Satan is a jerk

Satan is a jerk.

I'm pretty sure that A: nobody is going to disagree with my statement and B: this is not news to anyone. I felt it was important enough to state not only in my post title, but also the first sentence. Perhaps I find it necessary to reiterate simply because it is such an obvious, but important, truth. Honestly, however, I'm kind of hoping he reads my blog so that he knows that I'm onto his unscrupulous trickery. Enough with the shenanigans already!

Okay, back on track. Satan knows exactly what to use to try to bring a Christian down...to make one doubt herself and her faith. Sometimes he likes to try to get me to believe that I'm a bad mom, which is what happened last week. God set me straight when I told Him about that. Other times, Satan has tried to tell me that I'm starting too late...that all those years that I was acting pretty rebelliously toward God will always haunt me. Yeah, God and I talk about that one a lot, too. God has been good about reminding me about 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I've always struggled with guilt. If you tell me your lawn is brown from lack of rain, I might find a way to feel guilty about it. It really brings me down if I let it. Satan knows it's a weakness...God has been good about reminding me to give that problem to Him.

Today, well, Satan pulled out another big one...jealousy. There are a lot of women I know right now who are getting what I really want. I am genuinely happy for them...and I'm also a bit jealous. That jealousy usually manifests itself as just a twinge of "maybe my turn will be next". Not today...today it was the sort of twinge that made me want to spit tacks. The weird thing about today is I didn't recognize it right away...it festered away for a bit. Until I got a message from a friend who is in my shoes...we have mutual friends...she got bit by the jealous bug today, too. She was hoping it was okay that she told me. Let me tell you something, my friend...I NEEDED YOU TO TELL ME. It made me face my vice.

I spoiled myself recently by buying a new study Bible and I am so glad I did. Today when I sat down to deal with my negative emotions, I found endless resources to direct me where I needed to go in the Bible. I usually spend Eli's naptime trying to get caught up on some stuff around the house but today, I spent it with my Bible open and with God gently showing me how to get past the jealousy.

Psalm 143:8
     Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.


Psalm 13:5-6
     But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me.


Psalm 37:4-5

     Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this.

          **Then, my study Bible nicely pointed out that the general theme of Psalm 37 is "Trust in the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act."**

Trust and faith...yes, I have those. Patience? hmmmm....I'm trying. It's a constant undertaking :) 

Just on these three insidious attacks by the jerk, the score stands at :


God-3, Satan-0

When I'm wrong...

I don't particularly like being wrong about something. I admit, sometimes I am wrong but sometimes it irks me when it gets pointed out to me. I've found that I tend to react 2 very different ways when my error is shown to me. If the person pointing out my error tends to be attacking about it, I get defensive. Example: "No, you're wrong...black and white, no discussion...whatever debate you provide I can't hear because you're wrong." This person could very well be correct. It may be black and white and I may already realize my error. Their method of correction has sparked a defensive fire in me and I go into argumentative mode, or shut down mode. (That's just me pouting because yes, I'm wrong but my feelings are hurt because I feel attacked by the less than gentle approach!)

Then, there is the person who says: "Okay, I see what you're saying/doing. However, let me point 'A,B, and C'. What do you think?" My defensiveness is much less. Discussion ensues. Perhaps the realization that what I've said/done is wrong doesn't hit me right away...or maybe I already KNEW it was wrong but had somehow candy -coated it to appear less significant. Yet approach #2 doesn't get that defensive fire burning, and I don't really "shut down". I get introspective instead. The person is correct, and they chose to lovingly approach me not to say "You are wrong, I am right" but rather "You are wrong and I'm correcting you because I care about you". There's a big difference.

God uses the second approach with me. Lately, it's been quite a bit! If God chose to say "Sandy! You are so wrong right now! Knock it off and do it MY way because you know that MY way works much better! Don't try to discuss this with Me!", I would most likely (um, probably!) pout and get defensive and even argue a bit. Instead, it's a much more gentle reminder. I can remember a specific day last week when Elijah was particularly strong-willed. To say he was a handful would be a huge understatement! After carrying him out of my in-law's house, kicking and screaming, and then trying to buckle him into his car seat while he thrashed and punched me, I felt defeated. The short car ride home was ridiculous...he acted like a 4 year old and, well, so did I. I sent him to his room to put his jammies on and told him I would be up to talk to him in a minute. And I took that "minute" to just pray. God heard the words "I just can't do this!" quite a few times. I even confessed that sometimes I feel like I'm screwing up this whole parenting thing. As I whined about feeling overwhelmed by inadequacy, God whispered "Just give it to Me. I promised to help you. Why are you trying to do it yourself?" I was wrong in my approach, and definitely wrong in my behavior with Eli. I knew I was wrong when I raised my voice to him in the car. When I went upstairs to talk to Eli, I apologized for yelling at him. He apologized (unprompted by me) for kicking, screaming, punching and yelling and telling me that I should live in the green garbage can (yeah...pretty harsh, Elijah!). We talked for a little bit about how Jesus wanted him to behave and how it made Him very sad when Elijah was so naughty. And I admitted that He was sad because Mommy had yelled at him. We prayed, he brushed his teeth and after 2 books, he was asleep. I wonder how the evening would have ended if I'd tried to continue to discipline "my way"...?

Then, there was this morning. Well, it started last night. Because of Adam's work schedule and my lack of ability to be a morning person, I do my actual "devotions" at night after Elijah is in bed. It's been working well for me this way...the house is quiet, my mood is relaxed because it's night and I'm more able to focus on what I'm reading and studying. When I tried to do it in the morning, I always felt rushed. So I've started taking the first moments when I wake up in the morning to just talk to God, and the final time I have before bed to talk and learn and reflect on the day. Last night was the first snag in my plan. Eli went to bed late. I started doing other things. Adam was home from work.

I GOT LAZY.


And I convinced myself that one night wasn't going to hurt. I would double up my "lessons" tomorrow...one in the morning, one at night. So I sat down today during some quiet time and started yesterday's lesson:


Grow in the Discipline of Meeting God - Do you sometimes find that you don't want to spend the time with God that you've committed to? What happens when you push through that lack of desire and do it anyway? God's grace meets you along the path of persistence. Ask God to give you the will to practice discipline, even when the desire is not there.  (Be Still and Know that I am God)

Oops. I messed up. God was pretty gentle with this reminder...so subtle, in fact, that when I read that passage, I smiled sheepishly. He could have been very direct me with me last night but He probably would have met resistance from me. Instead, He reminded me quietly this morning about the error of my way. And as I prayed and asked for forgiveness, God whispered "Don't give up...you're doing a good job!"

If only all correction could be so awesome!

Be Still...

"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10a

I have a tough time with this. You see, my Type A personality gets in the way...a lot. When there is a crisis (or perceived crisis), I like to act on it and start to fix it. When there is something that needs to get done (or I think needs to get done!), I like to get an action plan and then get the plan into action! I like to figure things out, to understand not only the answer to something but how I got there, and WHY it happened and HOW I can use it in the future or prevent it from happening again. When I worked as a manager, I filled my office and store with charts, graphs, spreadsheets, lists and everything was color-coded somehow...even the managers who worked under me had colors assigned to them! I like order, and I like routine. I like to know what's coming next. I get a little unnerved if someone tries to adjust my organizing.

I like control. (There...I said it!)

So it's very difficult for me when God tells me to "be still". I heard it quite a few times in 2010 but I find that I'm hearing it more frequently this year. There is a handful of things that I've been praying about that I've been told to just "be still" about. One that comes to mind is children. After well over a year of not getting pregnant, we decided to jump on the "infertility bandwagon" and start testing. We were on board and ready to go...until I actually got to the doctor and they told me how much it was going to cost us. Insurance companies don't like to pay for that. I came home with 3 appointments that had to be set up for 3 tests. But I had this nagging feeling that I shouldn't do it. The cost was a big factor; however, there was something else. I felt like God was trying to tell me something else. After 2 days of conversing with God about it, He finally told me: "BE STILL".

What? I wasn't ready for that. I was ready for either a "Yes, you should do it" or "No, you should not do it". But instead I got the God version of  "maybe...but not now".  It kind of felt like God was telling me the topic isn't closed but we're not going to finish the discussion just yet. I resisted...you see, I like control. God reminded me that I relinquished that control to Him. Ah...I did, didn't I? And that is what I wanted, and still desire. So I said okay...I'll just move that topic to the back burner for now. Strangely, I have some peace with that.

Next thing I decided to take up with God was adoption. Well, I guess that has been a topic between us for more than just a little while. Adam and I have discussed this and we feel that it could be part of our future. But there is this twinge of something that prevents me from jumping into that one with both feet just yet. God didn't say yes or no...He told me to "be still".

Now, I think if God told me this for EVERYTHING that I brought to Him in prayer, I'd be more than just a little frustrated! But He has given me a yes or no answer to many things already. It's been kind of cool for me this year to realize that I can see those yes/no answers sometimes! And just when I was getting comfortable with that, God threw the "be still" answer into the mix. It's hard, because I want to start throwing stuff into Excel and constructing nifty charts to help me make decisions.

That, however, isn't how I decided my life was going to be anymore. I decided that God was back in control, and that I trust that He knows better than I do. It means I believe God when He tells me "I am whatever and everything you could possibly need in this situation. Trust me...I've got your back!"

So when God tells me to be still, I really try to comply.

Baptism

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

                                                                                              --Galatians 2:20--

(The video doesn't seem to want to work all the time for me on my blog. In the above video doesn't work, here's the link to YouTube - My Baptism )

God is so good! :)

The enormous heart of a little boy

Elijah is very kind-hearted. Sometimes, he can be pretty mean (particularly to his parents!) but in the big picture, this little boy has a lot of compassion in his heart. Today, God used this little boy to truly touch my heart. Here's our story:

We had a lot of little errands to do today and Elijah has been sick. I knew he wasn't going to be super thrilled with the idea of sitting in the car for so long so I tried to keep things fun...singing and looking for interesting things outside that we could talk about. We were headed out of town to Boone and we saw a house being built. Elijah started talking about it as soon as he saw it...the machines, the little bit of the frame that was up, the men with hammers, etc. I explained that it was going to probably take a little while to get the whole house up. Elijah's face fell a bit when he thought about that but suddenly he perked up.

"I think that MAN found a house, Mommy!"

"What man?"

"You know, that man from by Walmart..."

Now, you need some background about the man, I suppose! It was late November, possibly early December, this past year. Elijah and I were out shopping and it was bitterly cold. There was a homeless man standing near Walmart's entrance, with a simple cardboard sign that said "I would appreciate any help...God bless". I had seen this man many times, and one or two winters ago, I had bought him lunch once. There is something about this man that always tugs at my own heart. I don't know his "story", and I see other homeless people around from time to time. But this particular man...I'm not sure what it is. When I see him, I start thinking more about those who are less fortunate. This particular day was the first time Elijah had seen him. As we pulled into Walmart's parking lot, Elijah wanted to know why the man was standing in the cold and what did his sign say. I tried to explain it, but poor Elijah didn't quite grasp how someone wouldn't and couldn't have a house to live in. Wouldn't he be cold? Well, yes, he would. Where does he keep his food? He doesn't have food to keep, or a refrigerator to keep it in. We kept talking while we were shopping at Walmart and I decided this was a good opportunity to teach Elijah a little about compassion and kindness to others.

We left Walmart and I drove towards Dairy Queen (the ONLY fast food place on this end of town!).

"Mommy, why are were here? We ate lunch already!"

"I know, Eli. We're going to buy that man some lunch, okay?"

"But mommy, where will he keep his food?"

"Eli, he can't keep it anywhere but he can eat it. That's why I'm going to buy him something that he doesn't have to put in the fridge."

"I'll bet he's really hungry, mommy!"

Yes, I thought he might be, too. And cold. I despise being cold, and I can't imagine being cold all the time. After we got through the drive thru, I parked the car and talked to Eli for a moment:

"Eli, you know Jesus wants us to show kindness to everyone, including people who don't have as much as we do. We can't help everyone, and I can't buy this man lunch every time I see him, but we can do it today. And that hat and gloves from Walmart? We're going to give those to him, too, because he doesn't have a hat or gloves on and it's very cold outside. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yes. That man has no house, we have a house. He doesn't have a hat or mittens like I do, so we are going to give him some. And he's hungry, so you bought him lunch just like you bought ME lunch when I was hungry!'

"Yes, and why are we going to do this for him, besides that he's cold and hungry?"

"Because Jesus wants us to be kind to other people."

Excellent...he understood what I needed him to. So we drove up and I jumped out of the car. The man and I exchanged a short conversation and I told him that my little boy and I wanted to help him a little. He looked down at me, eyes a little tear-filled, and said "thank you so much. God bless you and your family!" I simply said "I'll pray that God blesses you as well." Elijah sat in the car and waved, smiling so sweetly.

Eli and I talked about that man for a little more that day, and then we didn't. Every time we went to Walmart after that, we didn't see him. Eli would ask me where he was and I said I didn't know...that it was now VERY cold and perhaps he was in a shelter or something. We haven't seen that man another time, but every time Eli asked me about him, it prompted me to think, and pray that he was okay.

SO, back to today. Elijah said "You know, that man from by Walmart!"

I was shocked that he remembered him now and said "The homeless man, Eli?"

"YES! The man who we gave lunch and the hat and gloves to. Mommy, I think he's building that new house!"

I smiled. I don't know if that is true but I certainly wasn't going to destroy Eli's vision for this man. And it really made me think for a moment. My little boy never stops thinking about this man...the man who had so much less than we did. The man that we gave something very small to, in hopes of helping him just a little. That man had a big impact on Eli's life, because Eli thinks about him even now...months later. Eli remembers him, and even has a vision that the man is now in a better place in his life.

My little boy was thinking about this while I was busy wallowing in an ocean of self-pity today. In all reality, my problems are small compared to what some other people must deal with. My problems are real, and the hurt is real, but do I need to allow that to bring me down? Nah. So I decided I wouldn't let that happen today.

Thanks, little buddy...and thank you, God, for using my little buddy to get through to my heart today.

Stripes

Eli has a toy Beanie Baby tiger whose name is Stripes. This little tiger once belonged to me but I gave him to Eli a few years ago. Stripes has been living in Eli's toy box, undisturbed, for most of those years. That is, until about 2 weeks ago.

2 weeks ago, Eli found Stripes and started playing with him pretty much non-stop. The interaction that Eli has with Stripes is very different from his other stuffed animals. He seems to go through phases where different stuffed things are more important to him than others. When we first moved back to Iowa, when Eli was about 19 months old, he had three things that HAD to be with him at all times: Puppy-puppy, Gi-gi and Lamb. (Gi-gi is his baby blanket). When he would get upset, he would immediately ask for those three items, and only then did he feel better. When I visited my family in Pennsylvania in February of 2010, Eli had a new attachment to a stuffed red, jalapeño- shaped cat toy...aptly named Pepper. We visited my cousin Heather in Wisconsin in April of 2010 and Heather's son Nate gave Eli a stuffed dog, who became Roger Retriever, or just Roger for short. Roger took Puppy-puppy's place for a long time, and I think I was more upset about the replacement than anyone else! Eli would make Puppy-puppy sleep on the floor because he said that Puppy would "gas on him" at night; or Puppy wouldn't stop licking him. Eventually Puppy-puppy was allowed to join the others on the bed at night, and I felt better.

Back to Stripes. Stripes is NAUGHTY! Seriously...first of all, Stripes "talks" in this rather annoying high-pitched meow, and it's usually very loud. When it first started, I would tell Eli that he needed to be quieter and his response was "Stripes, be quiet! Daddy is sleeping!". The more I watched, the more I noticed just how sassy this bean-filled tiger really was. He jumps all over the living room, knocking things off book shelves and speakers. I found Stripes running with scissors a few days ago. He runs all over the house and attacks the LIVING cats! He sometimes attacks my face for no apparent reason and continues to pester me until I say "Eli, you need to stop now...you're hurting me now," and Eli replies, to the tiger (of course) "Stripes, stop hurting Mommy! That's NOT nice!". Stripes never wants to eat dinner...he's always too tired. Stripes never wants to take a bath...he's having too much fun playing. Stripes puts up quite the fuss at bedtime, and is disruptive while we're trying to read bedtime stories. I told Adam yesterday that Stripes is everything that Eli WANTS to be, but he knows he can't get away doing those naughty things!

Now, Stripes isn't ALL bad. Stripes is very inquisitive and likes to investigate things in our house, too. He found a small hole in our carpet, and I was informed that Stripes wanted Eli to tell me about it. Stripes gives great hugs and when he's not hyperactive, he gives wonderful kisses, too. Stripes provides a great amount of comfort to Eli when he falls out of bed. Stripes makes Eli feel better when I tell him something he doesn't want to hear (such as "we have to leave Grandma's house, now"). Stripes is truly one of Eli's closest non-human companions right now, and I think they're very cute together. As I type this, Stripes is launching himself (with a little Eli help!) from the top of the cat scratching post into our window. Oh, and attacking a pumpkin. Eli loves his crazy, sassy little tiger...

Stripes is HOBBES!

I wonder what the future holds if this relationship continues? Perhaps I should brush up on my "Calvin and Hobbes" :D

Discouragement and Faith

Today I'm feeling a little discouraged. I've spent the past 14 months fighting frustration but today, it's just discouragement. We tried for 14 months before we got pregnant with Jonah...14 months after already having had 2 miscarriages. After we lost Jonah, we decided to start trying as soon as we were given the "OK" from the doctors. It's been 14 months. We decided to enlist the help of doctors. At my appointment yesterday, I was told about the first three tests that would be performed to find out if anything is physically preventing a pregnancy. Three tests...easy enough! Well, it would have been easy enough if they were covered by health insurance. 2 of them are NOT COVERED AT ALL (the other I'd just have to pay 10% or something like that). Those 2 non-covered tests would cost us well over $1500. Those 2 tests would exceed what is left of our flexible spending account. So if I have those tests done, we have NO flex money left for 2011...in the event of other medical necessities for any of us, we would have to pay completely out of pocket. I'm not comfortable with that.

So I'm stuck. I feel like it should be a no-brainer...these tests aren't "necessary" so they just don't "need" to be done.

I feel like I sort of gave up on trusting God in this one by even considering testing...and therefore I shouldn't have it done.

I feel like it's selfish of me to even consider spending that amount of my family's money on something that isn't totally needed.

Still, I want answers. But do I NEED them?

I have prayed about this extensively and have not gotten an answer...is that a sign that I need to just let it go? OR am I missing something? I really believe there is something else God wants me to know...but I'm not sure what it is. It's moments like this that I really wish God had text messaging...or email ;)

I'm discouraged...yes, even a little frustrated. Yet, I have a little peace about it. No, not peace about not being pregnant but rather peace that my faith is strong enough to see me through. In the past I might have felt like God had just forgotten me. This past year I've seen God get me through some really tough times: the mornings when I couldn't get myself out of bed, He did it for me. On days when I didn't think I could stay standing upright, He held me up. I know He will never give me more than I can handle.

SO, back to the original "gripe". What am I going to do? I don't know yet. I'm going to keep praying about it...all day Phillipians 4:4-9 has been stuck in my head:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

And don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do.

(what faith can do - kutless)