Moving on...with God

"If you wait, your heavenly Father will pick you up, carry you out into the night, and make your life sparkle. He wants to dazzle you with the wonder of his love."
     A Praying Life: Connecting with God in a Distracting World - Paul Miller


A mere two Sundays ago, we had a sermon on grace, power and thorns in our flesh. Our pastor asked the question "How do you deal when you ask 'How long?' and God replies with 'Longer...' ?" What do you do when that thorn won't go away? (It was a very powerful sermon...if you'd like to see the sermon notes, go HERE) It's easy to pray and ask God to take it away, or to ask for relief. It's pretty easy to ask for an answer...but usually what we really want is an answer that aligns with our own desires. For me, it's really easy to say I'll patiently wait on Him, but deep down I think I mean I'll wait as long as I get my way. What I don't always understand is why I'm being made to wait. What I realized that Sunday is sometimes I don't think that God is enough...that I don't always completely lean on Him to get me through everything. I try; however, there are some issues that I just haven't fully trusted God to take care of completely for me. It's hard. It's really tough for me to let go of that control.

There was something said that Sunday that still resonates with me. Pastor Staff said "You have a Father who knows best how to so orchestrate what is going on in your life to “turn you” (if needed), to check up and root out pride (if necessary), to shape your character and life so that you 'get out of the way' and God’s power can begin to shine through".  I was talking with a good friend recently and she asked me "What do you really want, Sandy? Tell me the words again." And I told her...honestly, I want what God wants for me, even though I don't always act like it. That is my heart's desire, plain and simple. I pray that He will show me what that is, because I'm pretty clueless about it most of the time!


In her book, A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God’s Sovereignty, Joni Eareckson Tada writes “This is the lesson I've learned in the wheelchair for so many years—and have to relearn in these days (and nights) of unremitting pain. Sometimes you have to take what’s left and coax out of life something new and different…God is the one who finds incomparable beauty and makes matchless music using the most unexpected and unlikely of instruments.”  Something about hearing this made me sit up a bit and say "hmmmm".


 Maybe my thorns aren't going away because I'm looking for the wrong way to get rid of it.


True, I'm trying to focus on God to help me but maybe I'm missing the point. Instead of trying to fix my issue with nails, perhaps this time I need glue. Know what I'm getting at? Is it really possible that the solution I thought was correct is wrong?

Yeah...I got all sorts of confused and conflicted and inward the week following this sermon. Then, God decided to (very lovingly and gently) throw another brick at my head (perhaps that analogy is a bit harsh, but it certainly felt like a brick!) Last Sunday the topic of our sermon was

"What is your next step in the Lord?"

Wait, it gets better...I think I know what it is! God was pretty direct, and I've got a pretty good idea of what I think that next step is supposed to be.

But I'm having a hard time letting go of my own desires...

I'm having a tough time trusting completely that God knows best (even though I've seen the amazing things He's done in me already)...

I'm having a really, really hard time giving up complete control, even though I want to...

For now, I pray. I ask that I can let go, and completely desire God's will in my life, even if it's not exactly what I thought I might do.

God knows best.

I know this is true. I pray for my stubbornness to subside, and for an open heart. Deep down, I know that if it's God's will, it will truly be beautiful. Whatever happens, I can do it because God is moving with me. 

Shooting stars

I have this "thing" about shooting stars. I really like them...always have. But that's not my "thing"...

I truly believe that we are given "signs" and things like that from God. I truly believe that when our hearts hurt and  our vision gets clouded because of emotion, God uses whatever He can to break through and remind us that He loves us so much. I'm also pretty certain that I miss these signs sometimes. But there are times when it's undeniable for me. I can be having a really tough day when I'm feeling like a failure and Elijah will walk up out of the blue, give me a hug and say "You're my best mommy in the whole wide world!". Now, of course, I am his ONLY mommy but that is unimportant. I feel better. My kid likes me! Now, I'm sure that he loves me anyway but do you think it's possible that God played a bit of a role in my little boy walking up to me at that very moment to tell me those wonderful things? I believe it could be true...

...or when I'm feeling overwhelmed by something and I'm not near my Bible. Sometimes I'll struggle to remember "what in the world is that verse that I know would help me right now?". Suddenly, I'll remember a song that has that particular verse in it. Or I'll be driving and see any random object in nature and it flips that switch in my brain and I can remember. True, the tree, hill or whatever has ALWAYS been there but I noticed it at that very moment. I believe God has His hand in that, too.

Perhaps one of my favorite, yet difficult, signs that God gives me is shooting stars. Any person who has ever lost a loved one knows that grief is a funny thing that will sneak up on you unexpectedly...sometimes at the most inopportune time! What has always kind of ticked me off about grief is how you can feel awesome for days, weeks or even months...and then you have a day when you're just completely drowning in emotions that you thought were dealt with. No matter what you try to do to claw your way up and out of that hole of gut-wrenching sadness, you just feel like you keep falling to the bottom. It seems like a hopeless climb...

THAT has been the month of June for me. My most prevalent thought this month has been "I should have a little boy here who would be celebrating his first birthday with us...on earth." And this has played into my whole month...we bought a house, and Jonah won't get to be in it. Our new house has a big yard, and pretty soon (if not already) he would be walking and could play in the yard with Eli. There's a big park right across the street and I think about all the pictures I have with Elijah when he was so little in various parks. I won't ever have those pictures of Jonah...or of any of the children who are waiting in Heaven for us. This month, I haven't been having those positive "I trust God's plan and I'm OK"...it's been more of the "This sucks. This is unfair. Why?" approach this June.

This happened to me several months ago. I had met with some friends on a Tuesday evening and while I was driving home, I felt sad. I missed my children who are in Heaven, and really wished they were here with us. As I was on the ramp to get on I35, I saw shooting stars...not just one, but several. I smiled. For quite some time, whenever I see shooting stars, I like to think that it's my kids flicking them out of the sky...just for me. You see, I have an awesome 4 year old here on earth that, if given the opportunity, would most likely fling some stars out of the night sky! He's got spunk like that...and I'm positive that the other Clark kids are just as spunky! So to me, shooting stars are that sign from God. The sign that my kids are okay, with Him; that there really is a bigger picture; that God loves me so much and reminds me of it daily (every moment) if I just let Him.

The thing is...I've been waiting the entire month of June for a shooting star and I haven't seen one yet. Not ONE. I'm waiting...and trying to patiently remind myself that even without those little signs, God does love me, and I know He hasn't forgotten me. Every moment I just remind myself to find rest in Him. I'm reminded of the song I posted in my last blog entry, exactly a month ago:


Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
     When the oceans rise and thunders roar
     I will soar with you above the storm
     Father you are king over the flood
     I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
("STILL" - Hillsong)

A shooting star would still be such a welcome and comforting sign for me this month...

Yes...Still!

It's always interesting to see what God gives you when you ask for comfort and peace. Last night was awful. I don't know WHAT happened, WHERE it all came from or even WHY I suddenly felt like I was being bombarded by raw emotions that I couldn't handle. All I really knew was that I was hurting, and it sucked. I wanted it to be gone. It didn't matter how long I prayed, or how many times I asked God to take it away, I still went to bed feeling like my heart was ripped apart again.

I woke up this morning and didn't feel much better. I slept poorly and had some pretty intense dreams. As I pretty much rolled myself out of bed, I reminded myself that God would help me get through the day. I asked, well maybe it was more like begged, Him to please stay close. I knew I couldn't do this one on my own.

Typically, after I sit down in my pew at church, the first thing I do is scan the array of songs we'll be singing. I didn't this week. I couldn't. Music is a powerful thing for me and I knew if I started thinking about what we were going to be singing, I'd probably get myself all worked up and upset before it even started! So when we got to our fourth song, I realized God had given me a wonderful gift of comfort at that moment:


Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
     When the oceans rise and thunders roar
     I will soar with you above the storm
     Father you are king over the flood
     I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
("STILL" - Hillsong)


I was reminded that God is bigger than this. He has my back. He knows that it hurts, some days more than others. I believe that it makes Him sad, too.

And yet, I have to remember to trust...and to be still and know that He is God. This storm is a tough one for me, but God is holding me.

Because of that, I know I'm okay.

Still???

Should I still miss you so much that it rips my heart out to think about you? I mean, really...is it normal to have weeks of being "okay", only to have a night when something little makes your absence seem unbearable? Is it normal to just fall apart MONTHS later?

Yeah...it is.

It's totally normal, and it's completely acceptable.

But it still hurts like it was that day all over again.

So tonight I just pray that God gives me comfort and peace...

...because tonight it's so hard...

...again.

Allowing God to comfort you

Sometimes when I'm upset, I really don't like to be touched. Obviously this is true if I'm angry or irritated about something, but I've found it occasionally happens if I'm sad about something. It may be a person's natural, caring instinct to try to hug me but that gesture might be met by resistance from me. It's easy for me to shut down when I'm trying to deal with emotions.

The past two days have been interesting. I got answer to a prayer, but I wasn't especially thrilled by the answer. It confused me, and made me a little irritated. During the extended amount of time this request was prayed for, I continually asked God to help me accept whatever answer He gave me. I really believed that I was okay with whatever answer came...

...until that answer came.

There was hurt and disappointment. There was a little peace. There was some misdirected anger. Okay, I sort of raised my voice to God. I told Him that I was upset, and that I felt like I had been "led on". I thought it seemed like the answer would go the other way. Why would I be allowed to sense my concern being resolved one way if He was going to go the opposite direction? Not fair. I pouted...for a while.

Then I felt guilty.


I felt guilty for yelling at God. I felt guilty for thinking that God would "lead me on" to believe something. I felt guilty for acting childish about it. So I went running. 12 miles later, I felt like I had reconciled with God. I apologized...a lot. I prayed that He would continue to work in me to make me more receptive and accepting of His plan, of His interests. It wasn't just words... I meant it. I don't want to be the Christian whose faith is strong as long as she gets her way and the sun is shining. I want God's interests to become my own. I'm a work in progress...it's going to take some time.

Early today, I really felt like God was holding a grudge against me! I felt that awkward distance from Him that I am so uncomfortable with. I felt like when I prayed, my words bounced off a brick wall back into my face. I began to wonder if God was upset with me. I thought about it a lot this morning. I don't think the distance I was feeling was a grudge from God...it was me. I was doing the same thing that I do with people when I get upset...I was withdrawing. It wasn't intentional. I think it's just habit, really.

But why don't I allow God to comfort me?


I don't know that I've figured out that answer just yet...

Satan is a jerk

Satan is a jerk.

I'm pretty sure that A: nobody is going to disagree with my statement and B: this is not news to anyone. I felt it was important enough to state not only in my post title, but also the first sentence. Perhaps I find it necessary to reiterate simply because it is such an obvious, but important, truth. Honestly, however, I'm kind of hoping he reads my blog so that he knows that I'm onto his unscrupulous trickery. Enough with the shenanigans already!

Okay, back on track. Satan knows exactly what to use to try to bring a Christian down...to make one doubt herself and her faith. Sometimes he likes to try to get me to believe that I'm a bad mom, which is what happened last week. God set me straight when I told Him about that. Other times, Satan has tried to tell me that I'm starting too late...that all those years that I was acting pretty rebelliously toward God will always haunt me. Yeah, God and I talk about that one a lot, too. God has been good about reminding me about 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I've always struggled with guilt. If you tell me your lawn is brown from lack of rain, I might find a way to feel guilty about it. It really brings me down if I let it. Satan knows it's a weakness...God has been good about reminding me to give that problem to Him.

Today, well, Satan pulled out another big one...jealousy. There are a lot of women I know right now who are getting what I really want. I am genuinely happy for them...and I'm also a bit jealous. That jealousy usually manifests itself as just a twinge of "maybe my turn will be next". Not today...today it was the sort of twinge that made me want to spit tacks. The weird thing about today is I didn't recognize it right away...it festered away for a bit. Until I got a message from a friend who is in my shoes...we have mutual friends...she got bit by the jealous bug today, too. She was hoping it was okay that she told me. Let me tell you something, my friend...I NEEDED YOU TO TELL ME. It made me face my vice.

I spoiled myself recently by buying a new study Bible and I am so glad I did. Today when I sat down to deal with my negative emotions, I found endless resources to direct me where I needed to go in the Bible. I usually spend Eli's naptime trying to get caught up on some stuff around the house but today, I spent it with my Bible open and with God gently showing me how to get past the jealousy.

Psalm 143:8
     Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.


Psalm 13:5-6
     But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me.


Psalm 37:4-5

     Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this.

          **Then, my study Bible nicely pointed out that the general theme of Psalm 37 is "Trust in the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act."**

Trust and faith...yes, I have those. Patience? hmmmm....I'm trying. It's a constant undertaking :) 

Just on these three insidious attacks by the jerk, the score stands at :


God-3, Satan-0

When I'm wrong...

I don't particularly like being wrong about something. I admit, sometimes I am wrong but sometimes it irks me when it gets pointed out to me. I've found that I tend to react 2 very different ways when my error is shown to me. If the person pointing out my error tends to be attacking about it, I get defensive. Example: "No, you're wrong...black and white, no discussion...whatever debate you provide I can't hear because you're wrong." This person could very well be correct. It may be black and white and I may already realize my error. Their method of correction has sparked a defensive fire in me and I go into argumentative mode, or shut down mode. (That's just me pouting because yes, I'm wrong but my feelings are hurt because I feel attacked by the less than gentle approach!)

Then, there is the person who says: "Okay, I see what you're saying/doing. However, let me point 'A,B, and C'. What do you think?" My defensiveness is much less. Discussion ensues. Perhaps the realization that what I've said/done is wrong doesn't hit me right away...or maybe I already KNEW it was wrong but had somehow candy -coated it to appear less significant. Yet approach #2 doesn't get that defensive fire burning, and I don't really "shut down". I get introspective instead. The person is correct, and they chose to lovingly approach me not to say "You are wrong, I am right" but rather "You are wrong and I'm correcting you because I care about you". There's a big difference.

God uses the second approach with me. Lately, it's been quite a bit! If God chose to say "Sandy! You are so wrong right now! Knock it off and do it MY way because you know that MY way works much better! Don't try to discuss this with Me!", I would most likely (um, probably!) pout and get defensive and even argue a bit. Instead, it's a much more gentle reminder. I can remember a specific day last week when Elijah was particularly strong-willed. To say he was a handful would be a huge understatement! After carrying him out of my in-law's house, kicking and screaming, and then trying to buckle him into his car seat while he thrashed and punched me, I felt defeated. The short car ride home was ridiculous...he acted like a 4 year old and, well, so did I. I sent him to his room to put his jammies on and told him I would be up to talk to him in a minute. And I took that "minute" to just pray. God heard the words "I just can't do this!" quite a few times. I even confessed that sometimes I feel like I'm screwing up this whole parenting thing. As I whined about feeling overwhelmed by inadequacy, God whispered "Just give it to Me. I promised to help you. Why are you trying to do it yourself?" I was wrong in my approach, and definitely wrong in my behavior with Eli. I knew I was wrong when I raised my voice to him in the car. When I went upstairs to talk to Eli, I apologized for yelling at him. He apologized (unprompted by me) for kicking, screaming, punching and yelling and telling me that I should live in the green garbage can (yeah...pretty harsh, Elijah!). We talked for a little bit about how Jesus wanted him to behave and how it made Him very sad when Elijah was so naughty. And I admitted that He was sad because Mommy had yelled at him. We prayed, he brushed his teeth and after 2 books, he was asleep. I wonder how the evening would have ended if I'd tried to continue to discipline "my way"...?

Then, there was this morning. Well, it started last night. Because of Adam's work schedule and my lack of ability to be a morning person, I do my actual "devotions" at night after Elijah is in bed. It's been working well for me this way...the house is quiet, my mood is relaxed because it's night and I'm more able to focus on what I'm reading and studying. When I tried to do it in the morning, I always felt rushed. So I've started taking the first moments when I wake up in the morning to just talk to God, and the final time I have before bed to talk and learn and reflect on the day. Last night was the first snag in my plan. Eli went to bed late. I started doing other things. Adam was home from work.

I GOT LAZY.


And I convinced myself that one night wasn't going to hurt. I would double up my "lessons" tomorrow...one in the morning, one at night. So I sat down today during some quiet time and started yesterday's lesson:


Grow in the Discipline of Meeting God - Do you sometimes find that you don't want to spend the time with God that you've committed to? What happens when you push through that lack of desire and do it anyway? God's grace meets you along the path of persistence. Ask God to give you the will to practice discipline, even when the desire is not there.  (Be Still and Know that I am God)

Oops. I messed up. God was pretty gentle with this reminder...so subtle, in fact, that when I read that passage, I smiled sheepishly. He could have been very direct me with me last night but He probably would have met resistance from me. Instead, He reminded me quietly this morning about the error of my way. And as I prayed and asked for forgiveness, God whispered "Don't give up...you're doing a good job!"

If only all correction could be so awesome!