Shooting stars

I have this "thing" about shooting stars. I really like them...always have. But that's not my "thing"...

I truly believe that we are given "signs" and things like that from God. I truly believe that when our hearts hurt and  our vision gets clouded because of emotion, God uses whatever He can to break through and remind us that He loves us so much. I'm also pretty certain that I miss these signs sometimes. But there are times when it's undeniable for me. I can be having a really tough day when I'm feeling like a failure and Elijah will walk up out of the blue, give me a hug and say "You're my best mommy in the whole wide world!". Now, of course, I am his ONLY mommy but that is unimportant. I feel better. My kid likes me! Now, I'm sure that he loves me anyway but do you think it's possible that God played a bit of a role in my little boy walking up to me at that very moment to tell me those wonderful things? I believe it could be true...

...or when I'm feeling overwhelmed by something and I'm not near my Bible. Sometimes I'll struggle to remember "what in the world is that verse that I know would help me right now?". Suddenly, I'll remember a song that has that particular verse in it. Or I'll be driving and see any random object in nature and it flips that switch in my brain and I can remember. True, the tree, hill or whatever has ALWAYS been there but I noticed it at that very moment. I believe God has His hand in that, too.

Perhaps one of my favorite, yet difficult, signs that God gives me is shooting stars. Any person who has ever lost a loved one knows that grief is a funny thing that will sneak up on you unexpectedly...sometimes at the most inopportune time! What has always kind of ticked me off about grief is how you can feel awesome for days, weeks or even months...and then you have a day when you're just completely drowning in emotions that you thought were dealt with. No matter what you try to do to claw your way up and out of that hole of gut-wrenching sadness, you just feel like you keep falling to the bottom. It seems like a hopeless climb...

THAT has been the month of June for me. My most prevalent thought this month has been "I should have a little boy here who would be celebrating his first birthday with us...on earth." And this has played into my whole month...we bought a house, and Jonah won't get to be in it. Our new house has a big yard, and pretty soon (if not already) he would be walking and could play in the yard with Eli. There's a big park right across the street and I think about all the pictures I have with Elijah when he was so little in various parks. I won't ever have those pictures of Jonah...or of any of the children who are waiting in Heaven for us. This month, I haven't been having those positive "I trust God's plan and I'm OK"'s been more of the "This sucks. This is unfair. Why?" approach this June.

This happened to me several months ago. I had met with some friends on a Tuesday evening and while I was driving home, I felt sad. I missed my children who are in Heaven, and really wished they were here with us. As I was on the ramp to get on I35, I saw shooting stars...not just one, but several. I smiled. For quite some time, whenever I see shooting stars, I like to think that it's my kids flicking them out of the sky...just for me. You see, I have an awesome 4 year old here on earth that, if given the opportunity, would most likely fling some stars out of the night sky! He's got spunk like that...and I'm positive that the other Clark kids are just as spunky! So to me, shooting stars are that sign from God. The sign that my kids are okay, with Him; that there really is a bigger picture; that God loves me so much and reminds me of it daily (every moment) if I just let Him.

The thing is...I've been waiting the entire month of June for a shooting star and I haven't seen one yet. Not ONE. I'm waiting...and trying to patiently remind myself that even without those little signs, God does love me, and I know He hasn't forgotten me. Every moment I just remind myself to find rest in Him. I'm reminded of the song I posted in my last blog entry, exactly a month ago:

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
     When the oceans rise and thunders roar
     I will soar with you above the storm
     Father you are king over the flood
     I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
("STILL" - Hillsong)

A shooting star would still be such a welcome and comforting sign for me this month...


Jessica said…
Your star is there. In Eli. Your new home. The park across the street. Your heart. It's just that sometimes they are hard to see. Love you.

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