Discouragement and Faith

Today I'm feeling a little discouraged. I've spent the past 14 months fighting frustration but today, it's just discouragement. We tried for 14 months before we got pregnant with Jonah...14 months after already having had 2 miscarriages. After we lost Jonah, we decided to start trying as soon as we were given the "OK" from the doctors. It's been 14 months. We decided to enlist the help of doctors. At my appointment yesterday, I was told about the first three tests that would be performed to find out if anything is physically preventing a pregnancy. Three tests...easy enough! Well, it would have been easy enough if they were covered by health insurance. 2 of them are NOT COVERED AT ALL (the other I'd just have to pay 10% or something like that). Those 2 non-covered tests would cost us well over $1500. Those 2 tests would exceed what is left of our flexible spending account. So if I have those tests done, we have NO flex money left for 2011...in the event of other medical necessities for any of us, we would have to pay completely out of pocket. I'm not comfortable with that.

So I'm stuck. I feel like it should be a no-brainer...these tests aren't "necessary" so they just don't "need" to be done.

I feel like I sort of gave up on trusting God in this one by even considering testing...and therefore I shouldn't have it done.

I feel like it's selfish of me to even consider spending that amount of my family's money on something that isn't totally needed.

Still, I want answers. But do I NEED them?

I have prayed about this extensively and have not gotten an answer...is that a sign that I need to just let it go? OR am I missing something? I really believe there is something else God wants me to know...but I'm not sure what it is. It's moments like this that I really wish God had text messaging...or email ;)

I'm discouraged...yes, even a little frustrated. Yet, I have a little peace about it. No, not peace about not being pregnant but rather peace that my faith is strong enough to see me through. In the past I might have felt like God had just forgotten me. This past year I've seen God get me through some really tough times: the mornings when I couldn't get myself out of bed, He did it for me. On days when I didn't think I could stay standing upright, He held me up. I know He will never give me more than I can handle.

SO, back to the original "gripe". What am I going to do? I don't know yet. I'm going to keep praying about it...all day Phillipians 4:4-9 has been stuck in my head:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

And don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do.


Caitlin said…
I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting answers. And I don't think there's anything wrong with testing. It wouldn't be wise to go into tons of debt on it or anything, but that's totally not what you're talking about.

I wish there was something I could do or say to make things better. Or some sort of encouragement. Just know that I love you guys!
I don't think there is a "wrong answer" here. It sounds like your struggle is for the "better" answer". I'm not going to be able to tell you that but you are asking all the right questions first. I think this one needs to be run by your spiritual advisor (paster, priest, etc.)

For what its worth my wife and I are in the same boat with you. Tried to have kids but can't or at least just haven't. Tried foster care but that is a very long story for another day.

I would not insult your intelligence and say I know how you feel but for what its worth, I've been in the neighborhood.

Prayers and best wishes to you both!


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