did NOT happen today! Balloons, however, did. Eli and I sat down late this morning and made a special card:

Eli wanted to sign his name, and Dad's as well. He picked each sticker by himself. He thought the smiley faces would make Jonah happy. And he thought Jonah would like the octopus because it was green, and the hippo because it was "fat and blue". Then he decided to write "love" and draw some circles and triangles. Then we headed to florist for some helium balloons:

Eli decided that Jonah's favorite colors were blue and green (like his own!) and I made sure we got a blue balloon for Eli as well. Then we headed to the park:

After I took the pictures, I asked Eli is he was ready to let the balloons go outside. He got a little anxious and accidentally let them go inside that little shelter...and they got stuck at the top!

First I tried to move the picnic table, which was frozen to the ground. Well, I wasn't giving up...I yanked at it until it moved!

Then I climbed up to rescue the balloons. I could grab the green one by the string but the blue one had a string that was just a little too short. The blue one...with the special note attached. I tried jumping but it was just out of my reach. I tried to smack it with the green balloon...didn't work. I tried to wrap the green balloon string around the blue balloon string and yank it down. Nothing was working, and by that time the tears had started. I kept reminding myself that it wasn't about the balloon...but I WANTED THAT BALLOON. And as I cried a little and prayed that the balloon would just come down, the wind blew and the balloon came a little lower. I still had to do the "wrap and yank" method but finally, I had two balloon strings in my hand. Thank you, God...really...thank you. So we tried again, and THIS time I told Eli to hold tight until we were outside!

It was a good balloon launch. It was a pretty foggy day but we watched the balloons until we couldn't see them anymore. I asked Elijah on the walk back to the car how long he thought it would take the balloons to get to heaven and he said "um, probably like 5 minutes". Eli asked if he could take a picture for Jonah:

He thought Jonah would like the little Christmas tree :-)

Misc. Elijah:

He's getting so big. Sometimes it really catches me off guard! His hat is awesome, don't you think?

The name Jonah means "dove", which really played a role in my part of the decision in naming our little boy. This past February I noticed we have two mourning doves that hang out in the tree in front of our house. Coincidence, perhaps...to a grieving mommy, it's nothing short of a miracle direct from God. When we moved into this half of the house in July, I anxiously waited to see if I would see the pair. I can only see them if I'm at the window in Elijah's room, or the window in our spare bedroom. During the summer and autumn, sometimes I'd wake up early with the sunrise and sneak into the spare room to watch for the pair. Some days I saw them, some days I didn't. I wished so much that I could see them all day, every day. As of Christmas Eve, I have a dove in my window permanently:

Today was so dreary and gloomy, but I'm anxious for some sunlight to come through that dove. Right now he's hanging out in our dining room window, so he will hopefully catch the afternoon sun through that bare tree in our backyard. I think in the spring and summer, I might move him to the living room so he can see the morning sun, too. A little research provided the following information about the symbolism of a dove:

Symbolism of Mourning Doves

By virtue of their melancholy call, Mourning Doves have been fittingly named as such. Their distinctive “wooo-oo-oo-oo” sounds may evoke a feeling of grief over the loss of a dearly beloved. But far from representing death, the symbolism of Mourning Doves is actually more optimistic and spiritual. Beyond their sorrowful song is a message of life, hope, renewal and peace.

Among all the birds, the Mourning Dove prides itself as the celebrated bird – gracing sacred scripture (The Holy Bible under the Christian Faith) and appearing as a recurring icon in our lives. What does the Mourning Dove symbolize? Below are the traditional and primary concepts it epitomizes:

• A symbol of the Holy Spirit

The Holy Spirit, one of the figures of the Holy Trinity (The Christian Doctrine advancing the belief that God exists in 3 persons: Father, Son and Spirit) is depicted as a dove in the baptism of Jesus. According to the Bible, when Jesus emerged from the water, a dove from heaven descended upon him. Baptism is a Christian Sacrament of spiritual rebirth by which we our “cleansed” of our “original sin,” and the Holy Spirit places us in permanent union in Christ, and makes us a formal member of the Christian Community.

• A symbol of Hope

In the Noah’s Ark story, God decided to create a big flood to wipe out all the people on earth, except for Noah and his family. After forty days and forty nights, Noah released a raven to look for dry land. When the raven returned without success, a dove was then released. The dove, thereafter, flew back triumphantly with an olive leaf. Noah was pleased. It brought reassurance that trees were growing on dry land – a certain sign of life! The dove stood, therefore for new beginnings, great expectations and deliverance.

• A symbol of Peace

Although it is a white dove that typically represents peace and safety, Mourning Doves may also represent the same. The states of Wisconsin and Michigan regard the Mourning Dove as their official state symbol of peace. Pablo Picasso, the famous Spanish artist, when commissioned to design the logo for the World Peace Congress in 1949, drew a dove entitled “Dove of Peace-Blue.” It is because of their simple and maternal nature that doves have become a symbol of solidarity and concord among nations.

My day is pretty close to done. It's almost 8pm which means soon, Elijah will be in bed. Adam is working tonight and honestly, I think the quiet will feel a bit lonely. Tomorrow will be a new day, and although I know the hurt won't be completely gone, I know that I'll be able to remember today as "okay". It wasn't easy, but it wasn't terrible. I allowed myself to cry, which I don't do every day. I'm ready for the hurt to be gone, but I'm pretty certain that won't be anytime soon. I don't know when I'll be able to actually see and hold my baby Jonah again, or if he'll even be a baby when I do, but I do know that I'm one day closer.

"I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone, how can I carry on

if I can't find You?

and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away."

Psalm 121: 1-2

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth"

My storm...

I don't know...I really didn't expect to fall apart like this until tomorrow but I really don't know that I can make it through RIGHT NOW, much less tomorrow...

Praise You in This Storm --Casting Crowns--

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away,

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen

and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone how can I carry on

if I can't find You

and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Remember Me --Mark Schultz--

Remember me

In a Bible cracked and faded by the years

Remember me

In a santuary filled with silent prayers

And age to age

And heart to heart

Bound by grace and peace

Child of wonder, Child of God

I'll remember you

Remember Me

Remember me

When the color of the sunset fills the sky

Remember me

When you pray and the tears of joy

fall from your eyes

Remember me

When the children leave

their Sunday school with smiles

Remember me

When they're old enough to teach

Old enough to preach

Old enough to leave

Age to age and heart to heart

Child of wonder child of God

Held--Natalie Grant--

Two months is too little.

They let him go.

They had no sudden healing.

To think that providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prays

Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We're asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?

It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.

We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.

The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering.

If this is only the beginning.

Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held.

I feel like a hypocrite...

I am having a very hard time right now. I spent the past 12 days focusing on all of the positive things that I have gained this year, positive and happy things despite the sad things. I truly believe the things I said but...

I feel hypocritical. It started Christmas Eve. It started with an innocent shirt on a child...a shirt that said "My first Christmas". And suddenly my world stated to fall apart at the seams a little. I swallowed most of the hurt and grief and just tried to go on but it seemed that the harder I tried, the more it hurt. I really tried to focus once again on the "happy things", but they seemed so trivial. I reminded myself that my special Jonah got to spend his first Christmas with Jesus, and selfishness took over and I felt a twinge of anger and sadness because I wanted him HERE. I scolded myself on Christmas morning and reminded myself to be happy for the things I DO have here...my family, my friends, my husband, my Elijah, my cats, my life, my God. I tried all day on Christmas to remember the positive...

but I just don't want to be positive right now.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 12

On another blog I follow, the writer challenged those of us who have lost children to spend "the 12 days of Christmas" thinking about the gifts, tangible or non-tangible, that we have been "left" by our child's short life. There aren't many tangible things that we have from Jonah (although there are a few), but because of that, I've been almost forced to focus more on what isn't seen with my eyes or held in my hands. I'm taking this "challenge" because this month is really hard, harder than I'll admit to anyone (myself included). I need something. I'm not sure I'll be able to follow the "12 days format" of having the exact number of something for each day (12 things on day 12, for instance) but we'll see. What a year 2010 has been!

**Day 12 (12/25): 12...twelve amazing Tuesdays. Every third Tuesday of each month, I spend about 2 hours with some of the most amazing women I have ever met. It is a time for laughter, tears, joy, heartache, questions, advice, memories, hope and love. On these Tuesdays I get to meet with other mommies like me...mommies who have children in heaven waiting for them. Women who have other children, and some who don't yet. Women who know that sometimes it takes all of my strength just to get out of bed. They understand that some days it hurts so much, I don't know if I can go on. They understand that sometimes, I can smile and be happy that my children are already with Jesus, safe from all harm. They nod in understanding when I express frustration because I can't know all the "why's". They know just what it feels like to miss someone that was only here for a brief moment in time. They are there to gently remind me that it's okay to hurt, it's okay to not hurt...it's quite all right to just be confused! They are all such amazing, Godly women and I don't know if they realize the profound effect they have had in my life. I spent 2010 striving to become a stronger woman of God and I truly believe they have helped me stay on that path and make some advances in that direction.

Some of these women lost their children years ago, and honestly, at first that was very hard for me. It was hard for me to realize and accept that 4-5 years from now, I will still miss my babies so much that I don't want to get out of bed. But they have shared ideas and ways that they have celebrated their child's lives, no matter how brief it was here on earth; it helped me to have that same desire.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 11

**Day 11 (12/24): 11...Hebrews chapter eleven. The entire chapter talks about what faith can do, and what it actually DID for some people. Verse one says: "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see," and Verse six says: "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

This entire year has been a true walk of faith for me. I can't say it's been easy. But God and I had several long chats during which I expressed my desire to live a life of faith, not just hope. I won't lie...I hope we have more kids! But I have faith that whatever happens, it's truly part of God's plan for me. I can't say that I always like to admit that I'm not in control of things but slowly, it's becoming easier for me to just allow God to have that control of me. My life here is temporary...my true home is in heaven someday. But what I do here is important, and I want my life to be a true representation of God. I have come to understand that life isn't always easy for the faithful believer, but I can't imagine living my life any other way. I put my faith in God a long time ago, and daily I recommit to Him in faith. For me, it's the only way.

12 days of gifts from Jonah - Day 10

**Day 10 (12/23): 10...ten inches squared. When the nurses in the hospital brought Jonah into my room for us, he was wrapped in a tiny blue blanket that measured 10in x 10in. 10 square inches of blue, fuzzy blanket for a tiny baby. I keep it in Jonah's memory box for the most part, but some times I take it out to hold it for just a moment or two. Sometimes I wish that it smelled like a "real" baby blanket, but if I close my eyes, sometimes I can imagine that new baby smell. I wonder if babies have that new baby smell in Heaven?