Be Still...

"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10a

I have a tough time with this. You see, my Type A personality gets in the way...a lot. When there is a crisis (or perceived crisis), I like to act on it and start to fix it. When there is something that needs to get done (or I think needs to get done!), I like to get an action plan and then get the plan into action! I like to figure things out, to understand not only the answer to something but how I got there, and WHY it happened and HOW I can use it in the future or prevent it from happening again. When I worked as a manager, I filled my office and store with charts, graphs, spreadsheets, lists and everything was color-coded somehow...even the managers who worked under me had colors assigned to them! I like order, and I like routine. I like to know what's coming next. I get a little unnerved if someone tries to adjust my organizing.

I like control. (There...I said it!)

So it's very difficult for me when God tells me to "be still". I heard it quite a few times in 2010 but I find that I'm hearing it more frequently this year. There is a handful of things that I've been praying about that I've been told to just "be still" about. One that comes to mind is children. After well over a year of not getting pregnant, we decided to jump on the "infertility bandwagon" and start testing. We were on board and ready to go...until I actually got to the doctor and they told me how much it was going to cost us. Insurance companies don't like to pay for that. I came home with 3 appointments that had to be set up for 3 tests. But I had this nagging feeling that I shouldn't do it. The cost was a big factor; however, there was something else. I felt like God was trying to tell me something else. After 2 days of conversing with God about it, He finally told me: "BE STILL".

What? I wasn't ready for that. I was ready for either a "Yes, you should do it" or "No, you should not do it". But instead I got the God version of  "maybe...but not now".  It kind of felt like God was telling me the topic isn't closed but we're not going to finish the discussion just yet. I resisted...you see, I like control. God reminded me that I relinquished that control to Him. Ah...I did, didn't I? And that is what I wanted, and still desire. So I said okay...I'll just move that topic to the back burner for now. Strangely, I have some peace with that.

Next thing I decided to take up with God was adoption. Well, I guess that has been a topic between us for more than just a little while. Adam and I have discussed this and we feel that it could be part of our future. But there is this twinge of something that prevents me from jumping into that one with both feet just yet. God didn't say yes or no...He told me to "be still".

Now, I think if God told me this for EVERYTHING that I brought to Him in prayer, I'd be more than just a little frustrated! But He has given me a yes or no answer to many things already. It's been kind of cool for me this year to realize that I can see those yes/no answers sometimes! And just when I was getting comfortable with that, God threw the "be still" answer into the mix. It's hard, because I want to start throwing stuff into Excel and constructing nifty charts to help me make decisions.

That, however, isn't how I decided my life was going to be anymore. I decided that God was back in control, and that I trust that He knows better than I do. It means I believe God when He tells me "I am whatever and everything you could possibly need in this situation. Trust me...I've got your back!"

So when God tells me to be still, I really try to comply.

Baptism

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

                                                                                              --Galatians 2:20--

(The video doesn't seem to want to work all the time for me on my blog. In the above video doesn't work, here's the link to YouTube - My Baptism )

God is so good! :)

The enormous heart of a little boy

Elijah is very kind-hearted. Sometimes, he can be pretty mean (particularly to his parents!) but in the big picture, this little boy has a lot of compassion in his heart. Today, God used this little boy to truly touch my heart. Here's our story:

We had a lot of little errands to do today and Elijah has been sick. I knew he wasn't going to be super thrilled with the idea of sitting in the car for so long so I tried to keep things fun...singing and looking for interesting things outside that we could talk about. We were headed out of town to Boone and we saw a house being built. Elijah started talking about it as soon as he saw it...the machines, the little bit of the frame that was up, the men with hammers, etc. I explained that it was going to probably take a little while to get the whole house up. Elijah's face fell a bit when he thought about that but suddenly he perked up.

"I think that MAN found a house, Mommy!"

"What man?"

"You know, that man from by Walmart..."

Now, you need some background about the man, I suppose! It was late November, possibly early December, this past year. Elijah and I were out shopping and it was bitterly cold. There was a homeless man standing near Walmart's entrance, with a simple cardboard sign that said "I would appreciate any help...God bless". I had seen this man many times, and one or two winters ago, I had bought him lunch once. There is something about this man that always tugs at my own heart. I don't know his "story", and I see other homeless people around from time to time. But this particular man...I'm not sure what it is. When I see him, I start thinking more about those who are less fortunate. This particular day was the first time Elijah had seen him. As we pulled into Walmart's parking lot, Elijah wanted to know why the man was standing in the cold and what did his sign say. I tried to explain it, but poor Elijah didn't quite grasp how someone wouldn't and couldn't have a house to live in. Wouldn't he be cold? Well, yes, he would. Where does he keep his food? He doesn't have food to keep, or a refrigerator to keep it in. We kept talking while we were shopping at Walmart and I decided this was a good opportunity to teach Elijah a little about compassion and kindness to others.

We left Walmart and I drove towards Dairy Queen (the ONLY fast food place on this end of town!).

"Mommy, why are were here? We ate lunch already!"

"I know, Eli. We're going to buy that man some lunch, okay?"

"But mommy, where will he keep his food?"

"Eli, he can't keep it anywhere but he can eat it. That's why I'm going to buy him something that he doesn't have to put in the fridge."

"I'll bet he's really hungry, mommy!"

Yes, I thought he might be, too. And cold. I despise being cold, and I can't imagine being cold all the time. After we got through the drive thru, I parked the car and talked to Eli for a moment:

"Eli, you know Jesus wants us to show kindness to everyone, including people who don't have as much as we do. We can't help everyone, and I can't buy this man lunch every time I see him, but we can do it today. And that hat and gloves from Walmart? We're going to give those to him, too, because he doesn't have a hat or gloves on and it's very cold outside. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yes. That man has no house, we have a house. He doesn't have a hat or mittens like I do, so we are going to give him some. And he's hungry, so you bought him lunch just like you bought ME lunch when I was hungry!'

"Yes, and why are we going to do this for him, besides that he's cold and hungry?"

"Because Jesus wants us to be kind to other people."

Excellent...he understood what I needed him to. So we drove up and I jumped out of the car. The man and I exchanged a short conversation and I told him that my little boy and I wanted to help him a little. He looked down at me, eyes a little tear-filled, and said "thank you so much. God bless you and your family!" I simply said "I'll pray that God blesses you as well." Elijah sat in the car and waved, smiling so sweetly.

Eli and I talked about that man for a little more that day, and then we didn't. Every time we went to Walmart after that, we didn't see him. Eli would ask me where he was and I said I didn't know...that it was now VERY cold and perhaps he was in a shelter or something. We haven't seen that man another time, but every time Eli asked me about him, it prompted me to think, and pray that he was okay.

SO, back to today. Elijah said "You know, that man from by Walmart!"

I was shocked that he remembered him now and said "The homeless man, Eli?"

"YES! The man who we gave lunch and the hat and gloves to. Mommy, I think he's building that new house!"

I smiled. I don't know if that is true but I certainly wasn't going to destroy Eli's vision for this man. And it really made me think for a moment. My little boy never stops thinking about this man...the man who had so much less than we did. The man that we gave something very small to, in hopes of helping him just a little. That man had a big impact on Eli's life, because Eli thinks about him even now...months later. Eli remembers him, and even has a vision that the man is now in a better place in his life.

My little boy was thinking about this while I was busy wallowing in an ocean of self-pity today. In all reality, my problems are small compared to what some other people must deal with. My problems are real, and the hurt is real, but do I need to allow that to bring me down? Nah. So I decided I wouldn't let that happen today.

Thanks, little buddy...and thank you, God, for using my little buddy to get through to my heart today.

Stripes

Eli has a toy Beanie Baby tiger whose name is Stripes. This little tiger once belonged to me but I gave him to Eli a few years ago. Stripes has been living in Eli's toy box, undisturbed, for most of those years. That is, until about 2 weeks ago.

2 weeks ago, Eli found Stripes and started playing with him pretty much non-stop. The interaction that Eli has with Stripes is very different from his other stuffed animals. He seems to go through phases where different stuffed things are more important to him than others. When we first moved back to Iowa, when Eli was about 19 months old, he had three things that HAD to be with him at all times: Puppy-puppy, Gi-gi and Lamb. (Gi-gi is his baby blanket). When he would get upset, he would immediately ask for those three items, and only then did he feel better. When I visited my family in Pennsylvania in February of 2010, Eli had a new attachment to a stuffed red, jalapeño- shaped cat toy...aptly named Pepper. We visited my cousin Heather in Wisconsin in April of 2010 and Heather's son Nate gave Eli a stuffed dog, who became Roger Retriever, or just Roger for short. Roger took Puppy-puppy's place for a long time, and I think I was more upset about the replacement than anyone else! Eli would make Puppy-puppy sleep on the floor because he said that Puppy would "gas on him" at night; or Puppy wouldn't stop licking him. Eventually Puppy-puppy was allowed to join the others on the bed at night, and I felt better.

Back to Stripes. Stripes is NAUGHTY! Seriously...first of all, Stripes "talks" in this rather annoying high-pitched meow, and it's usually very loud. When it first started, I would tell Eli that he needed to be quieter and his response was "Stripes, be quiet! Daddy is sleeping!". The more I watched, the more I noticed just how sassy this bean-filled tiger really was. He jumps all over the living room, knocking things off book shelves and speakers. I found Stripes running with scissors a few days ago. He runs all over the house and attacks the LIVING cats! He sometimes attacks my face for no apparent reason and continues to pester me until I say "Eli, you need to stop now...you're hurting me now," and Eli replies, to the tiger (of course) "Stripes, stop hurting Mommy! That's NOT nice!". Stripes never wants to eat dinner...he's always too tired. Stripes never wants to take a bath...he's having too much fun playing. Stripes puts up quite the fuss at bedtime, and is disruptive while we're trying to read bedtime stories. I told Adam yesterday that Stripes is everything that Eli WANTS to be, but he knows he can't get away doing those naughty things!

Now, Stripes isn't ALL bad. Stripes is very inquisitive and likes to investigate things in our house, too. He found a small hole in our carpet, and I was informed that Stripes wanted Eli to tell me about it. Stripes gives great hugs and when he's not hyperactive, he gives wonderful kisses, too. Stripes provides a great amount of comfort to Eli when he falls out of bed. Stripes makes Eli feel better when I tell him something he doesn't want to hear (such as "we have to leave Grandma's house, now"). Stripes is truly one of Eli's closest non-human companions right now, and I think they're very cute together. As I type this, Stripes is launching himself (with a little Eli help!) from the top of the cat scratching post into our window. Oh, and attacking a pumpkin. Eli loves his crazy, sassy little tiger...

Stripes is HOBBES!

I wonder what the future holds if this relationship continues? Perhaps I should brush up on my "Calvin and Hobbes" :D

Discouragement and Faith

Today I'm feeling a little discouraged. I've spent the past 14 months fighting frustration but today, it's just discouragement. We tried for 14 months before we got pregnant with Jonah...14 months after already having had 2 miscarriages. After we lost Jonah, we decided to start trying as soon as we were given the "OK" from the doctors. It's been 14 months. We decided to enlist the help of doctors. At my appointment yesterday, I was told about the first three tests that would be performed to find out if anything is physically preventing a pregnancy. Three tests...easy enough! Well, it would have been easy enough if they were covered by health insurance. 2 of them are NOT COVERED AT ALL (the other I'd just have to pay 10% or something like that). Those 2 non-covered tests would cost us well over $1500. Those 2 tests would exceed what is left of our flexible spending account. So if I have those tests done, we have NO flex money left for 2011...in the event of other medical necessities for any of us, we would have to pay completely out of pocket. I'm not comfortable with that.

So I'm stuck. I feel like it should be a no-brainer...these tests aren't "necessary" so they just don't "need" to be done.

I feel like I sort of gave up on trusting God in this one by even considering testing...and therefore I shouldn't have it done.

I feel like it's selfish of me to even consider spending that amount of my family's money on something that isn't totally needed.

Still, I want answers. But do I NEED them?

I have prayed about this extensively and have not gotten an answer...is that a sign that I need to just let it go? OR am I missing something? I really believe there is something else God wants me to know...but I'm not sure what it is. It's moments like this that I really wish God had text messaging...or email ;)

I'm discouraged...yes, even a little frustrated. Yet, I have a little peace about it. No, not peace about not being pregnant but rather peace that my faith is strong enough to see me through. In the past I might have felt like God had just forgotten me. This past year I've seen God get me through some really tough times: the mornings when I couldn't get myself out of bed, He did it for me. On days when I didn't think I could stay standing upright, He held me up. I know He will never give me more than I can handle.

SO, back to the original "gripe". What am I going to do? I don't know yet. I'm going to keep praying about it...all day Phillipians 4:4-9 has been stuck in my head:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

And don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do.

(what faith can do - kutless)

God loves me :)

Today, while driving around doing errands, I heard a song that really put some things into perspective for me. I cried for a moment in the Target parking lot, but it was okay today...even through the hurt, I know that my God loves me. Sometimes it's very easy to forget that God loves us when things are bad because we just feel crappy. But today, while just driving alone with my own thoughts to keep me company, I felt that love and presence so much...and I was so thankful. I know things aren't going to magically be "all better" tomorrow, or even next year. But my God loves me and for me, that is enough to get me through each day.

**MORE** - Matthew West

Take a look at the mountain
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to me
And I want you to know
I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me too
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me

Happy Birthday, Jonah

I can't even really start to express just how much I've been dreading today. I just knew that it would be hard, and I knew that I didn't know what to expect. I didn't expect everything to start unraveling last night, but it did. I didn't expect to wake up at 5am this morning and not be able to fall back asleep (*that* happened last year, too...). but I did. Elijah and I already had plans for today. I had asked Eli a few weeks ago what he thought his baby brother would want for his birthday, and Eli said (without much thought!) that Jonah would want cookies and balloons. Well, I hope Oreos are okay because baking did NOT happen today! Balloons, however, did. Eli and I sat down late this morning and made a special card:

Eli wanted to sign his name, and Dad's as well. He picked each sticker by himself. He thought the smiley faces would make Jonah happy. And he thought Jonah would like the octopus because it was green, and the hippo because it was "fat and blue". Then he decided to write "love" and draw some circles and triangles. Then we headed to florist for some helium balloons:

Eli decided that Jonah's favorite colors were blue and green (like his own!) and I made sure we got a blue balloon for Eli as well. Then we headed to the park:

After I took the pictures, I asked Eli is he was ready to let the balloons go outside. He got a little anxious and accidentally let them go inside that little shelter...and they got stuck at the top!

First I tried to move the picnic table, which was frozen to the ground. Well, I wasn't giving up...I yanked at it until it moved!

Then I climbed up to rescue the balloons. I could grab the green one by the string but the blue one had a string that was just a little too short. The blue one...with the special note attached. I tried jumping but it was just out of my reach. I tried to smack it with the green balloon...didn't work. I tried to wrap the green balloon string around the blue balloon string and yank it down. Nothing was working, and by that time the tears had started. I kept reminding myself that it wasn't about the balloon...but I WANTED THAT BALLOON. And as I cried a little and prayed that the balloon would just come down, the wind blew and the balloon came a little lower. I still had to do the "wrap and yank" method but finally, I had two balloon strings in my hand. Thank you, God...really...thank you. So we tried again, and THIS time I told Eli to hold tight until we were outside!

It was a good balloon launch. It was a pretty foggy day but we watched the balloons until we couldn't see them anymore. I asked Elijah on the walk back to the car how long he thought it would take the balloons to get to heaven and he said "um, probably like 5 minutes". Eli asked if he could take a picture for Jonah:

He thought Jonah would like the little Christmas tree :-)

Misc. Elijah:

He's getting so big. Sometimes it really catches me off guard! His hat is awesome, don't you think?

The name Jonah means "dove", which really played a role in my part of the decision in naming our little boy. This past February I noticed we have two mourning doves that hang out in the tree in front of our house. Coincidence, perhaps...to a grieving mommy, it's nothing short of a miracle direct from God. When we moved into this half of the house in July, I anxiously waited to see if I would see the pair. I can only see them if I'm at the window in Elijah's room, or the window in our spare bedroom. During the summer and autumn, sometimes I'd wake up early with the sunrise and sneak into the spare room to watch for the pair. Some days I saw them, some days I didn't. I wished so much that I could see them all day, every day. As of Christmas Eve, I have a dove in my window permanently:

Today was so dreary and gloomy, but I'm anxious for some sunlight to come through that dove. Right now he's hanging out in our dining room window, so he will hopefully catch the afternoon sun through that bare tree in our backyard. I think in the spring and summer, I might move him to the living room so he can see the morning sun, too. A little research provided the following information about the symbolism of a dove:

Symbolism of Mourning Doves

By virtue of their melancholy call, Mourning Doves have been fittingly named as such. Their distinctive “wooo-oo-oo-oo” sounds may evoke a feeling of grief over the loss of a dearly beloved. But far from representing death, the symbolism of Mourning Doves is actually more optimistic and spiritual. Beyond their sorrowful song is a message of life, hope, renewal and peace.

Among all the birds, the Mourning Dove prides itself as the celebrated bird – gracing sacred scripture (The Holy Bible under the Christian Faith) and appearing as a recurring icon in our lives. What does the Mourning Dove symbolize? Below are the traditional and primary concepts it epitomizes:

• A symbol of the Holy Spirit

The Holy Spirit, one of the figures of the Holy Trinity (The Christian Doctrine advancing the belief that God exists in 3 persons: Father, Son and Spirit) is depicted as a dove in the baptism of Jesus. According to the Bible, when Jesus emerged from the water, a dove from heaven descended upon him. Baptism is a Christian Sacrament of spiritual rebirth by which we our “cleansed” of our “original sin,” and the Holy Spirit places us in permanent union in Christ, and makes us a formal member of the Christian Community.

• A symbol of Hope

In the Noah’s Ark story, God decided to create a big flood to wipe out all the people on earth, except for Noah and his family. After forty days and forty nights, Noah released a raven to look for dry land. When the raven returned without success, a dove was then released. The dove, thereafter, flew back triumphantly with an olive leaf. Noah was pleased. It brought reassurance that trees were growing on dry land – a certain sign of life! The dove stood, therefore for new beginnings, great expectations and deliverance.

• A symbol of Peace

Although it is a white dove that typically represents peace and safety, Mourning Doves may also represent the same. The states of Wisconsin and Michigan regard the Mourning Dove as their official state symbol of peace. Pablo Picasso, the famous Spanish artist, when commissioned to design the logo for the World Peace Congress in 1949, drew a dove entitled “Dove of Peace-Blue.” It is because of their simple and maternal nature that doves have become a symbol of solidarity and concord among nations.

My day is pretty close to done. It's almost 8pm which means soon, Elijah will be in bed. Adam is working tonight and honestly, I think the quiet will feel a bit lonely. Tomorrow will be a new day, and although I know the hurt won't be completely gone, I know that I'll be able to remember today as "okay". It wasn't easy, but it wasn't terrible. I allowed myself to cry, which I don't do every day. I'm ready for the hurt to be gone, but I'm pretty certain that won't be anytime soon. I don't know when I'll be able to actually see and hold my baby Jonah again, or if he'll even be a baby when I do, but I do know that I'm one day closer.

"I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone, how can I carry on

if I can't find You?

and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away."

Psalm 121: 1-2

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth"