Tiny flickers of hope...

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. ~Psalm 116:7~
But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; 
my God will hear me. ~Micah 7:7~

This past year, I started something new. It started late this summer when we had moved into our new house. I started a simple act that proved more meaningful than I expected, something that started "just because" and became some of my most precious moments during the second half of 2011. Something that nobody knew the meaning of except for me.

I started to light a candle.

Not just any candle. I light candles a lot, especially in the winter. Rather I started to light a specific candle at various times throughout the day. I found this candle to be the most beautiful candle I had ever experienced.

This simple candle had become my little Jonah.

You see, for whatever reason, when I lit this candle in the middle of our dining room table for the first time so many months ago, I started to think about my little boy. It wasn't all sad thoughts, though. Instead, there were some peaceful thoughts...thoughts about what he might be doing up in heaven. Thoughts about what heaven must be like. Thoughts about how wonderful it must be to spend every moment of eternity with our Savior. Thoughts about how someday I get to be there...

forever.

A candle did this for me. A candle prompted me to really spend more than just a moment thinking about what I've been given. I'm the child of an Almighty God who willingly gave His only Son as a sacrifice so that I could be part of HIS FAMILY and live forever with Him.

wow...

I have more children in heaven than I will probably have here on Earth. I often look at Elijah and realize he doesn't even know that he's one of six. Because I know just how fragile life is, I try to cherish everything, even the seemingly small things, because I feel blessed that I have him...he's a gift in so many ways. If someone came to me today and said  "Hey, if you are willing, your son Elijah can sacrificially save the world from 'X,Y, and Z'!" I would take Eli and run the other direction as fast as I possibly could. I wouldn't stop until I was so far away that I felt safe...and I would drop off the grid and nobody would see us again. Yeah...I'm serious. I won't dwell on this thought because I'm pretty certain it's not going to come to that! :-) My point is that God did what I know I could never do...

for me...for you...for anyone who wants it.

This hasn't really made the whole thing easier for me, however. December sucks...it is really a hard month. I realized last year, and then again this year, that losing Jonah in December 2009 now causes me to think about and grieve the losses of all my children. It's like I get to the end of the year and suddenly get bombarded with memories and grief all over again. It makes me sad. I think about each child not only on the day they went to heaven, but also random times throughout the year. A mother doesn't forget her children, even when they're not in her sight. And then in December, I get to remember all over again...

and then again...and again...

I'm no fun to be around in December. I don't want it to be this way, and this year I tried (really, I did...) to be a bit more pleasant. It didn't work. We wouldn't have put up any Christmas decorations if Adam hadn't pulled the decoration totes out of the closet and left them pretty much in the middle of the living room floor. I want Eli to have good memories of his childhood Christmases. I want to share with him the true joy and happiness that can be found in the true meaning of Christmas. I want him to grow up knowing just how special the birth of Jesus is for all of us. I want everyone to be happy, myself included...

but it's hard to do when you hurt...

when all you really want to do is crawl in a hole until January 1st.

Back to the candle. The first candle that I was lighting eventually became unusable. I wondered what I would do...I mean, the candle that suddenly had HUGE meaning to me was gone. I pondered this for a few days before I decided to just get another candle for the holder. I wondered if I would get the same feelings, or this new candle would just be like any other random candle. So I lit the new candle...

and I thought about my little Jonah,

 and about my babies who are with him right now.

It wasn't the object that held meaning...it was the symbolism, and the feelings, and the memories. It was that bright flame on both candles that flickered just enough to touch my heart, and made me smile when I wanted to cry. It was that little light that helped me remember how close my God always is to me, even when I feel like He is so far away. It was remembering the intense love I feel for all my children, and being reminded that my heavenly Father loves all His children SO MUCH. It was that small flame that reminded me again that my babies spent their first birthday and their first Christmas in heaven...with Jesus. I'll bet they got to sit right on Jesus' lap and hear the Christmas story from Him...and they get to celebrate His special birthday WITH HIM every year!  It [lighting a candle] was something I had done thousands of times before in my lifetime, but one day, lighting a candle suddenly held new meaning for me. A candle...it can't replace those who aren't here, but it somehow helps me feel a little closer to them. So I light that candle often...sometimes in the middle of the day when I'm sitting at the table on the computer or doing my devotions. Sometimes I light it at night, when I know I'll be walking past the table many times. The candle was lit for Thanksgiving dinner, and for Christmas dinner...in fact, for many dinners during these past few months. My babies were there with us...at least in my heart and mind. Seeing the small flame makes me realize that five tiny souls have impacted my life in an enormous way. Losing them was heart-wrenching, but realizing that I am who I am today because of all my past experiences helps to ignite that flame of hope in me...

sometimes just enough so I know 

I can make it through the next tough moment.

I've met so many other moms in the past 2 years who have lost children. We all agree that we can never understand God's ways, see His master plan or completely know how our child's brief life is part of that plan. It's hard, because I formulate theories about "why" and think about how it might all work. And then I realize that it's just silly to do that because, well, I'm not God and I can't possibly figure it all out! I don't get it...I don't know that I'll ever understand why I've gone through this so many times. I don't know if my mind could really grasp the magnitude of God's plan right now anyway. I have to remind myself often that someday I'll understand, but for now I just need to keep trusting Him. After all, when I look back on my life, it's the times that I trusted Him that things went the most smoothly. Remembering this doesn't make it easier to miss my kids...it just gives me hope. Sometimes a tiny bit of hope is all it takes for me to be "okay" in that moment.

The candle burns in our house more days than not. It's just a small thing that has touched my life in so many ways. A simple candle...a tiny flame...

a heart that still has hope.

Happy Birthday, little Jonah. 

Thanks for everything your brief life on earth has taught me the past 2 years...

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or 

crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. ~Revelation 21:4~

Running with birds...

Have you ever stopped to watch a large bird soaring above you in the sky? I don't mean casually looking up and thinking "oh hey, look at the bird flying"; I mean really watching the act of soaring? Today I became totally engrossed in it...completely intrigued. I was out for a long run and happened to notice a group of 4 large birds above me, soaring. I couldn't avert my eyes because the longer I watched, the more beautiful it became. They looked so graceful, and their movements seemed so effortless. They just left their wings out wide and soared above me in the blue sky, and it seemed so peaceful. Soon, they were out of my sight and I started running again, which I'm fairly certain did not look nearly as beautiful as the soaring birds!

As I was running, I started to think about Isaiah 40:31 -


"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (NIV)


I have always loved this verse. When I first memorized the verse many years ago, it was in the King James version, which says "...those who wait upon the LORD..."  Waiting, hoping...not inactively sitting and moping,  but rather knowing that our strength is coming from our Heavenly Father. Instead of hoping for the best or hoping that I can make the outcome good, it's a sense of peace knowing that God is working everything together for me...that He really does have a great plan for my life. It's trusting Him, and looking to Him for the help that I need in every moment of every day. It's knowing that this life is not all there is for me; I have something more to look forward to. Hope is a tricky thing, because it's not linear. You don't just start "getting hope" and then you always get more as time passes. Instead, you can have much hope at any given time and suddenly lose it, or see it diminish. Why? Why if I'm really hoping in the Lord, or waiting on God, would my hope falter?

Then I started thinking about renewing strength. The last thing I "renewed" was a library book. What did that mean, exactly? It means I get to keep the book longer! Huh...so if I'm hoping in the Lord, and waiting on God, I get to keep my strength longer? Interesting thought! :)

Soaring...on wings of eagles. Watching an eagle soar is amazing. They are such large, powerful birds. They are beautiful to watch, as they soar swiftly and seemingly effortlessly in the sky. I remember learning as a child that bird's bones are hollow and lightweight. And yet, those bones are inside such a strong creature. Can I really soar like an eagle with God? Will my life really ever seem like soaring? Can I be strong, like those eagles, with God? I already knew the answer, of course.

I know I can...and I know that God and I mutually agree that we both want this!

Suddenly my iPod switched songs...I swear I am NOT lying when I say the song "Everlasting God" came on. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord..."  This is so true! When I'm actively putting my hope where it belongs...in my Father above...I do feel like I'm a stronger person, and I know that strength is God's awesome power. I feel like things aren't quite so bleak. It's when that hope wilts that the intricately woven threads of my life seem to start unraveling, and I start to feel, well,

hopeless.

It isn't always easy to remain hopeful in God. It isn't always easy to trust Him. It sure isn't easy to believe in a better outcome when life is throwing daggers at you from every direction. Life hurts sometimes, and it's much easier to just feel sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for myself usually just makes me more miserable. On the other hand, I know what it feels like to feel hopeful IN GOD. I've been there, and to be honest, I really like to be there. I try to stay there, seated at the feet of the Almighty, knowing that His strength is perfect. It's a good place for me to be. The longer I stay there, the easier it becomes to stay. I may not ever soar through life effortlessly, but I've seen how great life is when I keep my eyes turned upward - not to watch the eagles, but to look to my Almighty Father.

School days

Hard to believe how big he is already...next year is kindergarten!

New preschool for him this year but it doesn't seem to be phasing him. I think I was more worked up over the school change than he was! He just really likes going to school. I'm so glad he has the opportunity to attend a good school, and that he enjoys it so much. I always liked school and I think the experiences I had and the knowledge that I gained from my school years are so valuable to me...I hope Eli continues to enjoy school!

Field trip - Jacobson Bear Creek Park

I had planned this as a late morning trip to a park we hadn't been to yet. On the agenda was a picnic lunch, followed by a walk to explore the trails in the small wooded area. Eli had other plans in mind, I guess! Let's recap through some pictures, shall we?

Eli took this picture on the way to the park. He is enamored by our town's water tower...thinks it's pretty cool.

Entrance to the park

"Mom, can I run over there before lunch?" Yup!

"Mom, can I stand on the table before lunch?" Sure, why not?!

Just a few pictures from around the picnic tables.

 Yummy lunch...string cheese, grapes, hard-boiled eggs, apples, PBJ (sans crust, of course) for Eli

AND

Diet Coke for me, of course :-P

"Mom, why do we eat celery with peanut butter?"

"MOM, this is really crunchy and tasty!" Those were his actual words...little goof!

So, we finished lunch and began our walk into the wooded area. Eli was talking my ear off the entire time about bugs, squirrels and birds. 

THIS is where it got good...he's walking with his back to me and suddenly stops, turns around and says

"Hey Mom, did you know that 7+5 is 12? And I know that 6+6 is 12, too! Did you know that 8+7 is 15? And know what else? 9+4 is 13!"

I tripped...literally. I was trying to take his picture while walking toward him as he was doing what I would say is "Preschool AP Math" in his head. And I tripped over a tree root. This is the picture I got when I fell!

Okay, so I picked myself up and asked him where he learned that. He said "Oh, I don't remember. Sometimes you help me do math but I think that stuff was just in my brain." Yeah...no kidding! I think I was still counting on my fingers at 4.5 years old! Good grief. But as soon as it began, it was over:

"Look Mom...it's an acorn!" Nope...black walnut. "Yeah, that's what I said, Mom...walnut." Sure ya did...

He was having a blast taking pictures of all sorts of things.

"MOM! Come on...keep up with me!" He took off walking super fast...almost lost him around the tree in the picture below on the right!

It was at the end of the trail that we noticed that many of the trees had signs on them for identification purposes. Eli was super excited by this and we had to walk the trail in reverse to look for trees with signs.

  

 
He wanted pictures of all the trees with leaves next to the signs but I was unable to reach leaves from the tall trees...sycamore, honey locust, etc. He seemed to understand :)

And finally, some misc. pictures:

  

Eli loves these toys. Anytime we go to a park with one of them, he says he "has to do his work" with these! :-)

All in all, we had a productive "field trip". Lunch time was for discussing healthy food (minus Mom's Diet Coke, of course!), there was some math class, some biology and botany, and of course, PE at the end! Productive schooling followed by nap time for a sleepy little guy!

Moving on...with God

"If you wait, your heavenly Father will pick you up, carry you out into the night, and make your life sparkle. He wants to dazzle you with the wonder of his love."
     A Praying Life: Connecting with God in a Distracting World - Paul Miller


A mere two Sundays ago, we had a sermon on grace, power and thorns in our flesh. Our pastor asked the question "How do you deal when you ask 'How long?' and God replies with 'Longer...' ?" What do you do when that thorn won't go away? (It was a very powerful sermon...if you'd like to see the sermon notes, go HERE) It's easy to pray and ask God to take it away, or to ask for relief. It's pretty easy to ask for an answer...but usually what we really want is an answer that aligns with our own desires. For me, it's really easy to say I'll patiently wait on Him, but deep down I think I mean I'll wait as long as I get my way. What I don't always understand is why I'm being made to wait. What I realized that Sunday is sometimes I don't think that God is enough...that I don't always completely lean on Him to get me through everything. I try; however, there are some issues that I just haven't fully trusted God to take care of completely for me. It's hard. It's really tough for me to let go of that control.

There was something said that Sunday that still resonates with me. Pastor Staff said "You have a Father who knows best how to so orchestrate what is going on in your life to “turn you” (if needed), to check up and root out pride (if necessary), to shape your character and life so that you 'get out of the way' and God’s power can begin to shine through".  I was talking with a good friend recently and she asked me "What do you really want, Sandy? Tell me the words again." And I told her...honestly, I want what God wants for me, even though I don't always act like it. That is my heart's desire, plain and simple. I pray that He will show me what that is, because I'm pretty clueless about it most of the time!


In her book, A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God’s Sovereignty, Joni Eareckson Tada writes “This is the lesson I've learned in the wheelchair for so many years—and have to relearn in these days (and nights) of unremitting pain. Sometimes you have to take what’s left and coax out of life something new and different…God is the one who finds incomparable beauty and makes matchless music using the most unexpected and unlikely of instruments.”  Something about hearing this made me sit up a bit and say "hmmmm".


 Maybe my thorns aren't going away because I'm looking for the wrong way to get rid of it.


True, I'm trying to focus on God to help me but maybe I'm missing the point. Instead of trying to fix my issue with nails, perhaps this time I need glue. Know what I'm getting at? Is it really possible that the solution I thought was correct is wrong?

Yeah...I got all sorts of confused and conflicted and inward the week following this sermon. Then, God decided to (very lovingly and gently) throw another brick at my head (perhaps that analogy is a bit harsh, but it certainly felt like a brick!) Last Sunday the topic of our sermon was

"What is your next step in the Lord?"

Wait, it gets better...I think I know what it is! God was pretty direct, and I've got a pretty good idea of what I think that next step is supposed to be.

But I'm having a hard time letting go of my own desires...

I'm having a tough time trusting completely that God knows best (even though I've seen the amazing things He's done in me already)...

I'm having a really, really hard time giving up complete control, even though I want to...

For now, I pray. I ask that I can let go, and completely desire God's will in my life, even if it's not exactly what I thought I might do.

God knows best.

I know this is true. I pray for my stubbornness to subside, and for an open heart. Deep down, I know that if it's God's will, it will truly be beautiful. Whatever happens, I can do it because God is moving with me. 

Shooting stars

I have this "thing" about shooting stars. I really like them...always have. But that's not my "thing"...

I truly believe that we are given "signs" and things like that from God. I truly believe that when our hearts hurt and  our vision gets clouded because of emotion, God uses whatever He can to break through and remind us that He loves us so much. I'm also pretty certain that I miss these signs sometimes. But there are times when it's undeniable for me. I can be having a really tough day when I'm feeling like a failure and Elijah will walk up out of the blue, give me a hug and say "You're my best mommy in the whole wide world!". Now, of course, I am his ONLY mommy but that is unimportant. I feel better. My kid likes me! Now, I'm sure that he loves me anyway but do you think it's possible that God played a bit of a role in my little boy walking up to me at that very moment to tell me those wonderful things? I believe it could be true...

...or when I'm feeling overwhelmed by something and I'm not near my Bible. Sometimes I'll struggle to remember "what in the world is that verse that I know would help me right now?". Suddenly, I'll remember a song that has that particular verse in it. Or I'll be driving and see any random object in nature and it flips that switch in my brain and I can remember. True, the tree, hill or whatever has ALWAYS been there but I noticed it at that very moment. I believe God has His hand in that, too.

Perhaps one of my favorite, yet difficult, signs that God gives me is shooting stars. Any person who has ever lost a loved one knows that grief is a funny thing that will sneak up on you unexpectedly...sometimes at the most inopportune time! What has always kind of ticked me off about grief is how you can feel awesome for days, weeks or even months...and then you have a day when you're just completely drowning in emotions that you thought were dealt with. No matter what you try to do to claw your way up and out of that hole of gut-wrenching sadness, you just feel like you keep falling to the bottom. It seems like a hopeless climb...

THAT has been the month of June for me. My most prevalent thought this month has been "I should have a little boy here who would be celebrating his first birthday with us...on earth." And this has played into my whole month...we bought a house, and Jonah won't get to be in it. Our new house has a big yard, and pretty soon (if not already) he would be walking and could play in the yard with Eli. There's a big park right across the street and I think about all the pictures I have with Elijah when he was so little in various parks. I won't ever have those pictures of Jonah...or of any of the children who are waiting in Heaven for us. This month, I haven't been having those positive "I trust God's plan and I'm OK"...it's been more of the "This sucks. This is unfair. Why?" approach this June.

This happened to me several months ago. I had met with some friends on a Tuesday evening and while I was driving home, I felt sad. I missed my children who are in Heaven, and really wished they were here with us. As I was on the ramp to get on I35, I saw shooting stars...not just one, but several. I smiled. For quite some time, whenever I see shooting stars, I like to think that it's my kids flicking them out of the sky...just for me. You see, I have an awesome 4 year old here on earth that, if given the opportunity, would most likely fling some stars out of the night sky! He's got spunk like that...and I'm positive that the other Clark kids are just as spunky! So to me, shooting stars are that sign from God. The sign that my kids are okay, with Him; that there really is a bigger picture; that God loves me so much and reminds me of it daily (every moment) if I just let Him.

The thing is...I've been waiting the entire month of June for a shooting star and I haven't seen one yet. Not ONE. I'm waiting...and trying to patiently remind myself that even without those little signs, God does love me, and I know He hasn't forgotten me. Every moment I just remind myself to find rest in Him. I'm reminded of the song I posted in my last blog entry, exactly a month ago:


Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
     When the oceans rise and thunders roar
     I will soar with you above the storm
     Father you are king over the flood
     I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
("STILL" - Hillsong)

A shooting star would still be such a welcome and comforting sign for me this month...