Square one, I guess

So I had my follow up appointment with the OB today, to make sure everything is healing physically and to get the results of my tests. So what did I learn? Nothing, really.

First, I had some sort of bacterial infection that was discovered during the D&C. Not sure what it was or whether it caused the preterm labor, but it was there. Second, this was probably NOT due to an incompetent cervix...I had symptoms of preterm labor (the contractions in the early morning) and those are not common with IC. Usually IC is discovered at a routine appointment and the woman doesn't feel any contractions because the dilation is gradual. Mine was not like that. The doctor said if he had to give me his best guess it would be this: "SOMETHING" caused my body to go into preterm labor. It could have been the infection, or the infection could have occurred after labor started. Cause is really unknown, but for some reason my body decided to start labor.

So good news? It's not an incompetent cervix (he's pretty certain of this) so the chances of it happening in another pregnancy are very slim.

The bad news? We don't know what caused this to happen. It will just be that much tougher to watch for it and prevent it in any future pregnancy. It's going to kind of be like saying "OK, so some mystery infection was present during my D&C. I went into preterm labor with the baby still alive, and nobody knows what caused it. What can we do to prevent this now?" Ugh.

So, I am thankful that I didn't get any really bad news. I did have a dream that I went to this appointment and was told they couldn't put my uterus back into my body because it was falling out...I am SO thankful that isn't the case! But of course I am a little disappointed that I don't know any more than I did 3 weeks ago. It makes me sad again to feel like my body betrayed me...and I really want some peace of mind. I'd like to know that if we ever get pregnant again, this isn't going to happen, but I can't know that.

So it comes down to trust. In the car on the way home, all I could really think was "God, I trust that You know what You're doing, and that there really is a reason that we are going through all this. And I trust that whatever happens in the future is also going to only happen because You want it to. And I trust that You'll help me to accept that."

Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

No words

I was thinking about updating my blog today. No matter how deep I dig, I can't find words today. Have you ever felt something so intensely that you can't put your feelings about it into words? Well, that's what I'm experiencing today. And it sucks. I'm not much of a talker when it comes to feelings but I usually can write about it. But trying to put words to my feelings today is making my chest ache. So I'm just not going to try right now. Again, this sucks.

just thinking

Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
(author unknown)

Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the child that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that he is loved?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died too soon, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?
I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?

My sweet Elijah

I'm pretty much on an emotional roller coaster right now, which I suppose can be expected. It's so frustrating to me that one minute I feel fine, only to want to collapse into a sobbing mess and hide from the world the very next minute. And I feel bad that Elijah has to see me like this. I wish that while he is awake I could just pull it all together and be strong, for him. But it doesn't always work out like that.

Tonight, Elijah decided to eat dinner 3 times, with the third time occurring about 10 minutes before he was supposed to go to bed. I sat at the table with him while he ate Frosted Mini Wheats and he decided to get a little sassy and test my patience, declaring quite loudly that he would not be going to bed tonight...not until Daddy got home (which won't be until after 1am sometime). After just a few seconds, I decided that I wasn't going to argue any more and just put my face into my hands to compose myself as I felt the tears threatening. Here is the rest of our conversation:

Eli: "Mommy, I need to see your eyes."

Me: (lifting my head to look at him) "Why? You're being sassy and I'm tired."

Eli: "Mommy, why are you crying? Do you miss your baby brother?"

Me: "Buddy, he's your baby brother. He's Mommy and Daddy's little boy, just like you."

Eli: "Yeah...I miss him, too."

Me: "Do you remember what his name is, Eli?"

Eli: "Yes! He's little baby Jonah."

Me: "That's right. And do you remember where Mommy and Daddy told you that Jonah is?"

Eli: "Yes...he's in Heaven with Jesus and God and some angels."

Me: (I could only nod because he sounded so sweet now)

Eli: "Why is little baby Jonah in Heaven with Jesus?"

Me: (not quite prepared for that question) "Well, because Jesus wants Jonah there. I don't know why but I know that Jesus is taking care of him for us."

Eli: "Is Jesus taking good care of him?"

Me: "Yes...He's taking care of Jonah for us until we can see him again someday."

Eli: "Can we go tomorrow to Heaven to see him?"

Me: "Not tomorrow, Buddy. I don't know when we can go but someday I know we will."

Eli: "And I will hug my baby brother!"

Me: "Yes, we all will. You're a good boy, Eli."

Eli: "And you're my best little mommy, Mommy!"


A little while later, I overheard Elijah talking in his bed. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying but I kept hearing "my baby brother Jonah..." and I suddenly realized that he was talking to his stuffed animals about him. And I heard him telling them about Jonah in Heaven with Jesus. I guess he understands it better than I thought he did. It does make me a little sad, however, because I realize again that Elijah would be an awesome big brother. I really hope he has that chance someday.

"Even the smallest of feet have the power to
leave everlasting footprints upon this world"

Heartbroken

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"
Psalm 34:18

On Tuesday, December 29th, I woke up early having contractions, which I knew was not a good sign at just over 22 weeks pregnant. We went to the doctor for an ultrasound, and found that the baby was alive and healthy! However, I had started to dilate. We were sent to a perinatal specialist in the hopes that we could stop dilation and stitch the cervix closed. By the time we saw the doctor, I had dilated to 4cm and the bag of waters had begun to slip through my cervix...this unfortunately meant there was no way to stop what had started. We were devastated...our baby was still alive! We were told we had two choices : go to the hospital immediately for a D&E , or go home and wait for my body to start labor naturally. There was really no choice in my mind, nor in Adam's...the baby was alive and we would not use any medical procedure. The doctor understood, and told us to go home and that I should spend the time in bed. He said within a day or two, my water would break and at that time we should go the hospital.

We got home about 4:30pm that day. By 4:45 pm my water broke and there was no time. I had to deliver our son in our bathroom, which was just so difficult. I never passed the placenta which meant I had to cut the cord, which I knew meant I was cutting the only lifeline my son had. We had to go the the ER because I hadn't passed everything and spent the remainder of the night in the ER, then in surgery for a D&C, and finally in a room due to excessive bleeding and fear of hemorrhaging . Thankfully, the hospital staff was amazing and we were able to spend some wonderful time with our baby boy before he was sent to the funeral home. I was allowed to go home Wednesday afternoon, and we spent the afternoon making the final arrangements for our baby boy, Jonah Matthew. The past 2 days have been spent trying to help my 3 year old son make sense out of "mommy had your baby brother but he's in Heaven with Jesus and can't be here with us". I don't understand it...how in the world can my 3 year old?

I have had many miscarriages, but this one is so different for me. This baby was alive, and my body failed. I don't blame myself but sometimes I want to. Nothing makes sense. I am so crushed and hurting...the nightmares I have now are unbelievable. My mind is reeling over the possibilities, all the "what ifs?". And I feel so guilty sometimes...like if I actually smile or laugh about something, I think "how can you be smiling?" I know it will get easier...it always has...but I just hurt so much right now.

I'LL BE THERE

Daddy please don't look so sad, Momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

Please, try not to question God, don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you, and then He changed His mind
You see, I am a special child,and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him,the product of your love.

I'll always be there with you, and watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane.
That's me, in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a little breeze,from a gentle wind that blows,
That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
That's me, I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.

So daddy, please don't look so sad, and Momma don't you cry,
I'm in the arms of Jesus, and He sings me lullabies.
(Author unknown)

Simplify it all

For those of you have followed my various blogs throughout the years (other blogger accounts, Xanga, etc.), I want to let you know that I am condensing them all HERE. This will be the only blog I keep. I came to realize keeping separate blogs about different areas of my life was just complicating things for me. After all, all these areas are parts of the big picture, so why not just keep it all together?

Baby Clark is due in June 2010!!

So my goals have changed for a little while...instead of focusing on increasing my mileage and losing weight, I'm going to focus on gaining the RIGHT amount of weight this time around (NOT 60 pounds like last time!) and maintaining my fitness level throughout the pregnancy.

The first weeks have been a bit of a challenge. I've been pretty nauseous and very tired...motivating myself to run has been a challenge. But when I do get those runs in, I feel SO much better. My first appointment isn't until December 15th, when I'll be about 13 weeks. I'm hoping this time I won't have to have a c-section, either...I hope that by continuing to exercise (something I did NOT do the first time!) I will stay more fit and perhaps avoid surgery.

So this is going to be a new experience for me...running while pregnant! I'm looking forward to it!