Field trip - Jacobson Bear Creek Park

I had planned this as a late morning trip to a park we hadn't been to yet. On the agenda was a picnic lunch, followed by a walk to explore the trails in the small wooded area. Eli had other plans in mind, I guess! Let's recap through some pictures, shall we?

Eli took this picture on the way to the park. He is enamored by our town's water tower...thinks it's pretty cool.

Entrance to the park

"Mom, can I run over there before lunch?" Yup!

"Mom, can I stand on the table before lunch?" Sure, why not?!

Just a few pictures from around the picnic tables.

 Yummy lunch...string cheese, grapes, hard-boiled eggs, apples, PBJ (sans crust, of course) for Eli

AND

Diet Coke for me, of course :-P

"Mom, why do we eat celery with peanut butter?"

"MOM, this is really crunchy and tasty!" Those were his actual words...little goof!

So, we finished lunch and began our walk into the wooded area. Eli was talking my ear off the entire time about bugs, squirrels and birds. 

THIS is where it got good...he's walking with his back to me and suddenly stops, turns around and says

"Hey Mom, did you know that 7+5 is 12? And I know that 6+6 is 12, too! Did you know that 8+7 is 15? And know what else? 9+4 is 13!"

I tripped...literally. I was trying to take his picture while walking toward him as he was doing what I would say is "Preschool AP Math" in his head. And I tripped over a tree root. This is the picture I got when I fell!

Okay, so I picked myself up and asked him where he learned that. He said "Oh, I don't remember. Sometimes you help me do math but I think that stuff was just in my brain." Yeah...no kidding! I think I was still counting on my fingers at 4.5 years old! Good grief. But as soon as it began, it was over:

"Look Mom...it's an acorn!" Nope...black walnut. "Yeah, that's what I said, Mom...walnut." Sure ya did...

He was having a blast taking pictures of all sorts of things.

"MOM! Come on...keep up with me!" He took off walking super fast...almost lost him around the tree in the picture below on the right!

It was at the end of the trail that we noticed that many of the trees had signs on them for identification purposes. Eli was super excited by this and we had to walk the trail in reverse to look for trees with signs.

  

 
He wanted pictures of all the trees with leaves next to the signs but I was unable to reach leaves from the tall trees...sycamore, honey locust, etc. He seemed to understand :)

And finally, some misc. pictures:

  

Eli loves these toys. Anytime we go to a park with one of them, he says he "has to do his work" with these! :-)

All in all, we had a productive "field trip". Lunch time was for discussing healthy food (minus Mom's Diet Coke, of course!), there was some math class, some biology and botany, and of course, PE at the end! Productive schooling followed by nap time for a sleepy little guy!

Moving on...with God

"If you wait, your heavenly Father will pick you up, carry you out into the night, and make your life sparkle. He wants to dazzle you with the wonder of his love."
     A Praying Life: Connecting with God in a Distracting World - Paul Miller


A mere two Sundays ago, we had a sermon on grace, power and thorns in our flesh. Our pastor asked the question "How do you deal when you ask 'How long?' and God replies with 'Longer...' ?" What do you do when that thorn won't go away? (It was a very powerful sermon...if you'd like to see the sermon notes, go HERE) It's easy to pray and ask God to take it away, or to ask for relief. It's pretty easy to ask for an answer...but usually what we really want is an answer that aligns with our own desires. For me, it's really easy to say I'll patiently wait on Him, but deep down I think I mean I'll wait as long as I get my way. What I don't always understand is why I'm being made to wait. What I realized that Sunday is sometimes I don't think that God is enough...that I don't always completely lean on Him to get me through everything. I try; however, there are some issues that I just haven't fully trusted God to take care of completely for me. It's hard. It's really tough for me to let go of that control.

There was something said that Sunday that still resonates with me. Pastor Staff said "You have a Father who knows best how to so orchestrate what is going on in your life to “turn you” (if needed), to check up and root out pride (if necessary), to shape your character and life so that you 'get out of the way' and God’s power can begin to shine through".  I was talking with a good friend recently and she asked me "What do you really want, Sandy? Tell me the words again." And I told her...honestly, I want what God wants for me, even though I don't always act like it. That is my heart's desire, plain and simple. I pray that He will show me what that is, because I'm pretty clueless about it most of the time!


In her book, A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God’s Sovereignty, Joni Eareckson Tada writes “This is the lesson I've learned in the wheelchair for so many years—and have to relearn in these days (and nights) of unremitting pain. Sometimes you have to take what’s left and coax out of life something new and different…God is the one who finds incomparable beauty and makes matchless music using the most unexpected and unlikely of instruments.”  Something about hearing this made me sit up a bit and say "hmmmm".


 Maybe my thorns aren't going away because I'm looking for the wrong way to get rid of it.


True, I'm trying to focus on God to help me but maybe I'm missing the point. Instead of trying to fix my issue with nails, perhaps this time I need glue. Know what I'm getting at? Is it really possible that the solution I thought was correct is wrong?

Yeah...I got all sorts of confused and conflicted and inward the week following this sermon. Then, God decided to (very lovingly and gently) throw another brick at my head (perhaps that analogy is a bit harsh, but it certainly felt like a brick!) Last Sunday the topic of our sermon was

"What is your next step in the Lord?"

Wait, it gets better...I think I know what it is! God was pretty direct, and I've got a pretty good idea of what I think that next step is supposed to be.

But I'm having a hard time letting go of my own desires...

I'm having a tough time trusting completely that God knows best (even though I've seen the amazing things He's done in me already)...

I'm having a really, really hard time giving up complete control, even though I want to...

For now, I pray. I ask that I can let go, and completely desire God's will in my life, even if it's not exactly what I thought I might do.

God knows best.

I know this is true. I pray for my stubbornness to subside, and for an open heart. Deep down, I know that if it's God's will, it will truly be beautiful. Whatever happens, I can do it because God is moving with me. 

Shooting stars

I have this "thing" about shooting stars. I really like them...always have. But that's not my "thing"...

I truly believe that we are given "signs" and things like that from God. I truly believe that when our hearts hurt and  our vision gets clouded because of emotion, God uses whatever He can to break through and remind us that He loves us so much. I'm also pretty certain that I miss these signs sometimes. But there are times when it's undeniable for me. I can be having a really tough day when I'm feeling like a failure and Elijah will walk up out of the blue, give me a hug and say "You're my best mommy in the whole wide world!". Now, of course, I am his ONLY mommy but that is unimportant. I feel better. My kid likes me! Now, I'm sure that he loves me anyway but do you think it's possible that God played a bit of a role in my little boy walking up to me at that very moment to tell me those wonderful things? I believe it could be true...

...or when I'm feeling overwhelmed by something and I'm not near my Bible. Sometimes I'll struggle to remember "what in the world is that verse that I know would help me right now?". Suddenly, I'll remember a song that has that particular verse in it. Or I'll be driving and see any random object in nature and it flips that switch in my brain and I can remember. True, the tree, hill or whatever has ALWAYS been there but I noticed it at that very moment. I believe God has His hand in that, too.

Perhaps one of my favorite, yet difficult, signs that God gives me is shooting stars. Any person who has ever lost a loved one knows that grief is a funny thing that will sneak up on you unexpectedly...sometimes at the most inopportune time! What has always kind of ticked me off about grief is how you can feel awesome for days, weeks or even months...and then you have a day when you're just completely drowning in emotions that you thought were dealt with. No matter what you try to do to claw your way up and out of that hole of gut-wrenching sadness, you just feel like you keep falling to the bottom. It seems like a hopeless climb...

THAT has been the month of June for me. My most prevalent thought this month has been "I should have a little boy here who would be celebrating his first birthday with us...on earth." And this has played into my whole month...we bought a house, and Jonah won't get to be in it. Our new house has a big yard, and pretty soon (if not already) he would be walking and could play in the yard with Eli. There's a big park right across the street and I think about all the pictures I have with Elijah when he was so little in various parks. I won't ever have those pictures of Jonah...or of any of the children who are waiting in Heaven for us. This month, I haven't been having those positive "I trust God's plan and I'm OK"...it's been more of the "This sucks. This is unfair. Why?" approach this June.

This happened to me several months ago. I had met with some friends on a Tuesday evening and while I was driving home, I felt sad. I missed my children who are in Heaven, and really wished they were here with us. As I was on the ramp to get on I35, I saw shooting stars...not just one, but several. I smiled. For quite some time, whenever I see shooting stars, I like to think that it's my kids flicking them out of the sky...just for me. You see, I have an awesome 4 year old here on earth that, if given the opportunity, would most likely fling some stars out of the night sky! He's got spunk like that...and I'm positive that the other Clark kids are just as spunky! So to me, shooting stars are that sign from God. The sign that my kids are okay, with Him; that there really is a bigger picture; that God loves me so much and reminds me of it daily (every moment) if I just let Him.

The thing is...I've been waiting the entire month of June for a shooting star and I haven't seen one yet. Not ONE. I'm waiting...and trying to patiently remind myself that even without those little signs, God does love me, and I know He hasn't forgotten me. Every moment I just remind myself to find rest in Him. I'm reminded of the song I posted in my last blog entry, exactly a month ago:


Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
     When the oceans rise and thunders roar
     I will soar with you above the storm
     Father you are king over the flood
     I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
("STILL" - Hillsong)

A shooting star would still be such a welcome and comforting sign for me this month...

Yes...Still!

It's always interesting to see what God gives you when you ask for comfort and peace. Last night was awful. I don't know WHAT happened, WHERE it all came from or even WHY I suddenly felt like I was being bombarded by raw emotions that I couldn't handle. All I really knew was that I was hurting, and it sucked. I wanted it to be gone. It didn't matter how long I prayed, or how many times I asked God to take it away, I still went to bed feeling like my heart was ripped apart again.

I woke up this morning and didn't feel much better. I slept poorly and had some pretty intense dreams. As I pretty much rolled myself out of bed, I reminded myself that God would help me get through the day. I asked, well maybe it was more like begged, Him to please stay close. I knew I couldn't do this one on my own.

Typically, after I sit down in my pew at church, the first thing I do is scan the array of songs we'll be singing. I didn't this week. I couldn't. Music is a powerful thing for me and I knew if I started thinking about what we were going to be singing, I'd probably get myself all worked up and upset before it even started! So when we got to our fourth song, I realized God had given me a wonderful gift of comfort at that moment:


Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand
     When the oceans rise and thunders roar
     I will soar with you above the storm
     Father you are king over the flood
     I will be still and know you are God
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust
("STILL" - Hillsong)


I was reminded that God is bigger than this. He has my back. He knows that it hurts, some days more than others. I believe that it makes Him sad, too.

And yet, I have to remember to trust...and to be still and know that He is God. This storm is a tough one for me, but God is holding me.

Because of that, I know I'm okay.

Still???

Should I still miss you so much that it rips my heart out to think about you? I mean, really...is it normal to have weeks of being "okay", only to have a night when something little makes your absence seem unbearable? Is it normal to just fall apart MONTHS later?

Yeah...it is.

It's totally normal, and it's completely acceptable.

But it still hurts like it was that day all over again.

So tonight I just pray that God gives me comfort and peace...

...because tonight it's so hard...

...again.

Allowing God to comfort you

Sometimes when I'm upset, I really don't like to be touched. Obviously this is true if I'm angry or irritated about something, but I've found it occasionally happens if I'm sad about something. It may be a person's natural, caring instinct to try to hug me but that gesture might be met by resistance from me. It's easy for me to shut down when I'm trying to deal with emotions.

The past two days have been interesting. I got answer to a prayer, but I wasn't especially thrilled by the answer. It confused me, and made me a little irritated. During the extended amount of time this request was prayed for, I continually asked God to help me accept whatever answer He gave me. I really believed that I was okay with whatever answer came...

...until that answer came.

There was hurt and disappointment. There was a little peace. There was some misdirected anger. Okay, I sort of raised my voice to God. I told Him that I was upset, and that I felt like I had been "led on". I thought it seemed like the answer would go the other way. Why would I be allowed to sense my concern being resolved one way if He was going to go the opposite direction? Not fair. I pouted...for a while.

Then I felt guilty.


I felt guilty for yelling at God. I felt guilty for thinking that God would "lead me on" to believe something. I felt guilty for acting childish about it. So I went running. 12 miles later, I felt like I had reconciled with God. I apologized...a lot. I prayed that He would continue to work in me to make me more receptive and accepting of His plan, of His interests. It wasn't just words... I meant it. I don't want to be the Christian whose faith is strong as long as she gets her way and the sun is shining. I want God's interests to become my own. I'm a work in progress...it's going to take some time.

Early today, I really felt like God was holding a grudge against me! I felt that awkward distance from Him that I am so uncomfortable with. I felt like when I prayed, my words bounced off a brick wall back into my face. I began to wonder if God was upset with me. I thought about it a lot this morning. I don't think the distance I was feeling was a grudge from God...it was me. I was doing the same thing that I do with people when I get upset...I was withdrawing. It wasn't intentional. I think it's just habit, really.

But why don't I allow God to comfort me?


I don't know that I've figured out that answer just yet...

Satan is a jerk

Satan is a jerk.

I'm pretty sure that A: nobody is going to disagree with my statement and B: this is not news to anyone. I felt it was important enough to state not only in my post title, but also the first sentence. Perhaps I find it necessary to reiterate simply because it is such an obvious, but important, truth. Honestly, however, I'm kind of hoping he reads my blog so that he knows that I'm onto his unscrupulous trickery. Enough with the shenanigans already!

Okay, back on track. Satan knows exactly what to use to try to bring a Christian down...to make one doubt herself and her faith. Sometimes he likes to try to get me to believe that I'm a bad mom, which is what happened last week. God set me straight when I told Him about that. Other times, Satan has tried to tell me that I'm starting too late...that all those years that I was acting pretty rebelliously toward God will always haunt me. Yeah, God and I talk about that one a lot, too. God has been good about reminding me about 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I've always struggled with guilt. If you tell me your lawn is brown from lack of rain, I might find a way to feel guilty about it. It really brings me down if I let it. Satan knows it's a weakness...God has been good about reminding me to give that problem to Him.

Today, well, Satan pulled out another big one...jealousy. There are a lot of women I know right now who are getting what I really want. I am genuinely happy for them...and I'm also a bit jealous. That jealousy usually manifests itself as just a twinge of "maybe my turn will be next". Not today...today it was the sort of twinge that made me want to spit tacks. The weird thing about today is I didn't recognize it right away...it festered away for a bit. Until I got a message from a friend who is in my shoes...we have mutual friends...she got bit by the jealous bug today, too. She was hoping it was okay that she told me. Let me tell you something, my friend...I NEEDED YOU TO TELL ME. It made me face my vice.

I spoiled myself recently by buying a new study Bible and I am so glad I did. Today when I sat down to deal with my negative emotions, I found endless resources to direct me where I needed to go in the Bible. I usually spend Eli's naptime trying to get caught up on some stuff around the house but today, I spent it with my Bible open and with God gently showing me how to get past the jealousy.

Psalm 143:8
     Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.


Psalm 13:5-6
     But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me.


Psalm 37:4-5

     Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this.

          **Then, my study Bible nicely pointed out that the general theme of Psalm 37 is "Trust in the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act."**

Trust and faith...yes, I have those. Patience? hmmmm....I'm trying. It's a constant undertaking :) 

Just on these three insidious attacks by the jerk, the score stands at :


God-3, Satan-0